I need advice in dealing with people

[MRCboicgy]

Ok folks, I need some opinions other than my circle of friends and roommate (suomalainen on oilfans.com btw, hope he doesn't mind me mentioning that, yes i live with an oiler nut, he's a good guy, like a big bro) This is very personal, but my group of friends isn't that diverse, and i see a wide range of people on here in ages too (as my friends are all idealistic college students practically), so I'm throwing this out to get others points of view as mine tend to be myopic, and don't worry i realise this is the internet and i won't take anything negative personally.

My bf here in calgary of 5 months finally came out to his parents a few weeks ago, and well they are blaming me for "making him gay" fair enough, we all have different opinions on what it is to be so. My question is, without going into large details of the situation, how does one deal with the constant vitriolic things they say to me? They have told me to my face they hate me, they refuse to sit down and talk and acknowldge the fact i'm a human being, I get harrassing emails, they are making his life hell, and neither of us is in a position to escape for the time being, both being students(and his well to do family supporting him)?

I know it's hard for parents, mine are on 6th month of denial and such, i don't expect everyone to accept it, esp parents, but I just need some interpersonal advice--how do you deal with people? I've so far just lowered my head and taken my lumps, fired back a few harsh words(which i regret) and i mean i'm so lost, my friends, counsellor and everyone are telling me to keep fighting, etc but i don't think starting WWIII will help. I'm giving them space and time, but they are basically trying to break us up cause if i'm out of the picture their son will go back to being straight (verbatim quote: "he's not gay he's just lonely and being trendy") I really care about him, and the 'if you really care about him you'll go away' logic doesn't apply here

I'm gonna be gone most of the day, but suomi and i will read over anything anyone has to say this afternoon, pre BOA (speaking of WWIII in our place :P)

Thanks for your help, try not to focus on the gay side of things if you want, but more on the interpersonal side. sorry for giving your site another qweer-eye makeover Bingo.

Here goes nothing...*hits the Post button*

[CaramonLS]

Well, I get the feeling that his parents are never going to understand the fact that their son is gay.

Some people are like that, without bringing politics in this too much, some people on the right don't even beleive you can be born gay, but in fact that it is a choice as to whether you like men or women. Obviously things like this don't help the situation at all.

I think the thing you have to keep in mind is that some parents will *never* accept the fact that their child is gay.

The only thing I can say is have your boyfriend tell his parents the truth, that in fact he is not attracted to women, but men and there is absolutely nothing they can do about it. Sometimes just being candid about the situation, talking about his struggles as a teen, etc (if he went through that) could help ease the tension.

And just do your best to ignore any threatening email they send... No need to get worked up over it because there isn't much you can do.

[ricosuave]

sounds like a very tough situation

my thoughts are that you cant force people to change their feelings, just as you or your bf, cant change the way 'you are'.

my only advice, and its probably not worth much, but to be polite, and try and let all of that roll off your backs, IE dont provoke any sort of problems.

the parents are the ones who have to deal with this, and it is obvious that they arent dealing with it well.

has the bf spoke up? what about other family members?

take care and good luck
rico

[ken0042]

Well, too late now, but....................

When I have potentially devistating news, news that isn't time sensitive; I try and ease my way into it. Do you or he have any siblings that would be more understanding? I would have told the news to them, let them sit on it for a few months.

Myself, being in my mid-30's, I don't have an issue with somebody being gay. (Unless of course he tries to hit on me.) However keep in mind what generation you are dealing with. Homosexuallity was treated as psychological disorder until the mid-1970's. I'm not saying it was right, but if you were taught all your life that gay people are "crazy", it may be a little hard to accept.

Plus the whole "Nature vs. Nurture" arguement goes out the window. (The basic principal is the question if a trait is inherrited through genes, or taught.) No matter which one the parents believe, it's still "their fault."

As for what to do now, you will have to stay the course. Be polite, courteous, and refrain from acting like a couple in front of them. Give them time, and try to understand their devestation. What they've been told all their lives about how life would be (you have kids, your son meets a nice girl, and raises a familly, giving you grandchildren); all that is now out the window. Give them time.

Hope my perspective helps.

[Maritime Q-Scout]

I just want to say first off, I've never been, nor know anyone who's been in this situation (well I probably do, but I've never talked about or even really thought about this type of situation before...) therefore any advice I give will be based on somewhat related experiances I've delt with. So, take what I say with a grain of salt if you choose.

