How to help someone who is codependant?

[Trojan97]

Hi All. Seeing as how it wouldn't be a normal week in the OT forum without a "girl problem" thread, I figured I'd bite and see what the collective wisdom of CP has to say about the topic of codependency.

Background:
My ex-gf grew up in a disfunctional home with an EXTREMELY guilt tripping father. He's the type to look at her 90% report card and say "well 90% is good but 95% would be even better" or if she didn't complete a chore to his statisfaction, he would guilt her about how disapointed he was in her that she didn't do it properly. The mom on the other hand was the polar opposite, very liberal and enabling, she would do the daughters chores for her rather then bother asking. As you can imagine there were plenty of arguments between the parents, something my ex obviously hated being so young. Anyways, suffice to say, her parents split up before she reached her teens which led to her being shuttled between the two parents. Despite the split, the dad has never paid child support and would always make my ex promises to make up for it and then never follow through. She grew up a very sad little girl who couldn't trust her daddy.

After talking to friends of hers I found out that she has been in relationships almost non-stop since the day she turned 16. When one fails, she would immediately rush out and find someone new.

When she moved to Calgary, we quickly hit it off. After a few dates it was obvious to see how much chemistry we had together and how happy we were together. We began dating soon after.

Fast forward:
My ex and I broke off a two year relationship in January after a stressful couple of months that led to me suggesting that it would be for the better if we took some time apart as the petty arguments were becoming much too frequent for my liking.

I am 22 & she she recently turned 20. Throughout the two years of being together we went through a ton. My dad passed away unexpectedly, we traveled to Thailand together, we took lots of trips to Montreal, Vancouver, Toronto etc. There was rarely a dull moment for us. We were a very compatible couple, we could do anything together and we would have a blast as we were completely comfortable with one another, always entertaining one another with stupid jokes etc. etc.

I found out in late February that she has started dating someone new. I got a call this weekend from her at 4:00am screaming and in tears that she needed me to pick her up on 17th because her new guy had kicked her out of his place after she had heard some suspicious voicemails on his phone and accused him of lying to her (yadda yadda yadda is all I'm hearing, hard to feel sorry for someone who rushes into relationships with sketchy characters like this) but I was obviously terrified that something might happen to her alone on 17th at that time so I rushed to pick her up. I found out that she is planning on staying with the new guy despite the events of the weekend. In my opinion, she's doing this to try and somehow prove that she can have a "healthy" relationship with someone else besides me, since I was the only sane (for the most part) relationship she's ever had.

Anyways, It is obvious that she needs help. Her codependency on males is hindering her from achieving her vast potential and it scares me that she might end up trapped in this vicious cycle and end up falling through the cracks. I still absolutely love her regardless of whether we're a couple or not and it kills me to see her settling for random guys who want one thing from her. Unfortunately, she is too immature to see these people for who they are and when I try and bring it up casually with her, she rebuffs me and acts like I'm only saying it because I can't deal with her being with other guys. I honestly thought being with a stabilizing presence like myself for 2 yrs would change her. But it appears she is right back to where she was before we dated.

I don't know whether this is something that only she can deal with or whether there is something I may be able to do to help her out. Alot of people have walked out on her in her life and let her down and I care too much to do that to her. But at the same time, she makes it very difficult for anyone to reach out and help her because of her stubbornness.

Anyways, if anyone made it to the end of this novel, does anyone have experience dealing with a codependant person? any stories, advice or suggestions on how I can potentially go about helping her would be appreciated.

I know it sounds like she's a mess but she is smart, beautiful and has a great heart. It's just the decisions she makes sometimes completely screw her over. It's heartbreaking to watch.

Thanks!

[J pold]

Well first off you can stop her from being co-dependent on you

When she calls you asking for her help just refuse it, I know its hard when you think she might be in trouble but in that example you used you could have told her to grab a cab as there are tons on 17th ave any hour of the night

I know it’s hard to go through a break up but the reality is she is your ex

You don’t owe a thing to her, especially when she has a another guy in her life, seems to me that you have become the “nice guy” that she calls when she needs help but she will probably end up back in the arms of another abusive guy no matter what you say or do

Try taking all the energy and time you spend worrying about her and her problems and spend it on yourself, its pretty obvious you are still shaken up form the break up which is totally normal

You can’t go around solving everyone’s problem even if you have feelings for them

It seems that she had moved on, now it’s your turn

[icecube]

No need to read any further than Jpolds advice. Read this very carefully. WAKE UP! SNAP OUT OF IT! Don't be a p u s s y !

