Marriage Councelling

[RichKlit]

Hi,

So obviously things aren’t going well in my world. Please keep the comments kind as my world is falling apart and I feel like I’m dying inside, I’ve only eaten once since New Year’s Eve as I can’t keep anything down and I’m lost. Maybe I’m weak and should man up but I can’t, she was my entire world. I have no one to turn to for help. I’m looking for a good couples counselling office. I’m pretty sure it won’t change her mind as she’s set on leaving me but at least she said she will attend. It’s not a fly by night relationship as we’ve been together for 13 years. Thanks in advance for any help.

[GGG]

It’s worth fighting for.

I don’t have any help on recommendations for people but you probably also want to see a councillor for yourself as well to help you deal with the grief you are feeling in addition to the couples one.

Try to make sure you take care of yourself as you go through this.

[metallicat]

Are you guys able to afford to pay for a full fee therapist? It can get pretty pricy. If you can, that's great. If not, call 211 and ask for some counselling options that are lower cost and they'll point you in the right direction.

[CaptainCrunch]

Originally Posted by GGG

It’s worth fighting for.

I don’t have any help on recommendations for people but you probably also want to see a councillor for yourself as well to help you deal with the grief you are feeling in addition to the couples one.

Try to make sure you take care of yourself as you go through this.

I was going to come on and mention this as well.



Couple's counseling isn't always a magic bullet to fix things in a marriage or a relationship. I went through it and I wasn't married, and what I learned from it was invaluable going forward, but by the time we got to counseling it was too late to save the relationship, and it just because a forum for even more problems.



But from what you're saying, you need to talk to someone yourself, because if you put your eggs in the couples basket and it fails it could be even worse for you.


When your talking to 211 ask for recommendations for depression help.

[Maccalus]

I sent a recommendation via pm of an office that can do both couples and individual counseling.

I hope that you find the help you need

[Duruss]

Been there and ultimately my ex started to skip/avoid sessions and I took that as a clear lack of effort, so I switched to gtfo mode. One of the big things I noticed in why she quit Councilling was the councilor wanted my ex to actually put in effort and be accountable, my ex just wanted the councilor to validate her whinging and turns out that's not what they do

But here's the biggest thing by that point I no longer felt attracted to her anymore and nothing I tried brought that back(she didn't help either). So gives this your all but head up and eyes open.

Also Shakespeare was right about love and loss.

[RichKlit]

Thank you everyone for your responses I genuinely appreciate each response. I normally wouldn’t post something like this as it seems so dramatic and attention seeking but we’ve isolated ourselves over the years and I really don’t have anyone to turn to anymore. It’s a really lonely feeling so thank you.

[ben voyonsdonc]

Originally Posted by RichKlit

Hi,

So obviously things aren’t going well in my world. Please keep the comments kind as my world is falling apart and I feel like I’m dying inside, I’ve only eaten once since New Year’s Eve as I can’t keep anything down and I’m lost. Maybe I’m weak and should man up but I can’t, she was my entire world. I have no one to turn to for help. I’m looking for a good couples counselling office. I’m pretty sure it won’t change her mind as she’s set on leaving me but at least she said she will attend. It’s not a fly by night relationship as we’ve been together for 13 years. Thanks in advance for any help.

Please take care of yourself first. Speak to a therapist about your own experiences and start to reconcile those first. Building your own self esteem as an individual is going to be the most important thing...the rest will take care of itself.

No single person or relationship defines who we are. We are all much bigger, more complex, and more interesting than that.

Please keep talking. Sharing here is a great step and I’m sure there are many who have gone through the same thing that you are and have come out the other side. You will get there too - whether it is with her or without.

[Locke]

I dont know what you do for work, but employers often have a plan within their health benefits that include counselling, I believe its called an 'Employee Wellness Program?'

So you might want to look into that because that could get you going without costing you anything.

[Strange Brew]

I have been there and know what you are feeling. It is a good sign that she is willing to go.

But ultimately you will figure out for yourself that your own happiness can’t be tied to another person or a situation that you’re in. Two things will help with this. Time. And talking to someone.

If you don’t have an employee benefit program that will help, and have some financial constraints you might try your church. If you’re not part of a church, but aren’t morally opposed to the idea, you might try reaching out to one in your area. It’s my experience that they have resources that will help you and aren’t going to get all “preachy” if you will.

If that idea doesn’t work for you, which is totally understandable, hit google hard and it seems like you’re getting great recommendations from people here.

But as others have said, it’s important now to devote as much time to yourself, if not more, than your relationship. That will be healthy for both of you in the long run.

And when I was younger, I too had the same reaction to extreme stress. Couldn’t eat. That will get better too.

[cam_wmh]

Good advice already shared, I dont have more to offer, other than I hope it works out for the best. Take care

[tvp2003]

I can’t offer much more in the way of relationship advice but I’m sorry to hear things feel difficult if not overwhelming. It will get better. And I’ll echo the advice to take care of yourself — there are resources available for you and your situation (including personal and couples counseling), and while it may not “fix” things the way you might imagine in the moment, I believe things happen for a reason and that includes what you’re going through now. Hang in there.

[RichKlit]

To all who have sent me pm’s thank you I have sent responses to you but I’m not sure I’m sending them properly so I just wanted to make sure that I thank each of you for your concern.

[Dion]

If you don't have an employee assistance program you may want to consider the Calgary Counselling Centre. They work on a sliding fee schedule where you pay what you can afford. I've used it myself for personal issues and got excellent results.

https://calgarycounselling.com/counselling/

Take good care of you and don't be afraid to see a counseler for yourself. You can't let your marital problems drag you down a dark hole.

Best wishes and one day at a time

[CaptainCrunch]

To be honest, I got some terrific advice from people on this board.

