Self-made Billionaire, Artie Herbert Walter Asif was found as a newborn baby on the steps of the “Sixth Chance Home Orphanage” in Bangkok, Thailand on November 11, 1961. Displaying exceptional early motor skills Artie could escape any and all methods of child restraint including the notorious Vietnam cage of war, this lead to his unfortunate nickname. With the ability of self freedom Artie was a lonely drifter by the age of 5.
Artie spent most of his early life living out of train boxcars across Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam. It was on one train ride that Artie met his mentor Les Bean. Les was a con-man and go-cart stunt driver, Les took a shine to Artie and together they hustled their way to a small fortune in counterfeit lady-boy underwear vending machines.
With over $29,850,000.00 Vietnam dollars (approx. $1,400 US) Artie completed his dream of sailing a 1973 Hotpoint refrigerator through the Panama Canal eventually beaching at Hillsboro Beach Florida. While working as an oral bidet cleaner Artie partnered up with a lonely housewife named Julia Caesar. Shortly after their meeting Julia’s husband Roman (a multibillionaire in the horse pubic hair shampooing business) died in a Soap Box derby hit-and-run accident. Artie married Julia 2 weeks later in a private ceremony held in a local tanning salon.
With the estate & insurance money Julian and Artie completed one of the greatest atrocities in sports history, they brought a 2nd hockey team to the state of Florida. With no interest from anyone with any hockey knowledge whatsoever to run the organization Artie has served as team GM for years (there was some other bum doing the job badly for a few years but no one remembers her name).
Stay tuned for the next Biography: Cheese – proof that not all cheese gets better with age.
CPHL Biography #21 - Caged Great
