A friend that's dying.

[schteve_d]

I guess I can consider myself very lucky to have reached the mid-thirties and have so little experience with death!

My roommate and good friend for a number of years was diagnosed yesterday with pancreatic cancer. The prognosis is not good and he was told that he has a few months to live so not to waste them on procedures that can't and won't help.

He's only 44 years old!

He is on his way back up to Fort McMurray from Edmonton today and I already feel kind of nervous and uncomfortable.

What do you say? How do you treat him? I talked to him on the phone yesterday and he sounded upbeat but I am guessing that is more denial than strength.

Any experiences, stories and/or advice appreciated.

[Dion]

I lost a cousin to the same cancer a few summers ago. Just be a good friend like you've always been. Let him talk about his cancer if he wants to. Most of all be supportive and be there for him when he needs it.

So sorry to hear about your friend. I effing hate cancer!

[Yeah_Baby]

Just be there for him. If he wants to talk, listen. If he wants to just hang out and not talk about it. Just be there for him.

[Mean Mr. Mustard]

In all honesty there are a few things that I have learned about communicating with people who are in a palliative care setting, the first is don't be uncomfortable around them, it makes everything worse. Just be yourself, talk to them, make jokes (not about the cancer of course) but don't treat someone different because they are dying. I know that this may sound dark but people will open up more if they are comfortable.

If you are really concerned about how to talk to someone with cancer - there are resources that you can access.

http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/...af&rid=1074214

In Calgary should be able to help.

[Pinner]

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[puckluck]

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[FlamesAddiction]

That's harsh. Sorry to hear about that.

I would tell him that whatever he needs, you're there to help him and then try to go on with things as normally as possible.

Was he sick for a long time before he got checked out?

[pepper24]

Sorry to hear about your friend. Cancer sucks.

[MickMcGeough]

I think Mustard's right. My Uncle was close to death for awhile and we had a conversation about this. He said that everyone that came to see him in the hospital was constantly doting on him and trying to say all the right things all the time; they weren't being themselves. All it did was keep his imminent death in the forefront of his mind all day. It just made him feel like he was just playing out the stretch and going through the motions.

Weirdly enough, he looked forward to visits from his ex-wife's brother more than anyone else. He'd come in and just shoot the #### about the Blue Bombers, talk about some dumb #### he did while drinking, and basically act like one of the people in the conversation didn't have tubes sticking out of him and a ticking time bomb in his chest. My Uncle said it was pretty much the only time he felt like he was still really alive.

[CedarMeter]

Just be yourself, that's all he"ll want...My father passed away from leukemia a few years ago, he was so positive through the whole ordeal..The one thing he did say to me was it really made him feel uncomfortable when people started crying when they came to vist him..So try to keep smiling and stay positive for him.

[moncton golden flames]

Originally Posted by schteve_d

I guess I can consider myself very lucky to have reached the mid-thirties and have so little experience with death!

My roommate and good friend for a number of years was diagnosed yesterday with pancreatic cancer. The prognosis is not good and he was told that he has a few months to live so not to waste them on procedures that can't and won't help.

He's only 44 years old!

He is on his way back up to Fort McMurray from Edmonton today and I already feel kind of nervous and uncomfortable.

What do you say? How do you treat him? I talked to him on the phone yesterday and he sounded upbeat but I am guessing that is more denial than strength.

Any experiences, stories and/or advice appreciated.

whatever you do, don't treat him differently.

a good friend of my brother was diagnosed as bipolar. most of his friends would look or talk to him differently. because of that, he didn't keep in touch with most of them. my brother however, treated him no differently than before his diagnosis, if anything, he might have been harder on him. to this day, he always thanks for brother for treating him as normal.

just continue being a friend and there to listen when he wants to talk.

[Pinner]

I agree, just be yourself. His friends and family probably need the most support.

I've lost a Mom, a stepmother, 2 step brothers, a first cousin 4 grandparents and my Dad and his current wife both have cancer...I don't know if there's any good advice, again just be yourself.

I've been surrounded by death all my life and it's never easy, I've grown very cold when it comes to death, were all dying, that's life.

My Mom died when I was a kid, I still remember me and my little sister standing on chairs in the hospital showing Mom what we were going to wear to her funeral.

[Josh]

Yep, act normal, he already knows he's dying and doesn't need to be constantly reminded of it.

[4X4]

I think the way I'd handle it with one of my good friends would be to more or less immediately talk about it (face to face), and then ask him if he'd prefer that I pretend that nothing is wrong, unless he wants to talk about it. I'm fairly sure that that is how I'd hope to be treated by my friends, so I suppose that's how I'd treat one of them.

I guess the only thing that you'd really have to try to avoid would be talking about things that he'll likely not be around to see. Like Iginla hoisting the Cup next June, or the badass vacation you're planning for next winter.

[Methanolic]

All good (-#5) advise. My small contribution to this would be to read your friends mood at any given moment. If he's feeling down, let him feel that way. lightening the mood in baby steps is ok but don't try "snap him out of it" by telling a joke etc. Listening is the key in my experience.

[afc wimbledon]

You'll get in the room, it will be awkward for a while, he'll tell you whats happening, you'll comisserate ask if there's anything you can do etc, after that it will likely start to get 'normal'.

You're his friend, so don't worry, there arn't any rules about these things, even pinners 'hookers and blow' comment might be right.

[Resolute 14]

Originally Posted by puckluck

Wow, some of your posts lack class. This is one of them.

I dunno. If his friend decides "Eff it. I'm gonna go out partying", and they go have a big blowout in Vegas, that post might be quite apt.

As to the OP's question, I'm sad to say I have been through this more than twice, and I still don't have any great advice. But for you personally, be prepared for it to be real tough as he approaches the end. It's not easy to look on someone who's been ravaged by cancer, especially if you've never watched someone else die of the disease before.

[MelBridgeman]

They told my friends father who was diagnosed with the same cancer that he only had a few months to live as well, that was a year ago. Went for treatment, tumor shunk and he is looking better and better each day.

Don't give up, as hard as it is...positive thinking

[MoneyGuy]

I have someone close to me going through this and this will be very hard. You can expect that some of his friends will abandon him, not because they don't care but because they'll feel uncomfortable around him and won't know what to say and do. When your friend shows up, hug him and always be there for him. Always!

Originally Posted by Resolute 14

I dunno. If his friend decides "Eff it. I'm gonna go out partying", and they go have a big blowout in Vegas, that post might be quite apt.

Nope, even if the friend is a party guy, saying something like that shows a lack of class and sensitivity.

[Pinner]

Originally Posted by MoneyGuy

Nope, even if the friend is a party guy, saying something like that shows a lack of class and sensitivity.

And whatever you do, don't tell him, whats good for him.