Hello CP. I don't have any immediate concerns but as I've now reached the age that my friends are getting married and even I may someday tie the knot, I'd like to get some advice on wedding etiquette. I've had some friends ask me and I have no idea what the standard is nowadays, or ever for that matter.
1) Gifts. I only give cash but the question is how much? G/f and I are attending the wedding of a friend of hers. They are reasonably close but not so close that she's a bridesmaid. I figure we should each give $100 each. Enough to cover our meals plus a little extra.
2) Who pays for what? No one seems to know who is on the hook for things. Do the groomsmen pay for their own suits? What about bridesmaids and their dresses? Tux rentals? Buy suits for keeps? Pay a portion?
3) Who does what? One of my lady friends says that bridesmaids are supposed to do a bunch of work for the wedding. Is that normal? Does the bride normally use the bridesmaids as her personal assistants for 6 months before the wedding? I was a groomsman and I had very few responsibilities. Maybe it is a man/woman thing.
4) More gifts. Is it normal for the bride/groom to buy gifts for the bridesmaids/groomsmen?
The short answers to all your questions though, is "it depends". The answers all depend on the people involved. I've been to weddings where everyone in the wedding party paid for all their own stuff. I've been to some where the bridesmaids and groomsmen paid for their own gown or rental, but the bride and groom wanted everyone to have special footware, so they provided that.
In short, there is no 'right' answer, and it'll always depend on the people involved.
Hello CP. I don't have any immediate concerns but as I've now reached the age that my friends are getting married and even I may someday tie the knot, I'd like to get some advice on wedding etiquette. I've had some friends ask me and I have no idea what the standard is nowadays, or ever for that matter.
I might be old school but I'll give it a shot
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cecil Terwilliger
1) Gifts. I only give cash but the question is how much? G/f and I are attending the wedding of a friend of hers. They are reasonably close but not so close that she's a bridesmaid. I figure we should each give $100 each. Enough to cover our meals plus a little extra.
For weddings, that I'm just an invitee, I usually do the envelope of cash. I'm too lazy to find out where a couple of registered and go do the whole got it got it need it crap. If its a close friend or family member, or girl that I had drunken sex with, then I'll put some effort into the gift buying.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cecil Terwilliger
2) Who pays for what? No one seems to know who is on the hook for things. Do the groomsmen pay for their own suits? What about bridesmaids and their dresses? Tux rentals? Buy suits for keeps? Pay a portion?
I've always had to pay for my own suit unless its something unique that the groom wants. If they're doing a Star Trek Themed wedding and we have to dress up like fricken Klingons grooms paying for that. With the Brides maids, usually because its some kind of matching dress scenario, its usually paid for by the Bride, cause girl ain't gonna wear no ugly bridesmaid dress again yo.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cecil Terwilliger
3) Who does what? One of my lady friends says that bridesmaids are supposed to do a bunch of work for the wedding. Is that normal? Does the bride normally use the bridesmaids as her personal assistants for 6 months before the wedding? I was a groomsman and I had very few responsibilities. Maybe it is a man/woman thing.
Usually the brides and bridesmaids do the organizing and pass the list around. But the men folk are usually given the logistical tasks like picking up this or buying that. Because we're hopeless and don't understand what a dream wedding is all about.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cecil Terwilliger
4) More gifts. Is it normal for the bride/groom to buy gifts for the bridesmaids/groomsmen?
Any other general suggestions?
Yes, At every wedding that I've been at a member of the wedding party, I've been given something. Its ranged from a wallet, or a picture frame, right up to getting a really nice watch when I was the MC at the reception.
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The short answers to all your questions though, is "it depends". The answers all depend on the people involved. I've been to weddings where everyone in the wedding party paid for all their own stuff. I've been to some where the bridesmaids and groomsmen paid for their own gown or rental, but the bride and groom wanted everyone to have special footware, so they provided that.
In short, there is no 'right' answer, and it'll always depend on the people involved.
ok.. thanks?
How about this, are you married? What did you do for all of the above?
