Dating as a single dad

[CrazyCaper]

Did some searching and couldn't find anything similar in past posts so thought I'd start a new thread.

As some of you may know, I've been a single dad for 4 years now and have tried the dating scene off and on during that duration. I've dated divorced women with kids, divorced with no kids, single with kids and single without kids. All have failed for one reason or another. I took a hiatus from dating for the last year and wasn't until just after Christmas, decided to sign up for Eharmony. Since signing up, I've gone on a few dates but nothing major until this last girl I met about a month ago. Picture Lizzy Caplan from "The Interview" and she loves the Flames & Stamps!! (in fact she surprised me with Flames tickets and a bottle of rye for Valentine's Day)

She's 32, I'm 38 and she's indicated that she'd eventually want a family of her own someday. She's never been married. No kids either.

Are there any other single dads out there dealing with the social awkwardness of trying to date when you already have a "ready made" family? Anyone have any success stories?

[Dan02]

So what's your thoughts on the having more kids thing? Because if it's a no you're doing both of you a favour by being upfront about it.

[troutman]

Originally Posted by CrazyCaper

As some of you may know, I've been a single dad for 4 years now and have tried the dating scene off and on during that duration. I've dated divorced women with kids, divorced with no kids, single with kids and single without kids.

Timing is the difficulty in this situation. Each person comes into the relationship on different levels usually - ex. time separated, age of children, or no children. Being on the same level is a benefit.

Some people who have not had children assume the new partner won't have enough time for them. You have to work hard to show that person that there is plenty of room for them in your life.

It is interesting to discover how many women age 30-40+ have not had children. You might assume another single parent will understand your challenges better, but this is not always the case.

The stereo-type is that children will always despise the step-parent. This can be avoided if you are sensitive to the needs of the children, and take your time introducing the new spouse. An amicable supportive relationship with the ex will be important too.

At some point there are legal matters to consider - a pre-nup or cohab agreement, and will and estate planning.

[CrazyCaper]

Originally Posted by Dan02

So what's your thoughts on the having more kids thing? Because if it's a no you're doing both of you a favour by being upfront about it.

I've told myself that if I met that ideal woman and she wanted a family, I would want to make her happy. Blended families aren't the easiest thing to deal with but I'm quite certain it could work if all parties involved made the effort.

[skudr248]

Likes the Flames, and Stampeders... Pff there is the golden ticket right there for me, she is a keeper

[killer_carlson]

i'll chime in.

My mom and my step-dad were together for many years before my step dad passed away. He was great to me and even my friends and extended family. When I look back now that i have kids of my own, he treated us well, offered advice when we asked, suggestions when we didn't, and made time for us. But one thing he never did was to discipline us. When we needed it, my mom was the one that did so (and eagerly I may add .... hahaha). But i'll say that it implicitly respected a boundary. And it worked. Really well. He was a great influence in my life and i'll always love him for it.

So those are my comments from a kid who was in that situation who is an adult now.

Good luck and hope it works out.

[DoubleF]

Honestly, she sounds like a cool character to hang out with. Definitely worth considering locking down.

Sorry, I'm not a single dad. Prepping for marriage though.

In all randomness, have you considered having her hang out with your kid then asking your kid about what the kid thinks of the new lady? Don't mince words. Ask direct questions (but only when you're far more comfortable and ready of going next step with date lady). Kids can adapt pretty easily, but the trick is to get the kid to want/need to adapt in a proper way first. Some kids get mad they lose you (because they were the centre of the world of a single parent, then 2nd place. It irks them) and as a result dislike the other parent solely for this reason even if everything else is fine. Easing in might help, and full communication between significant other and existing kids probably is very important.

A lot of family break downs are due to communication and/or finances. I'm thinking not just between spouses, but between kids and parents too.

