Loneliness

[kn]

I hesitate to post this article for fear the internet warriors will come out in force but I don't care. It explores the looming loneliness crisis despite out increasingly "connected" world.

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/...3187/?page=all

Unfortunately, I can relate to everyone in that article. My evenings and weekends consist of trying to kill time to get back to work. Work is all I have and sometimes I get up only because I'm contractually obliged.

Never married, no friends besides "work friends" and like the article states, saying "go out and make friends" is like telling an asthmatic to go climb Mount Everest. I've joined various groups/events and feel like a zombie seeing all these people interacting and having "fun". Sadly, the only distraction is hockey and even then, sometimes watching the Flames religiously feels pointless. But most of the time it helps me "forget" for three or four hours.

My biggest fear is dying alone and not being discovered until the smell. Unlike the woman in the article, it wouldn't take three years for me to be discovered because I'm sure someone would come to find out why the bills/taxes weren't paid or why that "loyal, dedicated employee" didn't show up for work.

[fatso]

Interesting article. I'm not surprised much of the research was done in Vancouver. It is a notoriously difficult city in which to meet people outside of work or school. Plus the rainy weather can enhance the feelings of loneliness and isolation. At least that has been my experience.

I am sorry to hear you feel so alone. I don't know that you're asking for advice, but I'd say a couple things.

One, do you enjoy your job? Given you're a hard worker, if you don't it may be draining your ability to enjoy other aspects of your life just because it takes so much energy to be there.

Two, it's ok to spend time alone. I think the key is to do things you want to do and not just try to kill time. This is hard, particularly if work is draining you. But don't be shy about exploring your interests on your own. If you like music, try practicing an instrument. If you like sports, maybe jogging is your thing. Basically, I'm suggesting you could try finding what make you happy - find your hobbies - so you enjoy being alone. From there, you can perhaps try branching out and meeting other people. At the least, you won't dread your time alone as much.

[T@T]

There are so many social groups available now days loneliness shouldn't even be a word in a big city. hell, for a kick even try a dating site.

Maybe your loneliness is really depression? if that's the case go see a doc, it's amazing what professional help can do for a person.

[jayswin]

Originally Posted by T@T

There are so many social groups available now days loneliness shouldn't even be a word in a big city. hell, for a kick even try a dating site.

Maybe your loneliness is really depression? if that's the case go see a doc, it's amazing what professional help can do for a person.

[T@T]

Originally Posted by flameswin

Yes really. explain please.

[CaramonLS]

Making friends (actual friends, not acquaintances) is harder than finding a partner in my opinion. Dating sites at the very least can connect people who have common interests (i.e. not dieing alone) whereas things like social clubs or meet up groups are hard to forge friendships because you generally don't have very much in common with them.

Most of my friends that I've made post high school have been because we've shared common interests such as a hobby or taken an interesting course together at a post-sec institution or through my fiancee.

Dunno man, my advice would be to keep trying. If you're an average looking dude, you should be able to find someone to settle down with.

[CaptainCrunch]

Learn to hate people, it makes the loneliness go away.

[malcolmk14]

This may not work at your workplace but here's what I did.

In September I started at a new workplace. A lot of the people there were quite friendly but I didn't really feel like I fit in. It felt superficial, like most work "friendships". They were welcoming, we went out for drinks after work once or twice, but I wanted to feel more comfortable and see if I could turn some of these work friends into real friends that I could talk to and hang out with outside of the workplace.

At Christmas, I went and bought some cards. I filled them out with a little message like "Thank you for being welcoming and inviting, I appreciate your friendship." - Things like that. Put them on their desks one morning with a small box of chocolates.

Since then, I've felt like our conversations are more meaningful at work, people stop by to chat with me more and invite me out places on the weekends. I've asked a couple of work friends who I have some things in common with to come over for dinner, or sometimes just to go out for a bite and a drink after work.

Offer to pick up coffee for a few people one morning. Show them signs that you're interested in a more meaningful connection with them. Other suggestions here are right - if you've got a hobby try asking if anyone else has that hobby and see if they want to go do that thing together.

A few years ago I had a work friend who at the time I considered just that, invite me over for Thanksgiving dinner. He was relentless in getting me out to do things and asking me to hang out, and today I'm thankful because he has been one of my closest friends for over 6 years now. I was in his wedding party and he'll be in mine. Really made me realize that sometimes making friends isn't easy, and in the end it might not be worth it 9/10 times, but that time it works out and you make a good friend, totally worth it.

[fatso]

Originally Posted by T@T

Yes really. explain please.

you know, I hate to be that guy, but if you read the article you might have found a couple explanations why your theory is wrong.

For example...

“Social isolation just may be the greatest environmental hazard of city living,” writes Vancouver-based author Charles Montgomery in his new book, Happy City: Transforming Our Lives Through Urban Design. “Worse than noise, pollution, or even crowding.” And the way we’ve built cities – suburbs with no central meeting place, prioritizing the car and the condo tower, passing restrictive zoning bylaws – has made the problem worse, he says in an interview. “If we’re concerned about happiness, then social disconnection in Canadian cities is an acute problem.”

or perhaps...

