Doing your own thing, when you have a family - Calgarypuck Forums - The Unofficial Calgary Flames Fan Community

stang · 03-11-2009, 05:04 PM

Is it wrong for a (younger) guy to go out and Jam in a band 2 nights a week for 3-4 hours after his kids are gone to sleep (Moms at home.. lol not leaving then there by herself)

I go out 2 nights (usually Mon and Thurs) and Jam with a couple guys (A drummer, and a singer who I met for the sole purpose of jamming with) and have a beer (I am always driving so its not like I go out and get drunk)

I go out after 8pm (after our Daughter goes to bed) and am usually home by 11 or 12 at the latest.

I dont really do anything else, I mean we go out together, sometimes but I dont play hockey or snowboard anymore. I work, come home, eat, play with my daughter and then we go to bed.

Now today she just blows up on me saying "You're hanging out with friends and drinking, one night a week is enough for that"

So I bring up my Sister and her Fiancee (who have a kid the same age) and they both play Soccer a couple nights a week (not together) and my sister does a Tap class once a week on top of that, and he goes to the Gym every night. I said if I played beer league hockey it would be going out and drinking for longer.

She then says things like "I like how you justify your drinking and playing guitar by comparing it to something like soccer or hockey" and "At least Soccer is wellness"

Is there something I am missing? IS she being unreasonable? Am I?

Is 6-8 hours a week to myself too much?

Agamemnon · 03-11-2009, 05:06 PM

It's probably not too much to ask... naturally you're encouraging her to go out and have fun with friends 2 nights a week as well? Are you doing things to 'make up' for going out? What does she gain from it?

Does she want to spend time with you, and is pissed that you want to spend it with your friends?

flip · 03-11-2009, 05:07 PM

Wow. This is like a scene out of Knocked Up.

I'm not married, don't have a girlfriend and don't go out at all really so I have no opinion on this matter.

redforever · 03-11-2009, 05:09 PM

How old are the kids? How many kids?

How many nights a week does she go out by herself? And do things on her own so she does not feel she is just a mommy?

The way you are putting it, I hear "drinking" is her concern. I dont hear band or guys, I hear drinking. Yeah, you said you hardly drink, but from how you typed up your post, I hear "drinking". This is coming from the perspective of a woman.

Let me ask you this, how many times a week do you take her out?

stang · 03-11-2009, 05:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Agamemnon

It's probably not too much to ask... naturally you're encouraging her to go out and have fun with friends 2 nights a week as well? Are you doing things to 'make up' for going out? What does she gain from it?

Does she want to spend time with you, and is pissed that you want to spend it with your friends?

I would love for her to do her own thing and go out... She doesnt. I would have no problem with her doing whatever she wants (within normal couple limits of course)

If she wanted to go swimming 2 nights a week.. good.
Soccer/dance with my sister? I would be thrilled.

redforever · 03-11-2009, 05:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stang

I would love for her to do her own thing and go out... She doesnt. I would have no problem with her doing whatever she wants (within normal couple limits of course)

If she wanted to go swimming 2 nights a week.. good.
Soccer/dance with my sister? I would be thrilled.

So then, how old are the kids? Sounds to me they are little ones and she feels more comfortable being with them.

Why don't you try 1 night a week with guys, 1 night a week with her?

Yeah_Baby · 03-11-2009, 05:13 PM

Sound's like CPs Fraser Crane needs his own Fraser Crane.

Agamemnon · 03-11-2009, 05:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stang

I would love for her to do her own thing and go out... She doesnt. I would have no problem with her doing whatever she wants (within normal couple limits of course)

Yeah... I can see it as a problem if she isn't getting to do something similar. She may not want to go out with her friends for 2 nights a week... maybe she wants something different. You get to go out 2 nights a week, fair enough. What does she get? I'm not looking for 'she can do anything she wants' so much as how you're making up for what is a somewhat hefty amount of 'me' time.

Quote:

If she wanted to go swimming 2 nights a week.. good.
Soccer/dance with my sister? I would be thrilled.

Maybe she actually thinks 2 nights a week is just too much. To be honest, if they're weeknights... I could see her point, especially if she's not also active in the social sense.

I think when you have a wife and kid, jamming with the dudes 2 weeknights a week might be asking too much. But I'm not married and I don't have kids, so you probably know better than I.

Itse · 03-11-2009, 05:23 PM

You jam 6-8 hours a week? That's a serious hobby.

But she's not being unreasonable, she just doesn't get it.

Of course, does she get the equivalent time to herself? If not, then I can see why she would blow up on you. And when you think of it, if she took two weeknights to herself, that would only one weeknight for you together and three nights in a week, which is not a whole lot by some people's standards.

But in any case, you should try to explain to her that what looks to her like time wasted is an important hobby for you. You should point out that before you had kids you had plenty of hobbies, but now that you don't have the time, you ditched snowboarding and hockey and not music because playing in a band is more important to you than doing sports. That might help her see that it's not just hanging out with some buds.

EDIT: Yeah, you should also definitely offer to not drink while jamming. Sure, it's kind of silly, but not from where she's standing. It shows that you don't really go out just for the beer and BS. (And if you do that twice a week, yeah, that's asking too much.)

Agamemnon · 03-11-2009, 05:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Itse

You jam 6-8 hours a week? That's a serious hobby.

But she's not being unreasonable, she just doesn't get it.

Of course, does she get the equivalent time to herself? If not, then I can see why she would blow up on you. And when you think of it, if she took two weeknights to herself, that would only one weeknight for you together and three nights in a week, which is not a whole lot by some people's standards.

But in any case, you should try to explain to her that what looks to her like time wasted is an important hobby for you. You should point out that before you had kids you had plenty of hobbies, but now that you don't have the time, you ditched snowboarding and hockey and not music becauseplaying in a band is more important to you than doing sports. That might help her see that it's not just hanging out with some buds.