And... clarify semantics with the date lady. Apparently there are some women out there who want kids and families but don't want to give birth (ie: kids via adoption). Her hinting she wants her own family might not necessarily mean making more kids together, it means she wants to take children under her wing (Odd IRL story of a friend of a friend as bizarre as it sounds). Or it might also potentially mean she wants someone to pop the question quickly (someone I know, possibly me ). You might want to chat and clarify which one rather than assume (but might be a chat to do closer to engagement than right away).


Good luck.

[REDVAN]

I love the subtle brag... congrats on the new girlfriend.

[Calgary14]

Being an accountant, I'll chime in with a couple money points to consider:

- the new income splitting measures introduced by the federal government in October relates to common-law partners as well. So if you move in together eventually you'll be able to take advantage of it. Ideally for income splitting there is a large discrepancy in incomes.
- no idea what her income is but if it will likely affect the amount of taxes you pay due to the non-refundable tax credits. This is assuming of course you're common-law (and then eventually married).
- if there's a large discrepancy in assets you may want to consider a pre-nuptial.

Lots to consider with respect to taxes and estate planning. But of course life isn't all about taxes, congrats on the new relationship and all the best!

[btimbit]

Originally Posted by killer_carlson

i'll chime in.

My mom and my step-dad were together for many years before my step dad passed away. He was great to me and even my friends and extended family. When I look back now that i have kids of my own, he treated us well, offered advice when we asked, suggestions when we didn't, and made time for us. But one thing he never did was to discipline us. When we needed it, my mom was the one that did so (and eagerly I may add .... hahaha). But i'll say that it implicitly respected a boundary. And it worked. Really well. He was a great influence in my life and i'll always love him for it.

So those are my comments from a kid who was in that situation who is an adult now.

Good luck and hope it works out.

How old you were when he and your mom first got together?

This is something I've been struggling with myself as a step father. She thinks it would be best if I basically did everyhing his real dad would (If he wasn't a piece of garbage). Which makes a bit of sense I guess, I do love the kid as much as id live my own (at least I'd like to think, I don't know since I don't have my own.)

But obviously where I struggle is the discipline. She asks for more help with that sometimes whereas I generally cap it at sticking up for her and what she's saying. Stuff like "listen to your mother please." I don't take it into my own hands, and sometimes she'd like me to so she doesn't always have to feel like the bad guy. Her thinking is since he's so young (3) that he doesn't know what it's like for his real dad to be around and it wouldn't be your typical dbag step dad thing to do, but I'm not convinced.

What Does CP think? Sorry if it's a bit of a derail but I thought the info could potentially help the op too.

And congrats on the new girlfriend, she sounds great and I hope it works out. Mines an Oiler's fan so I'm already jealous

[Peanut]

I'm a little leery of the "having more kids just to make someone happy" statement. Maybe you were slightly tongue in cheek but more kids are definitely something to be 100% sure on for yourself. Don't do it for someone else.

I was a divorced mom with kid for awhile (now re-married). Dating is brutal. But I think blending families is pretty do-able as long as everyone is mature and puts a high importance on (all) the kids emotional needs.

That being said my kid was only 2 when her step-dad came into her life. So in a way it's easier because he's just always been in her life as a father figure.

ETA: He's also a Canucks fan. Nobody's perfect.

[Handsome B. Wonderful]

Relevant Onion story

[MikeN]

I was there, split with my crazy ex in 2010, tried the online dating crap, and crap is what it was. Untill I was looking for a new room mate. I met a girl name Tara who was looking for a place.

quick story, she was really good with my son, who was 2 at the time, and next thing I know 5 years later we are married.

So stay strong man, you'll find the right girl.

[Northendzone]

Seems to me that you need to think about wanting more kids and then have a conversation with her - especially if you feel like you are done having kids.

She will need to make a decision then.

[T@T]

Trust me, At 38 get snipped and forget to tell her about it

[CrazyCaper]

Thanks for the input and insight gang. We're definitely not at the point yet of introducing my kids or living together. I was more asking about how people balance the two separate lives at this point without one side feeling left out or neglected.

[OMG!WTF!]

