Dion’s New Carbon Tax Proposal
Even though Celine, err Stephane’s Carbon Tax proposal is a few weeks off, I have it on good authority that it will include some unusual aspects.
First of all, there will be an immediate taxation for all joggers, cyclists, rollerbladers, or anyone else deemed to be “unjustifiably” increasing the amount of oxygen they consume which results in a massive increase in carbon dioxide they are releasing due to heavy breathing.
This will also include anyone having sex. Anything past “first base” is a taxable offense. The bankers from Capital Bank cards “What’s In Your Wallet” commercials will be contracted to monitor all Canadians from now on. It was deemed best to choose them as all they had to do was change which pocket they had their hand in. “Going from back to front is an easy change” indicated their spokesman Ivana Getemoff.
The second target of the proposal talks about the popularity of home delivery of cooked foods. The proposal only attacks Chinese foods however, which might come back to bite them.
Studies have shown that there was an astronomical increase in Chinese food delivery within Canada over the last two decades. To curb this, and to address parts of the first point of this proposal, on any day that is above 20 C, Chinese restaurants will only be allowed to serve one dish, Kook Sum Dog.
The concept is that instead of firing up hot woks endlessly, there will be no more cooks; drivers will only be allowed to run down stray dogs, tie them to their engines, and by the time they get to the purchasers door, will have a ready to eat meal. This will also reduce the number of panting dogs, which fall into category one of unjustifiable oxygen use.
It will also be known as the “Kyoto Special”.
The third known wind I am getting for this proposal regards just that… windbags.
An “Ottawa Hot Air” proposal will limit the amount of rhetoric politicians from the Conservatives, NDP and Bloc can spew in any given session. The Liberals will request an exemption as their volumes are currently so high that they don’t anticipate being able to get within the targeted thresholds in a timely manner. They also gave an exemption to the Green Party, indicating “Why not? They aren’t getting seats anyways.”
That is all I know so far. I will post more as it becomes evident.
/satire… if you actually happen to think any of this is real!
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