Dont take that the wrong way. I'm giving you this advice because I care. She is your ex. Get her out of your life and move on. If you give her help she will rake you over the coals, whether she may care about you or not. You'll be the loser giving her loving support while she's out banging other dudes when you aren't around. Trust me bra. Change your phone number and most importantly dont listen to any one elses noble socially conditioned hollywood happy ending advice. This is the real world man.

[Incinerator]

What J pold said...simply put, you're suffering from the very common, yet very difficult to cure "Captain Save-a-Ho" syndrome...and to add:

If you really feel like you have to do something, call up her closest friends and read your original post to them, let them deal with it. It's no longer your problem, it should not be your problem, and only bad things can come out of it if you make it your problem.

[Flashpoint]

You're broken up. It's no longer your problem.

The best thing you can do is move on as quickly and cleanly as possible. You "loving her" does neither of you any good, and will prevent you from having successful relationships.

Although it clearly isn't stopping her from trying with other guys.

Nice of you to be her fall back position though. Just in case things don't work out with her new guy, you can be her second choice! Yay!

[MelBridgeman]

yup trust me man....get out now..been there done that, the end result isnt never how you want it. move on

[CaptainCrunch]

[burn_this_city]

Let her crash and burn.. Its the only way they learn..

[RougeUnderoos]

Isn't this kind of drama par-for-the-course when you are 19/20?

When I hear words like "codependent" I think of Dr. Phil.

[Sainters7]

Have to agree with all the responses in this thread. I know its hard, I dated a girl before who had a similar history. I just felt bad for her, she's a very nice person who deserves someone good, but makes horrible choices. Even thinking about it now, the thought of her currently with some deadbeet taking advantage of her right now, which honestly wouldnt surprise me(I have no contact with her so I have no idea if this is the case) makes me sick, and feel very bad for her.

But really, what can you do? As you mentioned before, she's stubborn and won't listen. Nor will she ever. You can care and feel bad for them and hope for the best for their future, but at the end of the day its really up to them. Getting/staying involved is only going to not only hurt you, but affect future relationships for yourself with others. Seriously man, you just gotta move on and let her make her own choices, unfortunately.

[Incinerator]

I think this is as unianimous as a CP decision ever was on any issue lol

[flylock shox]

I think you should get back together with her.

[burn_this_city]

Originally Posted by RougeUnderoos

Isn't this kind of drama par-for-the-course when you are 19/20?

When I hear words like "codependent" I think of Dr. Phil.

Yep.. Chicks are typically stupid until the age of 23-25..

[automaton 3]

Good advice in this thread so far.

I've been there, done that and my advice mirror's everyone else's - get out and don't look back. You can't help her and continuing to associate with her will only cause you heartache, stress and perhaps a visit from her sketchy new boyfriend and his friends...move on and sever all ties.

Good luck man, I know its easier said than done if you still really care for her. Just my 2 bits...

[Table 5]

I think you should pay her rent and buy her gifts, but let her sleep with other dudes.

[habernac]

gotta agree with the majority here.

run.
like.
hell.

[MelBridgeman]

Originally Posted by Table 5

I think you should pay her rent and buy her gifts, but let her sleep with other dudes.

[CaptainCrunch]

Set her up with the Captain, I'll break that codependancy nastiness. Hell, I inspired Alanis to write a whole album about how much she hated men.

[Bring_Back_Shantz]

Okay, not be be a dick, but it seems to me that you broke up with her and now regret that decision.

Every time I hear a story even remotely like this, there is always the part about, "she deserves someone better", which usually means "She deserves me".

She's obviously got some problems, and she is coming back to you for help because she knows she can.
She's moved on, you on the other hand are experiencing some "Seller's Remourse".
Maybe it's time for some tough love where you tell her to call a cab, and maybe you should help her out when she calls you at 4:00 AM, but don't do it because you're still hung up on her, you broke up with her so that ship has probably passed.

If you do help her thinking you'll be able to get her back, you're just letting her use you, because chances are you'll submit to just about any unreasonable request and she'll still be able to go off with Johnny Not-so-nice.

But if you help her because she is a friend who need help, you can be objective about it and when she calls for a ride at 4 AM and then goes back to the guy, you can tell her she's being ######ed, and next time she can call a cab (ie, tell her to help herself).

[flylock shox]

Originally Posted by Bring_Back_Shantz

If you do help her thinking you'll be able to get her back, you're just letting her use you, because chances are you'll submit to just about any unreasonable request and she'll still be able to go off with Johnny Not-so-nice.

In fact, there's a viable argument that when you let her use you, you're really just letting Johnny Not-so-nice use you too. Nothing sexy bout that.