Tough sell.

stang · 03-11-2009, 05:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redforever

How old are the kids? How many kids?

How many nights a week does she go out by herself? And do things on her own so she does not feel she is just a mommy?

The way you are putting it, I hear "drinking" is her concern. I dont hear band or guys, I hear drinking. Yeah, you said you hardly drink, but from how you typed up your post, I hear "drinking". This is coming from the perspective of a woman.

Let me ask you this, how many times a week do you take her out?

1 kid, 2.5 years old.. 1 on the way.

She doesnt go out by herself. However this does not have anything to with me. She just does not want to do anything (it seems)

I try and take her out, but she doesnt want to. We go out for supper but always with the daughter, and when I suggest a movie or something she always brushes it off.

Agamemnon · 03-11-2009, 05:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stang

1 kid, 2.5 years old.. 1 on the way.

She doesnt go out by herself. However this does not have anything to with me. She just does not want to do anything (it seems)

I try and take her out, but she doesnt want to. We go out for supper but always with the daughter, and when I suggest a movie or something she always brushes it off.

Is it a problem that your wife doesn't want to go out and do things with you? That seems a little off...

I can see that the problem is probably exacerbated due to her lack of social activity... from her point of view, you'd rather go hang with your friends while she'd rather spend time at home with you, that could almost be perceived (right or wrongly) as rejecting her to hang in favour of your friends.

Though the point above might be valid... is the booze the problem?

stang · 03-11-2009, 05:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Agamemnon

Is it a problem that your wife doesn't want to go out and do things with you? That seems a little off...

I can see that the problem is probably exacerbated due to her lack of social activity... from her point of view, you'd rather go hang with your friends while she'd rather spend time at home with you, that could almost be perceived (right or wrongly) as rejecting her to hang in favour of your friends.

Though the point above might be valid... is the booze the problem?

No sorry I guess that came out wrong... We do do things, but we always have our daughter with us...

I dunno it could be the booze... she always puts it first, ie "Drinking and Jamming"

But I dont come home drunk, I dont do any drugs.. I dunno.

If I played hockey I would be out longer and come home drunker.

Itse · 03-11-2009, 05:44 PM

Actually, I'm not surprised at all at hearing she doesn't seem to want to do anything with just the two of you.. An unfortunately common female response to recently becoming a mother; I know my wife had tons of trouble getting out of the house without the kid simply because she felt guilty for doing so. And my wife is definitely not a family oriented person. (I am.)

However, since my wife is not "family oriented", she wanted to learn to go out and she did. Not everyone wants that. A lot of people think there's nothing wrong with wanting to be with the kids all the time. Unfortunately, that can turn them into the most stereotypical whiny b****es.

Yeah_Baby · 03-11-2009, 05:44 PM

Why don't you just get a baby sitter and 'insist her go out with you, make her feel like a woman and not a mom.

But I admit I no nothing of what you speak

CrusaderPi · 03-11-2009, 05:44 PM

You gotta get out. A man needs to get away from the nagging trifecta of responsibility that is wife, kids, and work. The fact that you can do it on week nights after the kids are put away is nothing but a bonus.

Furthermore, as mean as it sounds, you need to get away from the wife once in a while (if 'once in a while' means twice a week - so be it). You don't want to become known as Stang'nwife (all one word). That'll crush a man's soul.

Agamemnon · 03-11-2009, 05:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stang

No sorry I guess that came out wrong... We do do things, but we always have our daughter with us...

I dunno it could be the booze... she always puts it first, ie "Drinking and Jamming"

But I dont come home drunk, I dont do any drugs.. I dunno.

If I played hockey I would be out longer and come home drunker.

Easy solution then; tell her you're playing hockey.

Itse · 03-11-2009, 05:52 PM

There's a lot of stereotypical fears that people have. They are stereotypical because they are common. They are common because they really happen a lot.

For women one of the most common is the fear of marrying an alcoholic. And those stories always start with "he was such a nice guy when he was younger, you know, when he wasn't drinking... He'd just go out a couple of times a week with some buddies... but then two times turned into three, four..."

And hate to say it, but if she's worried, she might just be right. Personally, things like "I'd be drinking a lot more if I'd be playing hockey" is kind of a weird comment. It sounds like an excuse, and you shouldn't need an excuse.

Beer is good, but if someone says you should drink less, it's best to follow that advise. Worst case scenario, you'll drink less beer.

octothorp · 03-11-2009, 05:56 PM

Symbolic gestures count for a lot. If you demonstrate some sacrifice (such as stopping drinking when you jam), it could be fairly meaningful to her, even if logistically it doesn't change anything at all. Or if she's a particularly practical woman, she may find it insulting that you think that offering to stop drinking would be enough. I'd leave it to you to judge that, but I think it's likely that she wants to see something that demonstrates an understanding of your changing family unit. If you used to go out on dates before the kids, taking her out for dates now won't help, because that's not change. Maybe look at initiating a project together that's related to your family life, but something fun and something you haven't tried before.

longsuffering · 03-11-2009, 05:57 PM

I don't think its the booze that really bothers her. It's insecurity I'll bet.

She's pregnant with kid number 2 and her loving hubby is in a bar 2 nights a week.

Even though it is totally innocent, given her hormone levels and her (probable) insecurity with her body image, etc. etc., she thinks of all the things that can go 'wrong' in the bar. It begins, but doesn't end, with drinking. She hasn't said anything about the girls in these bars?

Try and be supportive. Things will probably get worse before they get better, and you may want to think about offering to give up one night (temporarily), but if you can show her that she (and your child/children) are your number one priority, I think she might come around.

Good luck