We are, indeed, but why? Chronic loneliness has roots that are both internal and external, a combination of genes and social circumstance, but something is making it worse. Blame the garage-door opener, which keeps neighbours from seeing each other at the end of the day, or our fetish for roads over parks, or the bright forest of condo towers that bloom on our city’s skylines.

Or blame an increasingly self-absorbed society, as John Cacioppo does. Prof. Cacioppo, the leading authority on the health effects of loneliness, is director of the University of Chicago’s Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience. “One of the things we’ve seen is a movement away from a concern for others,” he says in a phone interview. “Economics basically says you should be concerned about your own short-term interests. There’s more division in society, more segmentation; there’s less identity with a national or global persona, but rather on the family or the individual. People aren’t as loyal to their employers, and employers are certainly not as loyal to their workers.”

[fatso]

To follow-up on macolmk14's post, I think we need to learn it's ok not to be friends with people.

I know I've wasted a lot of time trying to be friends with people I didn't really like because we worked together or were in school together. Those kinds of relationships paradoxically make you feel more alone. I think that time would have been better spent either alone or strengthening the friendships/relationships with people I truly do value.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the numbers of friends (i.e. the social media phenomenon) we forget that true value is really how a friend makes us feel. One or two truly close friendships superficially aren't a lot but they are more rewarding than many acquaintances.

[AcGold]

Originally Posted by T@T

There are so many social groups available now days loneliness shouldn't even be a word in a big city. hell, for a kick even try a dating site.

Maybe your loneliness is really depression? if that's the case go see a doc, it's amazing what professional help can do for a person.

It can be incredibly difficult to make friends past university. A lot of people and social groups are exclusive, judgmental and don't want to make new friends. I moved back to Calgary 5 years ago, lost my girlfriend when she went to Australia, lost my best friend when he went to Poland for University and moved here with pretty much no friends.

I joined 7 social groups, outdoor meetups, trying out bars, etc. It was insanely hard to make friends, so many people just are not open to new relationships and if you're on your own it can be near impossible to form new relationships even if you have fantastic social skills. Saying go out and make friends might actually be impossible in some scenarios.

[HelloHockeyFans]

Social media has the effect of making people feel even more lonely when they look and see people out there having "great lives" and a lot of fun, but the thing to realize is that people present themselves and their life in the best way possible and in reality, their lives really aren't as "fun" as they make it. In fact, many who share the most on social media are likely doing it to make themselves feel better.

It's harder and harder to make strong connections to people as you grow older, that's just the way it is unfortunately. That's why family is so important.

[Deegee]

I've never felt so lonely in my life before.

Wife and I are now separated and the weekends without my son are brutal (like this one).

The rest of the time I am volunteering to kill some time which is itself rewarding, but overall it's not a great life right now because at the end of the day I come home and am still alone. I feel like the only people I know were either my wife's friends or are coworkers. All my coworkers are all females and are married so asking to do something with them seems awkward.

Learning how to live alone again sucks.

[SeeGeeWhy]

Great article, thanks for posting kn.

You said you're afriad to die alone, but that is something that we will all do. Death is a personal journey, only you will get to experience your death. You'll without a doubt do it alone. Why fear that?

Homestly I feel your pain. It takes a lot of energy and effort to maintain relationships of any kind. If we don't get as much or more back from what we put in, we stop making the effort. I sometimes wonder if this is why religious congregations formed - just a reason to be with other people like yourself.

Sometimes being alone is necessary, it's not a bad thing. People make awful decisions and concessions in the name of "not being alone", but I also get how sometimes it can be too much. When I get lonely and worry about being a bad friend, or unknown and u generous in my community or to my neighbours, I worry that if I ever got really sick or in trouble, that there wouldn't be anyone around to help me out. We are vulnerable on our own, for sure... But is it possible to ever really be rid of that? I find arguing with reality leads to a lot of frustration, anxiety and I always lose. If reality is that we are vulnerable, I accept that, and being alone from time to time bothers me less as a result.

Very little feels better than being part of a tribe and feeling connected. Equally euphoric is feeling that you're living a life of purpose. Some people find their purpose in the company of others, but I believe these two needs are discrete and deserve investment of time and energy on their own.

Fatso's post is great. We aren't all meant to be friends or even acquaintances... Do you really need those sorts of relationships to receive the benefts of being authentically connected? Are you connected with yourself? I think it begins there. That's why being alone is so important, it gives you the gift of knowing yourself. From there, it makes it easier to identify groups or individuals where connection is even possible for you.

Rambling over

[MrMastodonFarm]

Originally Posted by Deegee

I've never felt so lonely in my life before.

Wife and I are now separated and the weekends without my son are brutal (like this one).