1. Cash. I always do $100, if I am closer to the person I will go higher or pair it with a gift. For some good friends of ours that just got married my wife and I gave them the cash and an "old fashioned kit" as the groom and I like to drink them at the lake. Top end bourbon and all the tools/ingredients necessary to make the drink done up nice in a wooden crate. At that point price is irrelevant I just buy what I need to complete the gift. He did the same for us initially giving me the Bear Grylls Ultimate Knife with an envelope of cash. It was my favourite gift.
I will also add that Gift Cards are actually a cool gift to get. It took us to stores and restaurants that we normally wouldn't go to and gave us an excuse to go out on a few date nights (which become important in marriage as things can start to get a little to routine).
2. For my wedding we just did tux rentals and I paid the deposit for my wedding party and they paid the rest. I think it ended up costing each guy around $60. They then tried to give me the money for the deposit even sneaking 20's into my bag the night of the wedding. Any wedding party my wife has been a part of they buy their own dresses. One thing that I have seen and we did the same was just pick a colour for the dress and let the girls find their own, that way they can use it again at future weddings/events. And it also helps them be more comfortable during the day standing up there in front of all those people. If they are stuffed into a dress that obviously isn't built for them it can be a crappy experience for them and you want to make sure your wedding party is always having fun.
3. I think most girls just like to help each other at weddings, my wife goes nuts over helping her friends and it is 'fun' to her. She spent hours gathering wine bottles and spray painting them for center pieces, wrapped twine around others, made a window frame look 'vintage', poured over color combinations.. etc.. it was a labour of love that she really enjoyed.
4. Gifts are a norm for your wedding party. They spend money on their outfits, spend time helping you get stuff organized before the wedding and then setting up the night before. They show up to the rehearsal and the dinner and then they stand up front with you while you get married. I got my guys watches, nothing super fancy I think they were around $150 each on sale. My wife got her brides maids clutches, again I think they were around that $150-200 price range.
The other thing I will add is that for your wedding or any wedding you are involved in there should always be a limo. Asking your wedding party to stay sober and drive you around all day is a slap in the face! They have done enough, buck up and spend the extra thousand on a limo and stock it to the roof with beer, champagne, coolers, whatever they drink and lots of snacks to carry them over from ceremony to supper. It's a long day for everyone.
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How about this, are you married? What did you do for all of the above?
It was a touch tongue in cheek, but that basis remains. However:
1) Gifts depend on how well I know the couple being married. Do I know them really well and know that they need [x]? Personalized gift. Don't know them too well? A cash envelope works nicely, amount to be determined by how well I know the couple in general.
2)Bridesmaids USUALLY pay for their own dresses, because they keep and use them afterwards. Groomsmen generally pay for their own rental. Unless they really want a suit...I've used "going to a wedding" as an excuse to buy a nice new suit that I needed. If the bride and groom want something a little special (the aforementioned wedding in my previous post, they wanted special shoes for everyone in the wedding party) they will tend to cover that themselves.
3)Most of the ladies will do the 'work'. The nature of the friendship/relationship will determine who does what and how. Generally, the ladies do the planning, and the guys make the logistics work. Some Maids of Honor want to be the "personal assistant" type, most don't, having lives of their own to manage. Usually during the day of, one bridesmaid and one groomsman are the "point people", who deal with situations as they arise and need dealing with (the chairs didn't show up on time, the brides dress needs some adjusting, etc) - The two 'point people' usually aren't the Maid of Honor or the Bestman, they are usually busy keeping the bride and groom on the level and don't have the runaround time.
4)Every wedding I've been part of the wedding party of, the bride and groom have given small personalized "thank yous" to the wedding party members. It can be something simple like personalized cuff links or tie clips for the guys. What ladies give to each other, I couldn't tell you, though I'd imagine it's something along the same lines. Something small, not terribly expensive, generally related to the event in some way, and clearly a "thank you" for being part of the ceremony.