I'm going to start my reply by trying to show how his parents might be thinking:

they're from a different generation, all of a sudden their baby boy isn't going to follow in their footsteps and marry the girl of his dreams, have children, raise a family, and well... be "normal" (in their definition).

Obviously, it's a shock to them, and they have someone to pinpoint everything on (ie: you).

Do I agree with getting p*ssed off over this? No... but I'm not in their position. Should they blame you for "making him gay", and say that they "hate you"? Obviously not, I do think that's out of line (atleast get to know you, it's ok to hate you for being an *******, but not for being gay)

Are his parents reactions out of the norm? Not saying they're right, but is their reaction abnormal?

I wouldn't think it is. So while it does hurt, and while they are wrong to say those things about you, and be harsh on their son over his coming out, if that's a common reaction it's something you unfortunately have to prepare for. (Might be overly harsh, again I don't know what parents reactions normally are).

That said....

what should *you* do?

I disagree with your advice to this point. Why fight? What does it accomplish now? They're in shock/denial. Right now NOTHING you say or do will change that. You can be perfectly logical, refute any of their concerns, show them there's nothing wrong with being gay, but right now, they won't even hear you. Your best bet in my opinion is to let them blow off some steam.

Even if they say they hate you, even if they're treating him like dirt, I think you both should treat them with the utmost respect, and be polite and kind. If you do that, in time I would think they'll "come around" sort of speak.

Again, right now their lives have been turned upside down, no need to go to WWIII right now, you're kicking them while they're down. I'd assume they'd never say they hate one of their son's friends, or treat him like dirt under any other circumstance, which means shock, they don't know how to handle it. Give them time.

In the words of Samuel Johnson "The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good."

Even if they treat you poorly, show that you are indeed a good person.

Am I right? I dunno... I think most people would say if you treat me like dirt, fudge'em.

I don't think you're compromising your relationship, viewpoint, or giving into "the man" in regards to homosexulaity. You're mearly giving them time to cope.

Then again... what do I know? But I hope it helps

[JiriHrdina]

As other people have mentioned, there is a good chance their feelings won't change. Ultimately you and your b/f are going to have to decide if your relationship is worth putting up with the behavior of his parents. This likely a personal choice for both of you, particularly given the abuse you are receiving from them. Basically - knowing that it may not stop, do you still want to be with him?

Tough question.

The interesting thing is that I've had close friends in this identical situation in straight relationships. The parents of the g/f just could not stand my friend and no matter what he did it wouldn't change. Ultimately he decided it just wasn't worth it and ended the relationship.

Unfortunate situation for you and I hope it works out.

[Phanuthier]

After reading your post and the tone of your email, the issue doesn't seem to be how you worry about them, but the fact that you worry about the relationship itself. It can be tough when the people you rely on the post don't support what your doing.

As said above, there's really nothing you can do about your partner's parents if they are closed minded. They arn't going to change. Period. So, don't worry about what you can't control; worry about what YOU can control.

What you can control is your own relationship. Try and stay positive about everything. It might feel like a little bit of a "us against the world" when it comes to something like homosexuality, and dispite what you might think, the world today and our generation is quite open to homosexuality. You might be getting more unnessasary rude remarks then you should, but I'd just shurg them off. Just give them a "I'm sorry you feel that way" and write it off as immaturity.

Good luck!

PS: If you are a student, you do know that there is help through the students union available for you? Those guys could probably give you some more "professional" advice then any of us.

[FireFly]

Originally posted by JiriHrdina@Oct 15 2005, 11:29 AM
As other people have mentioned, there is a good chance their feelings won't change. Ultimately you and your b/f are going to have to decide if your relationship is worth putting up with the behavior of his parents. This likely a personal choice for both of you, particularly given the abuse you are receiving from them. Basically - knowing that it may not stop, do you still want to be with him?

If your boyfriend's parents will never change, they will treat all of his future, (if you left him) boyfriends in the same manner. That is something HE will have to deal with. And yourself with him. He will have to deal with it always. Can you or do you want to be there with him?

For yourself however, you are faced with a different issue. They blame you... I would approach it, and respond to such comments in a joking manner... If your bf's parents blame you for 'turning' their son gay, then I would respond to that saying, 'well, I must be an awesome person/really hot if I can turn a straight man, gay!' Eventually, they will realize that if you did turn their son gay, there must be something really special about you. And at some point in time, they will even come to realize that you probably didn't turn their son gay anyways, but it will take a really long time.

