Anticipatory Grieving

[Maritime Q-Scout]

I'm trying to find information about anticipatory grieving (yes, yes, Google I know) but in particular how it affects a marriage, and how it may affect a marriage when the person being pre-grieved is the spouse.

This isn't for me, I'm concerned for some friends and need more information on the illness, and how as a friend I can help the parties directly involved.

[bc-chris]

hey MQ-S

i can't speak to this from a spouse perspective, but i can from a son's. my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer in january 2017. he passed away in september of 2017.

there was the initial 'shock' of "oh man... my dad is going to die" which was tough (even though i know, life is finite, but just that we knew it would happen sooner than later).

i then made the choice that i was going to do everything within my power to support my dad and mom thru that time. it was tough, there were lots of tears, but those last 8 months with my dad were awesome and he knew with out a shadow of a doubt how much he meant to me.

i think that is the advise i'd recommend to you as a friend, support them however you can thru this tough time... but don't stop after the one spouse has passed away. the surviving spouse will be emotionally drained - do what you can to help them. one thing we have done since my dad died is have my mom over for dinner 3 nights/week. she loves it, our kids love seeing grandma and it's a few meals per week that my mom doesn't have to eat alone. these aren't crazy huge dinners (well... some are... but lots are just 'another portion' added to whatever we are having for dinner that night) and it's not like it's a huge visit - my mom will show up around 4:30, dinner at 5 and she's usually headed home by 7.

your situation is of course different, but just 'being there' for your friends and addressing specific needs would be huge.

another huge thing is the attitude of the couple - both the spouse who is sick and the one who isn't. my folks chose to make the best out of a crappy situation and thoroughly enjoyed what time they had left together - and i know that helped a lot.

don't be afraid to come here and ask questions - i had never been thru losing someone close to me so i asked for advise: https://forum.calgarypuck.com/showthread.php?t=159736

this community was awesome with ideas and support

also - if you have any specifics you'd like to ask, feel free to pm me

[zamler]

I've been there, initially I was devastated it crushed me emotionally and greatly affected my health, still dealing with that now. But one day a switch in my head flipped and I realized I had to be there for my father and not think of myself. I know people that never got to that point, I had an aunt that never recovered when my uncle got leukemia, she got much worse after he passed. In her situation I wish she had sought help I was too young at the time to know what to do or try to get her help.

Sadly a few years later she also passed away the stress literally killed her. I don't want to be too much of a downer but my point is if you see anyone in a bad way get them help, I still think about my aunt and what she went through and wonder if I could have done anything.

[btimbit]

I'll echo what's been said, but support for the surviving party is huge. When my son passed away it was almost as if the cancer was all a dream and I had finally woken up to the harsh reality. And that reality hits you like a freight train.

The attitude from some others was like it was all over and done with though. Time doesn't heal all wounds, not by a long shot.

bc-chris, I remember reading your posts when you were pre-grieving and spending as much time with your dad as possible. As tragic and sad as it was, in a way that was a great thread. Makes me smile knowing your dad left knowing he had such a fantastic supportive family. I'm glad your mom is close enough to come by that often