Job Jokes

[snowdude]

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

:P

[BlackArcher101]

I dunno, I think they got economist and accountant mixed up. Damn accountants fudge numbers like there's no tomorrow. Dissapointed that there isn't an engineer involved, probably a good thing.

[snowdude]

i only know econ jokes...i'm sure some one could add an eng joke or 2 if you really wanted

[Cheese]

Top 25 Engineering Terms and Expressions:

1. A number of different approaches are being tried.
(We are still guessing at this point.)

2. Close project coordination.
(We sat down and had coffee together.)

3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach.
(We just hired three punk kids out of school.)

4. Major technological breakthrough!
(It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)

5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured.
(We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)

6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

7. Test results were extremely gratifying!
(Unbelievable, it actually worked!)

8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only guy who understood the thing quit.)

9. It is in process.
(It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)

10. We will look into it.
(Forget it! We have enough problems already.)

11. Please note and initial.
(Let's spread the responsibility for this.)

12. Give us the benefit of your thinking.
(We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)

13. Give us your interpretation.
(We can't wait to hear your bull.)

14. See me or let's discuss.
(Come to my office, I've screwed up again.)

15. All new.
(Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)

16. Rugged.
(Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)

17. Robust!
(Rugged, but more so)

18. Light weight.
(Slightly lighter than rugged)

19. Years of development.
(One finally worked)

20. Energy saving.
(Achieved when the power switch is off.)

21. No maintenance.
(Impossible to fix)

22. Low maintenance.
(Nearly impossible to fix)

23. Fax me the data.
(I'm too lazy to write it down.)

24. We are following the standard!
(That's the way we have always done it!)

25. I didn't get your e-mail.
(I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)

[Cheese]

Why women should Marry Engineers:

DOCTORS
Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship to last more than five years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients who is pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he'll ever meet another woman in his profession.

LAWYER
Do you seriously expect to have an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is that when the divorce happens you will get nothing.

SALESMAN
See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally untrustworthy individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that
your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.

HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.
Your husband, if he is not killed in a serious accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. at around the time you are reaching your sexual peak. The only hazard that your Engineer husband faces is losing his eyesight from staring into a monitor for too long. This actually has some benefits. For one, he will never notice that you are getting older since you will be a blur; he will remember you as when he first met you because the memory will still be sharp. And when you ask, "Honey, were you looking at her?" he'll honestly be able to say that he didn't even see her.

TEACHER
The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He'll be in jail soon, and then you'll have to look for another man.

MINISTER
See Teacher and substitute the word "girls" with "boys".

[Cheese]

and lastly....

THEOLOGICAL ENGINEERING EXAM
5 Questions, 60 Minutes

* You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the Book of Mormon.
* The speed of light is c.
* Show all work.
* For all problems, assume a perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density D.
* No praying during the exam.

1. (20 pts) Bob and Joe are standing on a street corner. God loves each an equal amount L_0. Bob then accelerates to .9c. In Joe's rest frame, how much does God now love Bob?

2. Sven, a Catholic, is in a state of grace. He then has sex with sheep S.
a. (8 pts) What is Sven's atonement coefficient following the act if the sheep was not willing?
b. (12 pts) What if the sheep, while not technically being willing, could not be said to mind either?

3. (20 pts) Let the eternal, all abiding love of the Holy Spirit be the xy-plane. Let Sue's soul be at (0,0,5) at t = 0 sec., traveling at 5 m/s in the direction of the positive z-axis. Everything is in Cartesian coordinates bespeaking subscription to a perfectly rational Enlightenment attitude towards the Universe. At what time t will Sue be saved? (Hint: Assume a point soul.)

4. (20 pts) Assume the Rapture occurs at time t. Cornelia, a saved human weighing 90 kg, in a state of grace, has her head in the closing jaws of an alligator at time t. What mass of meat will remain to the alligator at time t + 10 sec.?

