Lending money to a friend.

[Deviaant]

What is your take on helping a friend out?

I have a friend (my best friend actually) and she has fallen on some rough times. She has 4 kids and her bf is in my words a deadbeat, he is lazy and very unmotivated to do anything to improve the situation. I am doing renovations and have offered work for cash on numerous occasions. He has refused every offer.

My bffs mom is very well off and what I cant figure out is why my friends mom wont help her daughter out. When I asked my friend she gets a bit defensive and upset. I know my friend of under a lot of stress right now, so much in fact she is on medical stress leave from work. Her bf is not working a steady job so they live very lean.

I can afford to help them out the money is not really a concern to me however what I dont want to happen is to lose a dear friendship.

I have asked how much she needs but she only says whatever you can afford. To me it sounds like she needs a fair chunk of change but I also know her and speaking about money is an uncomfortable topic.

To prevent losing a friendship what I was considering was just buying a bunch of groceries for them and maybe slipping her $500. $500 is an amount id be ok with never seeing again. I feel if I lent her more and she had issues paying me back id be a bit upset and I am just not prepared to lose my best friend over some money.

The only thing that really makes me question things is why wont her mom help her out. I will say I do know her mother and she is pretty self centred and nasty so her refusal to help her daughter is not really a shock to me.

Any ideas/advice?

[Cowperson]

Mom won't help daughter out because she doesn't want to help deadbeat boyfriend out. No doubt she's bending daughters ear to get rid of the bum.

When daughter gets rid of the lead balloon, money will flow in from mom.

By helping your friend out, you might be just perpetuating a bad situation.

Doesn't mean you shouldn't do it but I'm surprised you can't figure out why mom isn't helping.

Daughter has to get rid of the parasite. Life would probably look up for her after that.

My two uninformed cents.

Cowperson

[Northendzone]

Ugh, I always wonder for these moms if it really is better to be with someone than be alone......

I guess if you are ready to lose $500 then do that .

[Wood]

I agree with Cowperson, she needs to help herself out and ditch the guy

That's my completely uninvolved random Internet person opinion, I'm sure you know what you want to do here

[Jacks]

Lending money to a friend usually ends up badly. If you want to help her out just give her the money and tell her paying it back is optional. Don't expect to see the money again and you won't be disappointed.

[GGG]

Dont lend any money.

If you are going to do something give the money freely without any expectation of getting it back. Even if she intends to pay it back but cant right away it will change your relationship

If you are giving cash are you sure the boyfriend wont just spend it? The groceries idea is a good one.

[CaramonLS]

I agree with Cow, but if you insist on helping out, provide the groceries, but no cash.

[Deviaant]

Yeah maybe that is the right way to approact it. Maybe just "gift" her the money. I do know the need is there so I am more than happy to help out, I know she would help me out had the need ever came up. However I guess the possibility is there that he could spend the money on non essential things. I dont think that would be the case and frankly I dont believe he would even know my friend asked for a bit of help.

If a friend of yours asked you for a little help how much info about his/her situation would you want before you would do it. Assuming its an amount of money you would be comfortable with lending (giving?)

[Regular_John]

Just my two cents, it's not a "loan", it's a gift, which is fine. It's your money and you're free to do with it as you please.

But, what's going to happen the next time she's hard up for cash? What if 2/3/6 months down the road it's the same situation and she's bending your ear again. Not in a manipulative way, but just a "hey we're hurting and you really stepped up before" and it becomes awkward if you say "no"

If it were me I wouldn't lend/gift any cash, but I might pick up a grocery tab if you know it'll help. Just say "I know you need some help right now, so let me get you some groceries, no strings attached". If you're comfortable "gifting" a week's groceries every few months that's fair enough, and I think it avoids the slippery slope of "the car just broke, we're behind on our bills, etc etc" Or "Well you gave me money before, why not for this?"

I know you just want to help you friend, but you need to be mindful that you don't just become an enabler & end up in an ongoing situation where there's hurt feelings over why you "lent/gave" money once, but not this month.

[You Need a Thneed]

I'll echo others here, it's never good to lend money to family or friends. Give without expecting to be repaid.

Lending often leads to damaging of relationships, giving leads to strengthening of relationships.

[Handsome B. Wonderful]

Never "lend" anyone money unless you expect to never see it again.
Never "lend" a friend money unless you expect to both never see it again and see it wasted.

[Cowperson]

Originally Posted by Deviaant

Yeah maybe that is the right way to approact it. Maybe just "gift" her the money. I do know the need is there so I am more than happy to help out, I know she would help me out had the need ever came up. However I guess the possibility is there that he could spend the money on non essential things. I dont think that would be the case and frankly I dont believe he would even know my friend asked for a bit of help.

If a friend of yours asked you for a little help how much info about his/her situation would you want before you would do it. Assuming its an amount of money you would be comfortable with lending (giving?)

Gift her the money with the advice to use it as a down payment on a new apartment and tell her if she does that you'll help her out for a few months with rent.

See, you already know the info. Thats your curse. If you're not going to like the answers, don't ask the questions.

Generally, always be careful about lending money to a friend. It does change things. Friends get rid of friends they owe money to. You make them uncomfortable.

Cowperson

[Vulcan]

Lending money to a girl with a deadbeat boyfriend, not a chance unless my brain was warped by love.

[CaramonLS]

Yeah I don't want to pry Deviaant, but if you're a guy, this situation is pretty weird.

[Deviaant]

Nope were just good friends is all. We did date for a while but we turned out to be better friends. Im not the sinister best friend who secretly wants to date her guy.

[Handsome B. Wonderful]

Originally Posted by Deviaant

Nope were just good friends is all. We did date for a while but we turned out to be better friends. Im not the sinister best friend who secretly wants to date her guy.

That does not rule out her trying to take advantage of you.

[MrMastodonFarm]

Originally Posted by Deviaant

Nope were just good friends is all. We did date for a while but we turned out to be better friends. Im not the sinister best friend who secretly wants to date her guy.

I wouldn't want to date her guy either, seems like a dead beat.

[Deviaant]

Originally Posted by MrMastodonFarm

I wouldn't want to date her guy either, seems like a dead beat.

Kinda walked into that one eh lol

[puffnstuff]

A bigger help might be seeing if you can find a way to help deadbeat boyfriend get a job.

[blankall]

Are the kids his?

Also, is she receiving child support from the biological fathers? A lot single women don't pursue this as they think it will be a lot trouble, but it's a very easy process.

From the sounds of it, she should qualify for some kind of legal aid. If she is worried about the biological father(s) coming back into her life, this might not be a worry either. [In BC anyway, get a lawyer to check the law in Alberta before making any applications] If the father's have been out of the children's lives for long enough, they have no legal right to wedge their way in. Regardless of how long they have abandoned the kids, they always have an obligation to pay.

As for lending the money, what is wrong with this guy? If the issue was money for groceries (IE not a huge sum), I'd go to one of those day labour places long before I let my girlfriend's ex provide charity.