Life Question

[hayduke's dad]

A very good friend of mine screwed me over years ago. Long story short he damaged my sea-doo and refused to cover repairs. Cost me about $5000 in the late 90's. After a long battle with trying to work things out he wouldn't move on his stance. Seeing we weren't friends anymore I took him to small claims court. Before it was decided on by judge I tried one last call to work it out before a ruling. Again he declined. I ended up winning. He paid me sporadically $50 a month for a couple years then never paid again. with interest he still owes over $7000 now. I never pursued making him pay or garnishing his wages even after all that he became an officer of the law.

Recently he has been diagnosed with cancer and outlook isn't good. He sends me a Facebook message after not talking for 15+ years saying he misses our friendship and wants to be friends seeing he doesn't know how much time he has left. No apology no sorry.

Am I expecting to much? I feel bad for him as he could die with young kids but he chose not to ever call me back. I am torn in how to reply.

What would you do?

Not reply?

Tell him he was one who chose the path? Good Luck?

Give in and tell him it's ok lets be friends?

[flamesfan1297]

I'm not saying I recommend you do this, but id probably do option C. He chose his path, and waited 15 years to kinda try and fix it, I'd make him live with his choices.

[BlackArcher101]

Sounds like he wants to be friends when it only benefits him.

I don't typically stay friends with people like that. So he chose that path, I would respond as he did to you, never.

[Dion]

I would express my feelings in an honest and open way by saying that what he did and his failure to pay for the damages was the reason why the friendship ended. Give him a chance to reflect on that and see if he does apologise.

The above being said, I would offer up my support and say I will be there for you as you battle this Cancer. I'm not a person who holds grudges and would have a hard time saying no to someone whom I knew was dying from Cancer.

[PepsiFree]

Life is too short for grudges, and there’s no benefit to teaching lessons of principle to the dying.

Forgive.

[greyshep]

I'm not sure its worth holding any grudges. Life is too short to hang onto stuff like that. Considering his situation I think it would be nice if you could move on from it, but I get that its tough.

What is the benefit of rebuffing his request? Would making him "live with his choice" make you feel better about things?

[Dion]

Originally Posted by PepsiFree

Life is too short for grudges, and there’s no benefit to teaching lessons of principle to the dying.

Forgive.

You expressed it better than I could

[curves2000]

I am not 100% sure or not but the fact that he messaged you would indicate that you crossed his mind one way or another. I am not suggesting what he did was right, in fact its morally wrong but we have all made very bad mistakes in life and do regret them.

At this stage if you did respond and would be interested in communicating back and forth I am sure an apology would in fact come. Talking about emotions and feelings isn't something that comes naturally to a lot of guys but when events such as health change, it opens up perspective on strange ways. That's why people who have had near death experiences, life threatening diagnoses etc always have a different view on life and don't sweat the small stuff.

[OMG!WTF!]

He decided he'd rather have 5k than your friendship and continues to hold that position...he could always write that check. It's never "just money". It's symbolic of much more.

I'd like to think there are friends who could clip me for 5k and no matter the circumstances they would not be in my debt and our friendship would trump any value the money represented. But those friends would not be the kind of people who would take advantage of that situation anyway. Your ex friend sounds like he's not that kind of friend. And without question you did not have that kind of relationship with him. In my opinion your 5k should buy you peace of mind knowing that you can ignore him without any moral obligation to forgive.

It's also a bit concerning you can become a cop with a financial judgment against you. It's not that much different than theft really.

[rbochan]

fff - PIL

[Itse]

Sounds like you kind of want to be friends but also feel resentment for what happened. So tell him that.

Especially at this point you can still be friends even if you haven't totally forgiven him / each other. Friendships don't have to be perfect harmony.

As PepsiFree said, grudges are pointless.

[Reaper]

Originally Posted by PepsiFree

Life is too short for grudges, and there’s no benefit to teaching lessons of principle to the dying.

Forgive.

Having a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

[HockeyIlliterate]

Tell him that you appreciate the head's up regarding his impending death as it will allow you to lodge a claim for the remaining amount of the unpaid debt against his estate.

[Fuzz]

Ah, the old "pretend you have cancer to get out of 20 year old $7000 sea-doo debt" trick. Nice try buddy!

[GordonBlue]

Originally Posted by hayduke's dad

A very good friend of mine screwed me over years ago. Long story short he damaged my sea-doo and refused to cover repairs. Cost me about $5000 in the late 90's. After a long battle with trying to work things out he wouldn't move on his stance. Seeing we weren't friends anymore I took him to small claims court. Before it was decided on by judge I tried one last call to work it out before a ruling. Again he declined. I ended up winning. He paid me sporadically $50 a month for a couple years then never paid again. with interest he still owes over $7000 now. I never pursued making him pay or garnishing his wages even after all that he became an officer of the law.

Recently he has been diagnosed with cancer and outlook isn't good. He sends me a Facebook message after not talking for 15+ years saying he misses our friendship and wants to be friends seeing he doesn't know how much time he has left. No apology no sorry.

Am I expecting to much? I feel bad for him as he could die with young kids but he chose not to ever call me back. I am torn in how to reply.

What would you do?

Not reply?

Tell him he was one who chose the path? Good Luck?

Give in and tell him it's ok lets be friends?

what I would do is respond, thank him for getting in touch, say I'm sorry for his illness . maybe even throw in a "I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers"

then I wouldn't message him again. no way in hell I'd pretend to be friends out of obligation or misplaced guilt.

[Poe969]

It's all good and well to say "just forgive him" but at the same time he needs to know that there is something he's being forgiven for (if you do decide to forgive him). As others mentioned, be straight with the guy. Tell him that you were hurt by him betraying your friendship, not taking ownership of what he did, not paying you back even when the law said he was supposed to and then never bothering to pay you or even say hi to you.

It's crappy but if he didn't get cancer he wouldn't be reaching out to you, is it really him reaching out to you or is it him trying to make himself feel better? If you talk to him, see if he actually cares about you or if he's just trying to make peace with the world before he goes.

He's been out of your life for this long, and $7000 is $7000. You're not mean if you decide not to talk to him or if you ask him to pay you.

[calf]

Ask yourself how you'd feel if he passed tomorrow and you didn't reach out today. What if you did reach out - what would you say?

Go with the one that makes you feel better.

[GGG]

Do you miss your friendship with him?

It's self serving but you don't have an obligation to him and you both chose money over friendship. So it doesn't matter that he has all of these problems. You both decided that the friendship didn't matter. He, since he didn't mention the debt still believes that the money is more important. The question is do you?

As an aside was he negligent when he damaged the jet ski or was it an accidendent?

[rotten42]

I don't call it a grudge. It is simply coming to terms that someone you thought was a friend wasn't. At this point you owe them nothing.

[OMG!WTF!]

There's also a difference between holding a grudge and being a sucker. You get to choose friends. Might as well do it wisely.