Originally Posted by CrazyCaper

Thanks for the input and insight gang. We're definitely not at the point yet of introducing my kids or living together. I was more asking about how people balance the two separate lives at this point without one side feeling left out or neglected.

You're kind of asking how to have your cake and eat it too. It depends how old your kids are, but one thing is certain, you only get one chance to prove to your kids that they are number 1 in your life. Not 1a.

[FireFly]

Originally Posted by OMG!WTF!

You're kind of asking how to have your cake and eat it too. It depends how old your kids are, but one thing is certain, you only get one chance to prove to your kids that they are number 1 in your life. Not 1a.

Well actually, yourself should be number 1, kids should be second. If you don't take care of yourself, how do you think that affects the kids?

I am married to a man who has a child from a previous relationship however his ex and daughter are in Ontario. We would love to have his daughter with us, but his ex is making it impossible so we skype all the time and have as good of a relationship as is possible from that far away.

I only have a couple suggestions and they are to make sure you don't introduce your children to someone you aren't serious with and to always ask what's best for the children.

I have seen too many single parents go through strings of boyfriends or girlfriends which is much more devastating on the kids than they realize. Children grow up without any sort of understanding of what a relationship should look like and lots of them repeat the cycle. If you aren't sure you want them in your life permanently, why would you introduce them to your children? If you know that you do want that person in your life, then see how they treat your children.

[OMG!WTF!]

Originally Posted by FireFly

Well actually, yourself should be number 1, kids should be second. If you don't take care of yourself, how do you think that affects the kids?

I really can't imagine anyone with kids actually thinks that way. The implication in parenting is that you've given up your number 1 card. But I guess if you have a way to explain to your kid that you are not going to spend time with them because you need to be happy and the only way to do that is to spend time with a cute chick/guy instead, then go for it. But I'm pretty sure the implication there is that "my dad doesn't like spending time with me".

[Drury18]

Originally Posted by btimbit

How old you were when he and your mom first got together?

This is something I've been struggling with myself as a step father. She thinks it would be best if I basically did everyhing his real dad would (If he wasn't a piece of garbage). Which makes a bit of sense I guess, I do love the kid as much as id live my own (at least I'd like to think, I don't know since I don't have my own.)

But obviously where I struggle is the discipline. She asks for more help with that sometimes whereas I generally cap it at sticking up for her and what she's saying. Stuff like "listen to your mother please." I don't take it into my own hands, and sometimes she'd like me to so she doesn't always have to feel like the bad guy. Her thinking is since he's so young (3) that he doesn't know what it's like for his real dad to be around and it wouldn't be your typical dbag step dad thing to do, but I'm not convinced.

What Does CP think? Sorry if it's a bit of a derail but I thought the info could potentially help the op too.

And congrats on the new girlfriend, she sounds great and I hope it works out. Mines an Oiler's fan so I'm already jealous

If the mother of your stepson is asking for help on discipline, she wants it. This isn't a trap, a trick, anything like that. She's asking for help with her child and any good mother would already take into consideration the best interests of the child when asking for outside help.

Children need a female and male role model and it sounds like she would like you to step into the male role model position. It sounds like the actual father isn't able to (or has chosen not to) and so you aren't coming in to a situation where there is one that exists and you are pushing your way to the top. That's where I would see the "d-bag step dad" thing playing in. If the father was around, responsible and a good father and you or her were doing this because of a personal issue between the two adults with nothing to do with the child, that's wrong. Or if you were doing it to become Dad over the existing Dad because you don't want your ex to have something to do with him. What you are explaining, doesn't sound like that at all, it sounds like you would be giving this child a proper male role model in his life and helping him, not hurting him.

I 100% agree with her thinking, at 3 and the actual father being absent, he doesn't know what it's like to have the real father around and depending on how long you have been in his life, you might be seen by the child as Dad because that's what he can remember. While it's great you help back up what the mother says, it does sound like the relationship with the mother and situation is appropriate for you to act like the Dad now.