The rest of the time I am volunteering to kill some time which is itself rewarding, but overall it's not a great life right now because at the end of the day I come home and am still alone. I feel like the only people I know were either my wife's friends or are coworkers. All my coworkers are all females and are married so asking to do something with them seems awkward.

Learning how to live alone again sucks.

Couldn't help but notice you live in Didsbury. Have you tried moving to a be city? A noted professor of psychology wrote a brief piece recently on the positive effect of big city living has on loneliness. Hold on, I'll find a link.

You're welcome.

[Dorkmaster]

I just graduated from university last year, moved to a new city for full time work and broke up with my girlfriend of four years. I was stuck studying for professional exams and working full time in a city away from family and friends. The worst thing was coming home after work and having nothing to do. Looking at facebook and internet dating was awful because there's so much out there and I didn't ever feel like I was a part of it.

Tried going to various events on meetup.com for a several months and found some people that I meshed well with and others where I felt awkward and lonely. After going to events regularly, I found a group of friends now where we play boardgames and try new types of foods together. I've never had a group of friends like this where we can have good laughs and good company. I also started taking some classes for interest now so it also keeps me occupied and gives me more chances to meet new people.

More than anything though I had to work out my problems mentally in my head before I started to feel happiness again. The turning points were when I spent time on the internet reading articles about psychology, loneliness and meeting friends.

Set goals and try to find things that you love to do. Don't get too down on yourself if you find yourself in a situation where you feel awkward and lonely. Move on and look for people that suit you. When you find people you enjoy being with, make an effort to spend time together.

Best of luck to every lonely person out there. Hope you guys find some happiness in your lives.

[kn]

Thanks for responses. I'm fairly introverted and lack confidence in social situations. I've tried various groups on meetup.com but it's hard to make friends beyond the activity itself. I'll interact, talk, be polite, but I think my guard is up. Of course, in the moment, I never see it and wonder why I can never connect with anyone.

All I can think of is the phrase "coffee is for closers". I've never been able to close anything. I don't think I'm asking too much to have someone to grab a coffee or catch a Flames/NFL game once in a while.

Dating while lonely with no friends? I'm sure that's really attractive and my body language probably betrays me immediately.

I heard the morning crew on the Fan960 make fun of "life coaches" but maybe that's something to look into? Not sure...

[tvp2003]

I wonder if the whole introvert/extrovert spectrum has any application here. It may not eliminate feelings of loneliness, but it may help you better understand who you are and how you're "wired"? Might be worth checking out: http://forum.calgarypuck.com/showthread.php?t=136688

Originally Posted by Deegee

The rest of the time I am volunteering to kill some time which is itself rewarding, but overall it's not a great life right now because at the end of the day I come home and am still alone. I feel like the only people I know were either my wife's friends or are coworkers. All my coworkers are all females and are married so asking to do something with them seems awkward.

I was going to suggest volunteering, formally or informally. Whenever I feel "in a rut" I find a way to serve someone else and it almost always makes me feel a little better afterwards. Plus, if it is done in a group setting, being engaged with likeminded socially responsible people tends to be a bit of a pick-me-up without having to "invest" time and energy into making friends like in other settings.

[jayswin]

Originally Posted by kn

I hesitate to post this article for fear the internet warriors will come out in force but I don't care. It explores the looming loneliness crisis despite out increasingly "connected" world.

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/...3187/?page=all

Unfortunately, I can relate to everyone in that article. My evenings and weekends consist of trying to kill time to get back to work. Work is all I have and sometimes I get up only because I'm contractually obliged.

Never married, no friends besides "work friends" and like the article states, saying "go out and make friends" is like telling an asthmatic to go climb Mount Everest. I've joined various groups/events and feel like a zombie seeing all these people interacting and having "fun". Sadly, the only distraction is hockey and even then, sometimes watching the Flames religiously feels pointless. But most of the time it helps me "forget" for three or four hours.

My biggest fear is dying alone and not being discovered until the smell. Unlike the woman in the article, it wouldn't take three years for me to be discovered because I'm sure someone would come to find out why the bills/taxes weren't paid or why that "loyal, dedicated employee" didn't show up for work.

For me it was really bad depression that basically led to the same thing. Instead of no friends it was "duck out of everything until no friends bother anymore".

Had health issues that eventually led to no more hockey (could play now, but I've been out for too long) at the same time as developing bad depression.

It was a bad cycle I guess; Friends call - too depressed to go out - friends stop calling - more depression - friends try some more - too depressed to go out. Eventually they stop trying and rightfully so, as the answer is always "yeah, I'll think about it" followed by nothing.

So I'm basically in the same position; Just work, go home, go to work etc. It sucks, but there's no other options in this state, so I just work hard and try to keep my head up.

[Bagor]

Have you considered getting a dog? Seriously.

Not only will it provide another presence in your residence, it will give you an excuse to get out of the house and introduce you to a whole new network of people.