Best of luck to both of you!

[KevanGuy]

Originally posted by MRCboicgy@Oct 15 2005, 10:22 AM
My question is, without going into large details of the situation, how does one deal with the constant vitriolic things they say to me?

Umm....grab a helmet. Its called life. Not everybody gets along. Some people arent going to like you and, just maybe, someone might say something nasty. Everyone goes through stuff like that. If you dont like what someone is saying to you then dont hang out with them. Seems pretty simple.

[MRCboicgy]

I won't reply to specific points, i appriciate what has been said. I appriciate seeing things from others' perspectives, esp from the parental ones. I guess I just needed some reassurement that it's ok to be meek and to take my lumps as the people around me are for the most part rather militant and when they see that someone is being kept down they are all for the stand up for your rights and fight back, but that's not me all the time. Words don't bother me, what they say to me, although hurting is really not the issue I guess. I feel they are trying to goad me into fighting, and with everyone around me pushing me to stand up to the man, I almost have, but I don't feel it's right. What kills me are the pressures they are putting on him, if I can smooth things over with them maybe they will ease up on him. Caring about someone this much is a new thing for me, this is a new level as my happiness is hasn't been higher, and i find myself feeling worse for what he has to go through and his worrying for me.

As for support, we both have counselors, and they have been helping us out alot, he has no family support as they will not let him tell his younger brother or the rest of the family, as even he is afraid of the reaction. There is just so much to deal with at times, and i don't feel its a bad thing getting as many views as possible as there is no one right answer, other than the belief/hope that love does conquor all

[Cube Inmate]

Doesn't sound like you can reason with these parents, and you shouldn't try. I don't think it's OK to just sit back and take their abuse... if you learn to accept abuse like that, you'll probably start believing half the things they say.

From my uninformed perspective, I see two separate problems: the abuse of you, and the abuse of him. Sounds like he's still living with his parents, so that's hard to get around. But you...who's forcing you to come in contact with them? If you get harrassing emails, set up a filter to reject them (or just reply with a "form letter" type thing saying, "The MRC e-mail system has rejected your email for offensive content. If you wish to contact your intended recipient, please compose a civilized email").

If you simply avoid all contact with these people, you'll take away one of their outlets for their disappointment/anger, and they'll have to deal with their own son. That is to say, as long as you're there for them to blame, they're not going to see that their problem is with their own son.

Don't just sit back and let yourself be beaten down for this.

[notoepik]

You have to look past the present, and into the future. If your relationship with this young man continues, as you hope it does, then you will not want to do something now that will jeoprodize his or your future relationship with his family.

It is much easier for you be as kind and pleasant as possible now than it will be to mend the broken relationship with his family. I think what you are doing is right, support each other, and don't stir the pot and fan the flames, there is no need for that.

Hopefully in time his parents will come to realize that their son is indeed a wonderful person no matter what his sexual orientation, no matter who is his partner in life, and that he is not just chasing a fad And they will be glad he is happy.

[RedHot25]

I think time is likely a big key to this as well.

AS some people have mentioned, it will take time for them to "get used to it". I'm not meaning this in any connotation (pro or con), just that it simply will - as other people have pointed out, things such as society's views, personal history, values, beliefs, etc. - just won't change overnight.

The best I think to do, is be there as a support for him (your b/f), as he is likely going through a REAL tough time - you are too, but just think for him, its his parents (not minimalizing this for you, by the way) and family. Perhaps if they see you being supportive, loving and caring towards him - what should happen in ANY relationship - then that might "soften" their reaction. However, like everyone has mentioned, its not going to change over time.

And, to be honest, this might be a time that allows you personally to examine your relationship. I don't mean this to come across selfishly, but you are equally part of the relationship as he is. Do you love him this much to make the commitment to go through this? Or do you see yourself as more of an ally to him? Is it a relationship issue, or moreso a chance to advocate more generally regarding "gay rights"? Tough questions to ask, I know, and even tougher to answer.

Anyways, just some random thoughts, take them as they are (couple beer in me already). As has been said, are you prepared in case they don't soften their views? etc etc...

Again, a lot of questions. I trust whatever you decide, though, you seem to have a pretty good head on your shoulders!

Cheers

(p.s. - by the way, I am in social work myself for what its worth).

[Ro]

It would be so easy for me and others on this board to say a simple "keep fighting" and leave it at that. But this situation sounds like it deserves some more practical advice than that, given that it's so intense.

