Briefing for Imperial Oil Employees Moving from TO

[Vernie_30]

1. Upon arrival at Calgary airport, you will be taken into a small room >and > > >frisked for rats. Some of the guys from Alberta's fabled "rat patrol" >don't > > >smell that good, crawling around as they do in grain bins out on the > > >Saskatchewan border. But, as a bona fide cowboy once told me at the >Calgary > > >Stampede Ranch at Hanna: "A woman likes a man with a bit of odor to >him." > > > > > >

2. Things you need to know: > > > > > >a) That swanky building at the foot of Centre Street is not the >Petroleum > > >Club, it's the Calgary Homeless Shelter; > > >b) Always get your tent poles and stove in the back of your chuck wagon >and > > >if your outrider is late, it's a one -second penalty; > > >c) When driving downtown, follow this simple rule: 4th, 5th, 6th, >9th,11th, > > >and 12th are one-ways east and west. Macleod, 1st, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, >7th, > > >and 9th are one-ways north-south. Allow yourself several days to find >the > > >front entrance of TD Centre for the first time. The phrase "can't get >there > > >from here" was invented in Calgary. > > > > > >

3. After a week or so, we will need to "de-snob" you. You will be taken >to > > >Buzzards and force-fed a plate of prairie oysters. After that, you will >be > > >locked in a padded room and forced to listen to Calgary radio, where >you > > >will hear a constant diet of Iron Butterfly, Led Zeppelin and other >classic > > >rock, including Layla by Derek and the Dominoes, not just Eric Clapton, >and > > >never the unplugged version. > > > > > >

4. Lies people will tell you: > > > > > >a) "I can be downtown from Shawnessy in 20 minutes;" > > >b) "It's a dry cold." > > > > > >

5. There is no need in Calgary to worry about raccoons going through >your > > >garbage, banging around and waking you up at night. However, there is >that > > >pesky mountain lion in Fish Creek Park. > > > > > >

6. Roy Thomson Hall, the Art Gallery of Ontario and the Royal Ontario >Museum > > >= Heritage Park, Zoolights and Frank Sisson's Silver Dollar Casino. > > > > > >

7. Unlike the long, languid days of dappled sunlight filtering through >red > > >maple leaves, autumn in Calgary lasts three days. You're not in >Tillsonburg > > >anymore, Toto. > > > > > >

8. Local celebrity you have to love, or risk getting your a-- kicked in >this > > >town: Joe Carbury, the voice of the Calgary Stampede. > > > > > >

9. Local celebrity you can love, but still make fun of: Darr Maqbool. > > > > > >

10. A good place to choose an outfit for the annual Imperial Oil Ltd. >S&M > > >Ball is Barbie's Shop, a fetish store on 4th Street. > > > > > >

11. They make a great wor wonton at King's Restaurant on Barlow and >Centre > > >Avenue, of all places. > > > > > >

12. Ginger beef and the "red eye" (beer with Clamato) were invented in > > >Calgary. Really. > > > > > >

13. To get rid of those awful Great Lakes-style pollution problems in > > >Alberta, we simply did away with lakes. > > > > > >

14. You'll know you are a true Calgarian when you know the meaning of >these: > > >Bronco, Iggy, The Dungeon, Kipper and "a-ring-a-ding-dong-dandy." > > > > > >

15. Now that you have sold your cottage in Muskoka (average waterfront > > >price, $349,483, according to Royal LePage) you will need to purchase a >new > > >weekend getaway. Unfortunately, the average house price in Canmore in >the > > >second quarter of this year was $393,834, leaving you $44,351 poorer. >One > > >real estate agent in Canmore, Bob Warwick, is a bagpiper, bringing new > > >meaning to "pay the piper." > > > > > >

16. Unlike the boring grid system of Toronto, Calgary streets are laid >out > > >in a quaint quadrant system. One sign on 16th Avenue North (West) >reads: > > >"14th Street West South." Don't worry. It will all be clear in about >four > > >years. > > > > > >

17. Things they don't tell you: a chinook warms us up in winter, but >brings > > >its own form of barometric hell -- the famous "chinook headache." >Chinooks > > >also have been known to topple semi-trailers on the Trans-Canada >Highway > > >between Lethbridge and Medicine Hat. > > > > > >

18. To keep life uncomplicated, we don't have hundreds of Greek >restaurants > > >like the Danforth, but you can go to the Broken Plate in Kensington. > > > > > >

19. Good news: we have no stifling humidity. Bad news: the moisture >content > > >in our air has been scientifically proven to be equal to that of Corn > > >Flakes. > > > > > >

20. Shaganappi is not a dirty word. It's yahoo, not yeehaw. And there >hasn't > > >been an exposed breast on the Red Mile since June. > > >

Mods: Move It If You Think It Should Be In Off Topic.

[Incinerator]

That is an awful cut & paste job

[moon]

There are some pretty funny ones on that list but would like to point out to the creator that the Trans-Canada does not go between Lethbridge and Med Hat.

[Reggie Dunlop]

Originally posted by Vernie_30@Nov 8 2004, 10:51 PM
11. They make a great wor wonton at King's Restaurant on Barlow and Centre Avenue, of all places.