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As others have said, it depends. Ask the bride and groom. They can run it however the hell they way. Tradition doesn't matter all the time anymore. It's modern times. Do what you want. Also, these darn events always create drama. If a friendship gets all crap based on these discussions/disagreements, perhaps it wasn't a good friendship at all.
1. I do $75 per head if its not a close friend. $100 a head if it's a direct friend, $150 a head if it's a really close friend. However, if you don't want to "pay more" you can always short change them a little and attach a really nice note and card to USD or foreign currency if it's where they're going to for their honeymoon. (ie: $50 USD per head and pretend you know nothing about FX rates being better). I was fine personally even with $0. Just wanted people to come out and have fun/celebrate with us. Wife hoped for $100 average per head but was ok with low values for friends who weren't well to do. We told guests what we expected up front. No physical gifts, cash if insist. Don't worry about value, just want them as part of celebrations.
2. Depends. I've seen bride and groom subsidies of 0%, 50%, 100% on purchase, rental etc. We did 0%. It was a cheap dress from Le Chateau for like $120. We did gift them other stuff for appreciation though. Grooms men were allowed to wear their own stuff as long as it color coordinated. Some bought stuff, but did so because they wanted an excuse for purchasing items for rotation in a wardrobe. Again, we did gift them other stuff for appreciation.
3. Wedding planners or professional event coordinators hired for a day will reduce stress immensely and be fair to those that did spend their own money and time to be there to celebrate with you. Brides/grooms that use bridal party as slaves for things like wedding card/centre piece making are insane people IMO. It's one thing if the bridal party offers. It's another if groom/bride expect.
4. See point 2. You get bridal party gifts. $50 of nice personalized stuff (NOT CASH) is more than enough. If you don't know them enough to personalize, how did they end up as bridal party?
Misc ramblings of DoubleF:
I. Do not drink too much prior to wedding. If possible, don't drink till after. Difference between relax and scared you'll mess up in front with everyone staring at you. Asians like me also suffer from Asian flush. Doesn't look good in pics.
II. Drink water. Biggest reason many bridal party members faint IIRC.
III. Set someone as event coordinator and that's their entire job. Can be less favorable friend. Bridal party should be with bride and groom and not running around willy nilly. Parents and relatives should be enjoying event, not playing secretary.
IV. Don't over spend. No one remembers anything but the atmosphere. I cheaped out on a few things on my wedding and explained to attendees the reasoning. I did alcoholic punch plus allowed guests to purchase their own drinks for all attendees vs wine much to the chagrin of the venue because it was around 20% the cost of a bottle or two per table. Not one attendee complained, many friends later on even remarked they wish they'd done the same for cost savings but likely wouldn't have due to perceived pressure from attendees/family. I lowered the decor to nice from frilly as fk. I essentially got the most basic option at the wedding venue as possible and splurged only on dessert like adding a gelato bar for guests. Everyone had a great time.
V. Focus on atmosphere. Not things. Mine was intended to be light hearted and fun. People remember that. Some weddings were tense and awkward. People remember that. Some weddings felt forced and fake...
VI. Ignore the details on the day of the wedding. There's a thousand moving parts. Things WILL go wrong. Accept it. If a bride and groom's day is ruined over a $300 muck up on an event worth tens of thousands of dollars... that's stupid. I have a long list of things that screwed up at my wedding. I laughed it off, convinced my wife to do so, and now it's just a funny story. Honestly, we barely noticed the errors. It was just a fun night. Now, if you blow up about these things... that's a bad memory to add to a supposedly great day.
VII. Yes, it's the bride and groom's day, but thinking about enjoyment for guests is important too. Imagine your birthday party where no one is having fun. Failure of a party, right? I don't know why some brides and grooms don't factor the same into understanding a wedding. Would you like to go to a party as a guest and just run things for the party? No. I had guests help, but limited their help to max 1-2 hours. Then they could enjoy the rest of the event. Having guests run around half the event doing stuff and missing out on key moments due to such obligations sucks.