I don't think there's anything wrong with giving your parents/his parents some space, and defending your position is obviously important. But don't think for a second that you have to put up with the abuse that you are taking from them right now.

My advice would be to distance yourself from their negativity and try to stay as positive as you can. If you and your boyfriend are meant to be together, then embrace that and try and be as happy as you can. Live life, have fun, associate with people that make you smile and laugh.

If your/his parents are supporting you or your guy financially, then this complicates things. I don't think you have any choice but to cut yourself off if their irrational behaviour continues. So make the tough decision and sever those ties, if that applies.

I'm sure you have done this as well, but visit as many homosexual forums, talk to as many gay couples as you can, etc. Find out how other couples dealt with these types of situations, because you won't be along. They will have many coping strategies and great advice for you, no doubt.

But as far as the thing with the parents go, that's tough. I mean, they will always be your parents, so you don't want to alienate them from your life indefinitely. But if you are sacrificing your happiness because of their old-school arrogance, then you need to make what will probably be the hardest decision of your life and tell them that you're not going to put up with them anymore.

Good luck man, nobody deserves to go through what you're going through.

On a side note, I was driving home tonight and saw a gay couple holding hands walking across a busy downtown intersection. I started to think, "I wonder what it would have been like 30 years ago if they did that. Would people be yelling out their car windows? Would those two have even been holding hands?"

And then I thought "it's great that I live in a time where people aren't afraid to hide their homosexuality. Maybe by the time I'm 75, people won't even give them a second look."

I have some experience with gays/lesbians (my uncle is gay, my aunt a lesbian), so I might be a little more sensitive to the topic than some. But that's not to say seeing those that gay couple holding hands didn't jar me a little, or to be honest, even make me feel a little uncomfortable. Not in a hateful way, just in a "I don't understand how a guy could be attracted to another guy" kind of way.

But I think that's more of an issue I have in my own head. I fully understand that people have a right to be happy, and those two guys are no exception. Either are you and your boyfriend.

So fight, but don't sacrifice too much trying to win the battle. In the long run, you'll have to make a hard decision between your happiness and your family's acceptance of the matter. If your relationship is meant to be, you'll make the right decision. And even if you guys end up breaking up, you're still gay, and your parents need to accept that. So let them know you'll only put up with so much.

[MRCboicgy]

Again, thanks. I can't say what exactly am i going to do at this point, but I do have other thought processes opened now. As I said there isn't a totally correct way to do things. Really I figure I will try to be humble but not a pushover, I'm pretty committed to him and I mean it's worth the trouble, what relationship hasn't had some types of adversity.

And Ro, if you, or anyone, ever see two young guys, sorta skaterish looking (caps hoodies and baggy jeans) walking along the river pathway, maybe down to eauclaire etc anywhere DT, hand in hand, it's probably the two of us ;P holla!

[ken0042]

One question for you, how old are you, and how old is your b/f?

The reason I ask, is sometimes it might be different for somebody who's 19 vs. somebody who is in their 30's.

[Tower]

Originally posted by MRCboicgy@Oct 15 2005, 04:22 PM
Ok folks, I need some opinions other than my circle of friends and roommate (suomalainen on oilfans.com btw, hope he doesn't mind me mentioning that, yes i live with an oiler nut, he's a good guy, like a big bro) This is very personal, but my group of friends isn't that diverse, and i see a wide range of people on here in ages too (as my friends are all idealistic college students practically), so I'm throwing this out to get others points of view as mine tend to be myopic, and don't worry i realise this is the internet and i won't take anything negative personally.

My bf here in calgary of 5 months finally came out to his parents a few weeks ago, and well they are blaming me for "making him gay" fair enough, we all have different opinions on what it is to be so. My question is, without going into large details of the situation, how does one deal with the constant vitriolic things they say to me? They have told me to my face they hate me, they refuse to sit down and talk and acknowldge the fact i'm a human being, I get harrassing emails, they are making his life hell, and neither of us is in a position to escape for the time being, both being students(and his well to do family supporting him)?

