The Joke Thread

[Jayems]

I figured I need some new jokes to tell, and need a good laugh every now and again. So i'll start it off.

Deilvery : When being the drunk guy, you have to slur your speech, act like an Irishman, you know.


So this guy is loaded at a bar and looks troubled.

"Whats up pal?" The bartender asks him.
"Well, I'm in a heap of trouble... my wife told me not to get drunk tonight... and as you can see, im looooaaded... and i've puked all over my shirt"

"Ah! No sweat mate" The barman begins.. " here is what you do."

"Go to the bank machine, take out $20 and put it in your shirt pocket. Now, when you get home, you tell your wife that it was the funniest thing... You happened to be walking past the pub on your way home and some drunk puked on your shirt. He gave you $20 for the trouble and to get it cleaned".

"asshhh... that a great idea!" the drunk replies.

So the drunk goes home, and sure enough the wife is PI$$ED OFF. She beings to yell at him, and he inturrupts her and tells her the story of how a drunk puked on his shirt and gave him $20.

"What? There is $40 here!" The wife exclaims!

"Oh yeah.. he $hit in my pants too!"

[KootenayFlamesFan]

NM

OOpppssssss!! Thought I was in the hockey forum.

Continue........

[Jayems]

Originally Posted by KootenayFlamesFan

OOpppssssss!! Thought I was in the hockey forum.

Continue........

For some reason, i thought i posted it there by accident...

[flizzenflozz]

First down!

[MagicallyAdept]

The 7 dwarves are in the hot tub feeling Happy.

So happy got up and left,

Now they are feeling Grumpy.

Crap joke i think but i just heard it on the radio.

The last funny jokes i heard were the Steve Irwin ones, but are the too much in bad taste around here?

[Cheese]

For those with teen daughters...or those who are about to have teen daughters...

Dad's Dating Rules!


Rule One
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five
In order for us to get to know each other; we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
·Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
·Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
·Places where there is darkness.
·Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
·Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.
·Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.
·Hockey games are okay.
·Old folk's homes are better.

Rule Nine
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, and then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[Cheese]

warning...may be in poor taste to some...

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in , Rock Springs, WYOMING while awaiting their respective flights.
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Rock Springs for a livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at W W C C from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The WYOMING cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl,

"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

[ken0042]

Why would the cowboy be in the airport lounge waiting for a flight if he is already there?