VIII. No one likes crappy favors. Guests often prefer you skip favors instead if it's a crappy item. Yeah that magnet with your face is cool for 3 hours, then it's just a thing most people feel bad for throwing out. Or that wedding bopper/coaster? Yeah... wtf do I do with it at home? Consider optional favors guests can grab on their way out if possible. I skipped physical favors entirely. Saved money on something that no one would appreciate. I took that money and did a professional photo booth/camera session. My thoughts were that if people took time to dress up, professional pics of them in their best would be something they'd like to receive. The silly options were just a bonus.
VIIII. Comfort of bridal party should be considered if possible. I've heard of guys in full suits in 35C weather. I've heard of girls in heels for 5-6 hours. Sucks. I've heard stories about how girls excitedly and happily donned flip flips at the reception after obliterating their feet in heels during the ceremony. Guys that traded in half the monkey suit for matching superhero T-shirts. Funny stories, huge relief during the day and adds to the positive atmosphere.
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These are all great. I also try to remind wedding party folks to EAT SOMETHING between the ceremony and reception. Most wedding parties head out for pictures, so they go from ceremony to pictures to reception and often end up not eating anything for hours...which will make tempers fray pretty fast. Especially if it's hot.
One of the "bride and groom wedding party gifts" my wife and I gave was "The care and feeding of the wedding party" during pictures. We took their specific orders for the day (Cold drinks, special sandwich, etc), and then she and I arranged to have all sorts of treats on hand for them, paid for it all, did all the running around needed so they could focus on the pictures instead of everyone getting hungry, thirsty and crabby. We made sure that there was a TON of cold bottled water around, as it was crazy hot that day, and everyone's all dressed up, making it even worse.
Also, speaking of pictures, always go "largest to smallest". Figure out before hand who you want in what pictures, and start out as large as you can. You want everyone's extended family in a couple shots? Get those shots out of the way first, then send the extended family off. You want all the immediate family in pictures? Do them next, do them all, and then send them off. Wedding party pictures? Do them and send them off. You end up with bride and groom only, with no one feeling left out or waiting around for an hour or two for 1-5 pictures.
Last edited by WhiteTiger; 04-07-2016 at 01:22 PM.
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I also try to remind wedding party folks to EAT SOMETHING between the ceremony and reception. Most wedding parties head out for pictures, so they go from ceremony to pictures to reception and often end up not eating anything for hours...which will make tempers fray pretty fast. Especially if it's hot.
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1) Gifts. I only give cash but the question is how much? G/f and I are attending the wedding of a friend of hers. They are reasonably close but not so close that she's a bridesmaid. I figure we should each give $100 each. Enough to cover our meals plus a little extra.
2) Who pays for what? No one seems to know who is on the hook for things. Do the groomsmen pay for their own suits? What about bridesmaids and their dresses? Tux rentals? Buy suits for keeps? Pay a portion?
3) Who does what? One of my lady friends says that bridesmaids are supposed to do a bunch of work for the wedding. Is that normal? Does the bride normally use the bridesmaids as her personal assistants for 6 months before the wedding? I was a groomsman and I had very few responsibilities. Maybe it is a man/woman thing.
4) More gifts. Is it normal for the bride/groom to buy gifts for the bridesmaids/groomsmen?
Any other general suggestions?
Got married in 2013. Based on my wedding:
1) We preferred physical gifts (instead of cash) as we were actually both moving out for the first time as well. So we didn't have anything. I imagine more established people would like cash more though. $100 seems like a lot... I'd say our average gift value was probably around $50.
2) We rented tuxes and bought dresses, and we paid for it for both parties. Personally, I don't think someone should be on the hook for a bill because you wanted them to participate.
3) A little bit strange, but I, personally, did most of the planning (with my wife involved). She picked her dress and bouquet, but when it came to venue, food, decorations, program... it was all me. But, again, that's a unique case -- I really liked doing it (most guys wouldn't) and she liked me taking charge of it (most women wouldn't). Our best man/bridesmaids didn't get involved much until the day of the wedding.