After this year when I lost a good friend and his wife, lost my job and had a family member kill himself, I went down a pretty angry path, that I didn't want to share with anyone.

I'm not one that shares my feelings all that often with my family or inner circle of friends. I didn't lash out at anyone, I more withdrew from most of the people, and I lied to them a lot about how I was doing.

I blamed myself for a lot of the things that were happening around me.

But the advice from this board to go out and talk to someone was actually really good advice. While I went to get counseling, and the most important thing that I did was tell the counselor, that I wasn't and never would be comfortable in terms of sharing things, or openly discussing what I was feeling. But he did give me tools to cope, and did work with me on documenting for myself what I was angry about, and why I was blaming myself and those were the foundation on giving me tools.

One of the most important things to realize is that you don't have control over everything in your life, and you certainly don't have control over other peoples lives, so there is literally no point in beating yourself up over things that you can't control or change. Once in a while . . . its really ok to give yourself a break, and not necessarily forgive yourself for things that go wrong, but realize that you did everything possible and it just wasn't possible to fix it and its not your fault.

Regret is a 10,000 pound rock chained to your ankle and whenever your in deep water it will drag you to the bottom and drown you.

So in a relationship if you strictly believe that everything that goes wrong is your fault, you're not only tying your rock around your ankle, but you are willingly chaining your significant others rock as well. That will drown you for sure.

Now, not to sound cruel here. But the bottom line on relationship counseling only works if both sides are open to communication and change and saving the relationship. If you're convinced that the other half is agreeing to go to either go through the motions of it, or to try to take that rock off of his/her ankle and tie it around yours and make you the bad guy, then before you go through that motion ask. Ask what they believe is going to come out of this, ask if there's any chance of fixing this. And if there's not and she's pretty much committed to leaving. Fore go the counseling and get help for yourself and be a little selfish.

Just my 2 cents.

[WhiteTiger]

Originally Posted by CaptainCrunch

To be honest, I got some terrific advice from people on this board.

This board and it's search function are almost, but not quite my go-to these days for advice.

Now, not to sound cruel here. But the bottom line on relationship counseling only works if both sides are open to communication and change and saving the relationship. If you're convinced that the other half is agreeing to go to either go through the motions of it, or to try to take that rock off of his/her ankle and tie it around yours and make you the bad guy, then before you go through that motion ask. Ask what they believe is going to come out of this, ask if there's any chance of fixing this. And if there's not and she's pretty much committed to leaving. Fore go the counseling and get help for yourself and be a little selfish.

So very much this. Both parties have to legit want to work at it. I've got a buddy going through this, and he wants to work at it, but his soon-to-be-ex doesn't want anything to do with him.

Sometimes, as painful as it is (and speaking as someone who's been down the divorce road himself) you just have to cut your losses and look out for yourself.

As always, if you have overwhelming feelings of grief or just need someone to talk to right away, the Distress Centre can be both phoned ((403.266.HELP (4357)) or access through online chat, which is helpful. Folks 'diss' it at the 'new wave' way, but sometimes, it's easier to type stuff down than it is to get it past the raw lump in your throat.

[afc wimbledon]

The only thing I can add from my own experience is that what ever the outcome you will survive and heal, in my own case I was exactly where you were when my marriage imploded after 14 years, it was grim and dreadful and on a cold lonely drive down a mountain road I found myself entertaining the possibility of just driving off the road, I didn't and realised that there was only one thing I could do to both protect myself emotionally and possibly save the marriage, and that was get strong and independent in a hurry, women do not find weakness attractive so even if its just a mask you need to look strong and to some degree like you don't give a crap, that you will do just fine without her, I found myself a place to live, looked after my daughter, around 5 months later she did change her mind but to be frank by then I was happier without her and as nicely as possible told her to pound salt.

Never got angry, no point, never broke down much in front of her, again no point, did my grieving with friends or alone.
You need to be the guy she fell in love with, that wasn't a sad weepy bastard that was I'm guessing a happy funny guy with hopes and dreams, pretend if you have to but be as positive around her as you can.

[jeffporfirio]

There is very little I can add, as you have received great advice already.
It is good that she is willing to give counseling a try.
There is a program called retrouvaille (sp), it is a two day program for marriages on the brink. I have heard great things about them, plus I believe that costs are only $200, and then it is voluntary if you want to pay more.
You can find more info here

http://www.helpourmarriagecalgary.com

edit. Although it has a Catholic background, no one will try to evangelize or convert you, there are no masses, or confession, you don't even have to believe in God to attend, they just lead you in ways to revive your marriage, start over and heal.

[troutman]

I like what Michelle Obama said about marriage counseling (and even happy couples need to work on it):

According to Michelle, she had expected that their counselor would ask Barack to shape up. But instead, therapy became a tool for her, too, to dig introspectively and to grow into her best self.

"Well, you go because you think the counselor is going to help you make your case against the other person. 'Would you tell him about himself?!' And lo and behold, counseling wasn’t that at all. It was about me exploring my sense of happiness. What clicked in me was that I need support and I need some from him. But I needed to figure out how to build my life in a way that works for me".

https://www.elitedaily.com/p/michell...iring-13127419

[DoubleF]

Originally Posted by WhiteTiger

As always, if you have overwhelming feelings of grief or just need someone to talk to right away, the Distress Centre can be both phoned ((403.266.HELP (4357)) or access through online chat, which is helpful. Folks 'diss' it at the 'new wave' way, but sometimes, it's easier to type stuff down than it is to get it past the raw lump in your throat.

I was going to add this point as well and I think it bears repeating.

In between counseling sessions or even before, consider giving the distress centre a call for what you yourself are going through.

I wish you the best OP.