The Laugh Factory

[calf]

Time for your standard joke thread...


A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. ""Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home.""

[Bring_Back_Shantz]

Okay, I'll add to this.

A guy walks into a bar and sees George Bush and Condaleeza Rice sitting at a table.
He walks over and asks them what they are doing.
George Bush says "We're planning World War Three"
The guy is a little supprised by this and asks "Well that's interesting, what do you plan on doing?"
George looks at the guy and says "Well, first we're gonna kill 10 million Iraqis, and then we're gonna kill a bicycle repair man (no reference to Doh'Biggen, that's just the way I heard the joke)"
The guy is now really confused and asks "Why on earth would you kill a bicycle repair man?"
George Bush looks quite pleased by this and turns to Condaleeza and says "See Condy, I told you no one would care about the 10 million Iraqis"

The scary thing is that it could be true.

[Frank the Tank]

Q: Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

A: It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

[Bill Bumface]

What did the zero say to the eight?




Nice belt.

[sec304]

^^wow!

[Frank the Tank]

Q: Whats better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

A: Not being ######ed.

[White Doors]

Q: How do you know if your buddy is gay?

A: He gets a hard on when you're giving it to him in the arse.

[Frank the Tank]

^^^^

Haha! Thats A Keeper!

[Cowperson]

E-mailed to me the other day:

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card-table with neckties laid out on it. The Arab said, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie, and that you insult me. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table. The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not find it?"

"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

Cowperson

[Ironhorse]

Eleven Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
11. "I reckon this might hurt a little."

[Regulator75]

Q. When does a Camel needs water the most?











A. When it's on FIRE!

[J pold]

What does a farmer say when he looses his tractor?


"Where's my tractor?"

[Rhettzky]

Q: What's the difference between menstrual fluid and sand?

A: You can't gargle sand.

[sec304]

Q:How do you wipe the smile off a clown's face?

A: Hit him in the face with an axe

[albertGQ]

Q: Whats the difference between a pimple and a priest?



A: A pimple waits till you're 14 to come on your face

[albertGQ]

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?



A: Nothing, she's already been told twice

[albertGQ]

Q: What do you do when your wife is staggering on your lawn?



A: Shoot her again

[J pold]

pretty dis tasteful but

Q:Why can't Jesus Play Hockey?

A:He is always getting nailed into the boards

[albertGQ]

Originally Posted by fotze

That's awful, you should be ashamed.

Why would I be ashamed over a joke?

[StoneCole]

A few:

1. A Baby Seal Walks Into a Club

2. What's the hardest thing about eating vegetables?

Positioning the wheelchair.

3. So, there's a police officer cruising along one day, and he sees a guy with thirteen penguins in the back of his car. The cop pulls the guy over and says
"Sir, you can't have thirteen penguins in your car, they have to go to the zoo."
The guy agrees, and drives off towards the zoo.

The next day, the SAME cop sees the SAME guy with the SAME thirteen penguins in the back of his car, except this time everyone is wearing sunglasses and beach towels. He pulls him over again. The cop says
"Sir, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
The guy replies "I did, that was yesterday though. Today we're going to the beach!"

4. A penguin is driving his car through the desert when the car breaks down. Luckily, it breaks down right in front of an auto repair shop, so the penguin pushes his car there. The mechanic says it will be a while and tells the penguin to grab some ice cream across the street since penguins arent used to the hot weather.

The penguin goes to the ice cream shop and orders a cup of vanilla ice cream. Since he is so hot from the desert temperature, he just dives right into the ice cream, eating it without his hands and getting it all over his face to help cool him down. When he is finished, he leaves and heads back to the repair shop.

He enters the repair shop with the vanilla ice cream still dripping down his face. The mechanic, looking under the hood of the car, hears the penguin enter and says "Oh hey, it looks like you blew a seal."

And the penguin replies "Oh no, this is just ice cream."

5. An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.
The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'.

Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

6. The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a VERY cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!