I know it's hard for parents, mine are on 6th month of denial and such, i don't expect everyone to accept it, esp parents, but I just need some interpersonal advice--how do you deal with people? I've so far just lowered my head and taken my lumps, fired back a few harsh words(which i regret) and i mean i'm so lost, my friends, counsellor and everyone are telling me to keep fighting, etc but i don't think starting WWIII will help. I'm giving them space and time, but they are basically trying to break us up cause if i'm out of the picture their son will go back to being straight (verbatim quote: "he's not gay he's just lonely and being trendy") I really care about him, and the 'if you really care about him you'll go away' logic doesn't apply here

I'm gonna be gone most of the day, but suomi and i will read over anything anyone has to say this afternoon, pre BOA (speaking of WWIII in our place :P)

Thanks for your help, try not to focus on the gay side of things if you want, but more on the interpersonal side. sorry for giving your site another qweer-eye makeover Bingo.

Here goes nothing...*hits the Post button*

Dude

2 things striaght or gay that are important
RESPECT
how does he like and they like him.
Most relationships depend on the "mother/Father/inlaw " attitude - if your partner has an issue with a parent that has raised him/her for her life there are warning signs.

It is always important to have the parents and sons/daughters respect not to be confused with control...

With respect they will come around - perhaps not with you but with him and his choice. You need to ask yourself this, and if it is worth it for you.

It's hard to break that "virginaty" and be liked by a father... IE - that ass that touches my daughter will feel my fist against his skull...

Is this helping here?

I've been doing a lot of soul searching and although I have been coming across as crass on the board lately I really am just breaking out my frustrations and I'm letting go, and healing with people I've known for years and will either read or just move on to the next post. I'm fine with that.

I have 3 rules (set for dating women but take it or leave it)

!. does she get along with dad in a positive way?

2. mom in a positive way?

3. Do I and she find each other hot!

Most would put #3 first but I find many women hot but don't pass 1 and 2. So why bother. I'm done fighting idiots, and it's just time to do what I need to do.

take care and good luck my friend. You can't change people just what is around you.

[MRCboicgy]

Ok some details, hes on the cusp of turning 20, I'm just 21. The relationship with the family is good, he stayed strong as his parents went through marital troubles (but they are becoming more united now). He loves his parents, that's why this hurts so much because he respects their opinion and them not even sitting down for coffee to get to learn who I am. They are using the age difference as a reason too, 'well you shouldn't date someone older' (now if i was like 35, i could see that, but any age spread under 10 years is ok in my books provided it's not like 23/13--eww yuk). He's the one who takes care of his lil bro, he cleans the house, he's incredibly responsible and mature--as i'm the silly one at times, he's a good son, I noticed that right away when we were just hanging out (we were friends first and then over a period of time noticed a definite spark) that he had a solid upbringing another thing is his folks know i'm not the first guys he's dated, but they still blame me. Either way, the relationship is pretty solid and equal with us.

[Eastern Girl]

Originally posted by MRCboicgy@Oct 16 2005, 11:26 AM
another thing is his folks know i'm not the first guys he's dated, but they still blame me.

Maybe they sort of knew that he was gay but they were able to pretend that it wasn't true, but then he came out and they can no longer pretend that he is straight. And since he came out while he was with you, they blame you for it. Does that make sense? That's just a theory anyways...

I can't help you out too much unfortunately. I haven't ever dealt with anything like this before. As far as I know, I don't know anyone that is gay so I couldn't even give you second hand info on the topic. But I will just say that he needs to decide whether your relationship is worth putting his relationship with his parents in jeopardy. Unfortunately, that's not something you can help him out with so your job is to just be there for him and not respond negatively to anything that his parents might throw at you. Don't give them anything that they can use against you to prove their believe that you are a bad person. Also, if you do respond negatively, it just makes it that much more difficult for him.

Other than that, I hope all goes well for you guys. Good luck.

[Mean Mr. Mustard]

Originally posted by KevanGuy@Oct 15 2005, 12:39 PM
Umm....grab a helmet. Its called life. Not everybody gets along. Some people arent going to like you and, just maybe, someone might say something nasty. Everyone goes through stuff like that. If you dont like what someone is saying to you then dont hang out with them. Seems pretty simple.

I can't help but agree 100%, I understand where you are coming from Mrc, but at the same time I can understand and respect where they are coming from. I don't want to sound rude, but no one really ever wishes that their son or daughter would be a homosexual, I know that might come off making me look like a bigot, but that is what I have found to be the case over the years. It likely is a shock for them, and they have beliefs that have to be acknowledged and respected. I know that probably isn't what you want to hear, but your boyfriends parents likely will never like you, and that is the ccold hard truth of the matter.

But you must have known that this was going to happen somewhere down the line, correct?