The party favours is good advice, skip that crap. We did a massive candy bar spread instead and it was all gone by the end of the night. We also did pizza for our mid night lunch that again all got eaten. To many weddings I've seen the cold cuts and buns get thrown out at the end of the night because nobody is craving that when they are drunk.
__________________ "In brightest day, in blackest night / No evil shall escape my sight / Let those who worship evil's might / Beware my power, Green Lantern's light!"
Been married once with another (final) one on the way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cecil Terwilliger
1) Gifts. I only give cash but the question is how much? G/f and I are attending the wedding of a friend of hers. They are reasonably close but not so close that she's a bridesmaid. I figure we should each give $100 each. Enough to cover our meals plus a little extra.
Cash is king. It is exactly what the couple wants and needs. They don't need that fish descaler from William Sonoma or that china set from The Bay. They're just going to return them so they can get the big items they need (couches, beds, furniture, etc.). All those little stupid things effectively just become "gift cards" with the hassle of you having to buy them and them having to return them to get the credit. My rule of thumb is $100 per person for quasi friends and $100 per person plus a thoughtful gift for good friends and family.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cecil Terwilliger
2) Who pays for what? No one seems to know who is on the hook for things. Do the groomsmen pay for their own suits? What about bridesmaids and their dresses? Tux rentals? Buy suits for keeps? Pay a portion?
Been on both sides of this. Most times I've paid. Only once was my clothing requirement supplied (it was a specific tie). In general I think it is very common for the bridesmaids/groomsmen to pay for their own outfits. If you can afford it, then ya it's probably a nice gesture.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cecil Terwilliger
3) Who does what? One of my lady friends says that bridesmaids are supposed to do a bunch of work for the wedding. Is that normal? Does the bride normally use the bridesmaids as her personal assistants for 6 months before the wedding? I was a groomsman and I had very few responsibilities. Maybe it is a man/woman thing.
Definitely a man/woman thing. Only groomsmen/best man responsibilities are plan a badass bachelor party, do whatever they're told to help out with logistics on the day of, and don't lose the rings on the day of. On the ladies side, totally depends on the bride's OCD/controlling/bridezilla tendencies. In general, I'd say its whatever the bride wants and her friends suck it up and get revenge when they get married.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cecil Terwilliger
4) More gifts. Is it normal for the bride/groom to buy gifts for the bridesmaids/groomsmen?
Yes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cecil Terwilliger
Any other general suggestions?
Marriage is like making pancakes. You always burn the first one.
$100 per person or $150 per couple if it's just a random wedding. If it's close friends/close family, give more. Whoever said $50 is cheap and will be branded accordingly when the couple opens your gift.
$100 per person or $150 per couple if it's just a random wedding. If it's close friends/close family, give more. Whoever said $50 is cheap and will be branded accordingly when the couple opens your gift.
If you are going to judge someone as cheap then put in your invitation what your expectation is.
Its a wedding to celebrate getting married. Not a party to get gifts/money.
Location: Close enough to make a beer run during a TV timeout
Exp:
The wedding gift should also reflect a couple of other things:
- what you had to pay to get to the wedding.
- your ability to pay
First one is pretty simple; if somebody just paid $1000 to get themselves to your wedding- a small gift should be all that is needed.
I've heard of people not attending a wedding because they were shamed; like what Vlad said above. When it came down to it, the couple would have rather had the person attend sans gift. I've had many friends in various states of their lives even had to borrow clothes because they couldn't afford a $20 Walmart dress shirt. We got them setup and on their way to their good buddy's wedding. If your friends are judging you solely upon your gift; I'm not sure I'd want them as friends.
When I was young and broke, and working odd jobs- a couple who got me odd jobs invited me to the wedding. I had no money, so I had a great picture of them at their wedding, put it in a frame, and gave it to them. As it turns out, the photographer had royally screwed up a lot of their pictures, and mine ended up being the best pose of the day. The bride was in tears as she hugged me for saving her day.
All that being said, for my best friend who lives in California, I spent good money to get there, paid to rent my own tux (groomsman), and still gave a big wedding present.
Do what is best for you.
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Wedding Etiquette