I'll vouch for that whole-heartedly. I know what y'all are thinking, "Hey Reg, it's only Wor Won Ton. An ordinary, boring Cantonese dish you'll find at any corner Chinese Mom and Pop takeout."

Au contrare mon frere. Go to Kings. It is the Soup of the Gods. Been going there 14 years now.

I understand they've recently opened a South location near the Blackfoot Inn.

[Cheese]

The BIGGEST lie of all!!!!

4. Lies people will tell you: B) "It's a dry cold." :tup:

[Table 5]

Originally posted by GerryCheevers@Nov 9 2004, 09:30 AM
The BIGGEST lie of all!!!!

4. Lies people will tell you: B) "It's a dry cold." :tup:

that's no lie! I'll take a good dry Alberta -25 over a humid east coast -10 any day.

btw, what is this list from? I sure this isnt what the gave the actual employees....

[Flames89]

You couldn't take 5 minutes and make it a little more legible?

Good post though.

[Cheese]

Originally posted by Table 5+Nov 9 2004, 09:49 AM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Table 5 @ Nov 9 2004, 09:49 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-GerryCheevers@Nov 9 2004, 09:30 AM
The BIGGEST lie of all!!!!

4. Lies people will tell you: B) "It's a dry cold." :tup:

that's no lie! I'll take a good dry Alberta -25 over a humid east coast -10 any day.

btw, what is this list from? I sure this isnt what the gave the actual employees.... [/b][/quote]
LOL...bah not true at all...LOL...-25C in Alberta is damned cold...real damned cold...dry or not! -10C anywhere is a LOT warmer than a dry -25C

[hah]

We can get you some really good deals on houses in Lynwood Ridge. :P

[Table 5]

Originally posted by GerryCheevers+Nov 9 2004, 10:43 AM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (GerryCheevers @ Nov 9 2004, 10:43 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'>

that's no lie! I'll take a good dry Alberta -25 over a humid east coast -10 any day.

btw, what is this list from? I sure this isnt what the gave the actual employees....

LOL...bah not true at all...LOL...-25C in Alberta is damned cold...real damned cold...dry or not! -10C anywhere is a LOT warmer than a dry -25C [/b][/quote]
so why have i been freezing my ass of on the east coast when the temperature here is a lot higher than back home? this cold chills to the bone.....brrrrr

[albertGQ]

Didn't bother reading it due to the format

[Reaper]

Originally posted by GerryCheevers+Nov 9 2004, 09:43 AM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (GerryCheevers @ Nov 9 2004, 09:43 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'>

that's no lie! I'll take a good dry Alberta -25 over a humid east coast -10 any day.

btw, what is this list from? I sure this isnt what the gave the actual employees....

LOL...bah not true at all...LOL...-25C in Alberta is damned cold...real damned cold...dry or not! -10C anywhere is a LOT warmer than a dry -25C [/b][/quote]
Twenty five below may be technically colder than ten below but the fact remains that it is still a dry cold.

I prefer the lower humidity of Alberta to the two shirt days of Ontario in August just like I prefer a dry, cold winter in Alberta as opposed to a foggy, brown winter of Ontario.

[Cheese]

Originally posted by Table 5+Nov 9 2004, 10:51 AM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Table 5 @ Nov 9 2004, 10:51 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'>

LOL...bah not true at all...LOL...-25C in Alberta is damned cold...real damned cold...dry or not! -10C anywhere is a LOT warmer than a dry -25C

so why have i been freezing my ass of on the east coast when the temperature here is a lot higher than back home? this cold chills to the bone.....brrrrr [/b][/quote]
hmmm....maybe cuz you havent taken those bermuda shorts and sandals off yet?

[Vernie_30]

Originally posted by albertGQ@Nov 9 2004, 10:15 AM
Didn't bother reading it due to the format

You try working 3 jobs and playing hockey 4 times a week and then you can tell me if you would want to format an email, after working a 14 hour day!!!
And to top it off trying to quit smoking!!!

Sorry I'm tired and bitchy and still at work!!!

[albertGQ]

nm, read it wrong

[KevanGuy]

Originally posted by Vernie_30@Nov 9 2004, 02:29 PM
Sorry I'm tired and bitchy and still at work!!!

Have a smoke.

[MrMastodonFarm]

Originally posted by Vernie_30@Nov 9 2004, 03:29 PM

You try working 3 jobs and playing hockey 4 times a week and then you can tell me if you would want to format an email, after working a 14 hour day!!!

I've heard worse.

[RougeUnderoos]

Originally posted by albertGQ+Nov 9 2004, 03:42 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (albertGQ @ Nov 9 2004, 03:42 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'>

You try working 3 jobs and playing hockey 4 times a week and then you can tell me if you would want to format an email, after working a 14 hour day!!!
And to top it off trying to quit smoking!!!

Sorry I'm tired and bitchy and still at work!!!

Ummm, you know me. (or you used to). I don't smoke man. Not cigarettes, not weed, not anything. [/b][/quote]
Yeah, I don't think he thought you were quitting smoking.

Anyhow, some funny stuff in that thing. Took me a while to figure out what "The Dungeon" is though.