5. Stan is a frictionless, massless Mormon in a rest state. His sin level for his faith is currently 11 McBeals. He eats .3 kg of pork, and enjoys it very much. Assume that the Jews are right about, well, pretty much everything.
a. (10 pts) What is Stan's sin level now?
b. (10 pts) Stan is one of them Salt Lake City Mormons. He ain't so damn smug now, is he?

Extra Credit (10 pts): 25 grams of wafers and 20 ml of cheap wine undergo transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of our Lord. How many Joules of heat are released by the transformation?

Hand in exam when done, and may God have mercy on your work.

[BlackEleven]

Three friends decide to go golfing. One man is a fireman, one is a doctor and one is an engineer. When the trio reaches the fifth hole they come upon a foursome that is hitting drives into the bushes and in every direction except towards the green. The foursome is taking a really long time to complete the hole and the three friends are getting impatient.

The golf marshall comes by and asks them what the fuss is about. The explain their frustrations. The golf marshal replies that the slow foursome are blind and that some time ago they saved the clubhouse from burning down, and in gratitude the golf course lets them play for free whenever they wish.

The fireman says that the men are heros and he will get the fire deparment to issue them medals. The doctor says that he will give the men free medical treatment any time they wish. Lastly, the engineer says "why can't they just golf at night?"

[the_only_turek_fan]

3 Engineers apply for the same job. They are all in the same room writing a test.

They are all asked 10 questions each. They all get 9/10 on there tests.

The Employer selects one of the engineers.

The next day, one of the engineers not selected, comes in and asks why he wasnt hired. The employer replies by saying that you got question 8 wrong becuase your answer was "I dont know." The engineer recalls the question and remembered he put that answer and then left.

The second engineer that was not selected then came in to see the employer to ask him why he was not selected. The employer replied by saying. Your response for question 8 was "I dont know either!"

[snowdude]

Experienced economist and not so experienced economist are walking down the road. They get across :doo: lying on the asphalt.


Experienced economist: "If you eat it I'll give you $20,000!"
Not so experienced economist runs his optimization problem and figures out he's better off eating it so he does and collects money.
Continuing along the same road they almost step into yet another :doo: .
Not so experienced economist: "Now, if YOU eat this :doo: I'll give YOU $20,000."
After evaluating the proposal experienced economist eats sh*t getting the money.
They go on. Not so experienced economist starts thinking: "Listen, we both have the same amount of money we had before, but we both ate :doo: . I don't see us being better off."
Experienced economist: "Well, that's true, but you overlooked the fact that we've been just involved in $40,000 of trade."

[snowdude]

TOP 10 REASONS TO STUDY ECONOMICS
1. Economists are armed and dangerous: "Watch out for our invisible hands."
2. Economists can supply it on demand.
3. You can talk about money without every having to make any.
4. You get to say "trickle down" with a straight face.
5. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how they turned out.
6. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are there.
7. If you rearrange the letters in "ECONOMICS", you get "COMIC NOSE".
8. Although ethics teaches that virtue is its own reward, in economics we get taught that reward is its own virtue.
9. When you get drunk, you can tell everyone that you are just researching the law of diminishing marginal utility.
10. When you call 1-900-LUV-ECON and get Kandi Keynes, you will have something to talk about.

[calf]

You wouldn't happen to be an economics major (or as I like to call it, "couldn't get into business" - joking, I honestly respect economics majors), would you snowdude?

Here's one an econ friend of mine told me: Economists do it with models

(I guess you work with a lot of models in econ or something)

[lucid]

snowdude, I've heard the first joke you posted... but we had the economist and the accountant flipped around. I remember it quite clearly... we were in econ class poking fun at business students :P

[BlackArcher101]

Originally posted by lucid@Oct 13 2004, 01:26 AM
snowdude, I've heard the first joke you posted... but we had the economist and the accountant flipped around. I remember it quite clearly... we were in econ class poking fun at business students :P

Ya, that's what I thought too