Marriage Finances

[Mike Oxlong]

Here's a question for all of you out there who are married, were married, are getting married or just want to share their opinion on the subject.

My fiance and I will be married in less than two months. We basically agree on pretty much everything to do with life after the wedding except for one thing......How to handle the finances.

I am of the opinion that we have one account that we both contribute to that pays the mortgage, bills, food etc.. and then we keep our seperate accounts seperate. That way I have my spending money and she has hers. I don't want to have to justify why I spent $500 on a new driver or lost $100 playing poker .... She is of the opinion that once we are married what's mine is hers and what's hers in mine. Everything is lumped into one account and completely shared.

I want to hear from you guys and girls as to what you do and the pro's and con's of each option. What has worked, what hasn't and why?

[REDVAN]

I've had this discussion with my girlfriend. We've agreed it's best to have one account for bills and so-on, and then another account for spending money. That way you can buy what you want without getting in trouble.

The downfall of lumping it all together (the other idea) is accountability- you have to tell each other about everything you spend money on. My parents do the method your fiance has suggested... and I think it isn't the best idea. Especially when one parent is free-spending and the other is a penny-pincher. This method works only if you have the exact same spending habits and ideas.

[Mike Oxlong]

Originally Posted by fotze

Le me guess, you make more money than her?

LOL..yep.

However in that case I would obviously put in more money towards the joint costs like mortgage, bills etc... That way it helps to make up for the difference in earnings.

[Reaper]

Originally Posted by Mike Oxlong

My fiance and I will be married in less than two months. We basically agree on pretty much everything to do with life after the wedding except for one thing......How to handle the finances.

Don't worry, eventually you'll just get tired of arguing about it and do things the way she wants to. Trust me, marriage is all about picking your battles. Would rather be right or would you rather be happy? These words will become especially relevant once you get married.

As far as accounts go, I would have a common account that all your money goes into and then have seperate accounts for your pocket money. Finances don't work in marriage if either party holds earning power over each other's heads. All the money is "our money" and then you pay each of you an equal "allowance" for walking around money. You should always confer with each other for big purchases.

[Cube Inmate]

I vote for Mike's and Redvan's solutions...that's what my fiance and I have agreed to do. She's free to spend on shoes, and I'm free to spend on beer.

[Frank the Tank]

One account for everything. Tried it both ways and separate stuff is a nightmare.

[MolsonInBothHands]

My wife and I are coming up on our 15th anniversary.

Shortly after we got married, we consolidated everything into one joint checking account, and it has been like that ever since. The advantages for me over the years has been diverse.

She was the bread winner through my years of university, so I could never complain about what she has contributed.

My wife is fully self employed, while I do a little consulting on the side. This allows for a little grey area and flexibility when preparing statements of income at tax time.

... and finally, she is a book keeper, and keeps the finances in order, with very little stress on my part. I usually don't even know when I get paid, I just take out my weekly spending money, and that's that.

As for the cons, you have pretty much defined it. If there is a difference in priorities, I usually end up losing the battle. There have been times where I would horde my spare loonies and toonies, saving for a "WANT". We have friends, who we just had this very discussion with the other night. She wants to consolidate, while he likes things separate. He also makes WAY more than she does. I started looking around their place, great stereo system, HDTV projector, custom bar, lots of geeky/tech toys, no wonder he likes things separate.

I think the answer is in the middle somewhere. Have the joint account that everything goes into initially. Pay the bills, take care of the "NEEDS", and then give each other an equal amount of allowance to spend, save, gamble, invest as you see fit.

[Cheese]

Fotze and Tank are right. If you are planning to be one...then all should be one...not?
Why would you try hiding something? We have friends who do the other thing with seperate accounts. They always bitch about cash.

[V]

We have a joint account. I make the money, she takes the money out. We were very open before marriage about what we wanted our finances to look like, what our 5 yr, 10 yr, 25 yr goals were financially, and we've more or less stuck to them. We make changes to the master plan as we see fit, but it's always a joint discussion. That is what marriage is supposed to be about, I've heard.

I don't know, everytime I see people with separate finances, especially with one person being entitled to spend far more than the other, it just looks greedy on the major breadwinner's part. Make it all even and everyone's happy, at least in my little world.

Like fotze, it makes me feel good knowing that I'm the "Provider". I don't want my wife to work if she doesn't want to, and I'd much rather she stayed at home with the kid(s).

[fredr123]

My wife and I have been married for almost three years. We've had a single joint checking account throughout our short marraige. She's worked pretty much full-time since the wedding and I have just now finished University. She was the bread winner for quite a while but I will soon match her and then some.

Our system has worked pretty well. We consult with each other for any major purchases. I'm a bit of a penny-pincher but splurge on little crap like coffee at work. Any time I do want to spend money on something I feel like I have to justify the purchase and show why it's not a stupid use of our money. It's prevented me from buying a lot of dumb electronic crap over the years. I've had less toys but our finances have been better for it.

Our way works because I'm shamed into saving and don't make much now. Things might change once I start working. If you do decide to have separate accounts, I would highly recommend Reaper's joint account with allowance system. It seems pretty fair and keeps the high wage earner from lording over the spouse.

[Mike Oxlong]

Don't get me wrong. I don't want to hold the fact that I make more over her head, and I don't want to have unequal spending money for each of us.

I want it to be a fair arrangement but we both have our own spending money to spend on whatever we want. I just don't like the idea of having to get all of my purchases approved or scrutinized. I made the money I want to be able to spend it. Same for her. I want her to be able to spend the money she works hard for how she wants to.

Now once we have kids it is a different story. Hopefully she will stay home and I will be the sole provider. In that case things will change.

[V]

You and I have different philosophies, Mike. I don't need stuff to make me happy. I make money so that my wife can buy what our family needs. I would say that on average I spend about 5 dollars per week on myself. Every 3 months or so I'll buy something nice for the house or a tool so that I can do something nice on the house. The rest of it goes to my wife.

[Eagle Eye]

I couldn't imagine having seperate accounts. Niether my wife or I go on spending sprees, and while I do make more money I wouldn't have it any other way.

What happens when your wife becomes pregnant or decides to stay home with the kids? Where does her spending money come from, when she isnt getting paid to do the most important job?

[Eagle Eye]

I agree with Dom, I don't need to buy things regularily, I infact dont buy or spend to much on myself outside of clothes. I dont have any bad habits (smoking, etc) nor do I drink, gamble etc.

I like buying things that suit us both, furniture for the house etc.

[GrrlGoalie33]

If you do want to have your own account, and an allowance, I would recommend that the allowance should be the same for both parties.

We use a joint account for everything, and it has worked perfectly for us for 4 years now. And much like Fredr123, it has stopped me from making a ton of useless electronics purchases. Ok, I don't see them as useless, but she does!

[Bend it like Bourgeois]

Hiding a disagreement on spending through bank accounts does not make the issue go away. If you drop $500 on a driver and your wife is feeling like crap about spending $50 on shoes, you're screwed, no matter what the bank accounts say.

Worse, it encourages leading seperate lives, which in my humble opinion is a relationship killer.

Since you asked for advice - get one account if only to disabuse yourself of the notion that your spending money is seperate. Agree on limits up front if you're worried that you might get grief. I know a couple that doesn't allow more than $100 on a purchase without a conversation. I'm not sure I like that rule. My wife and I started with $500 a month each for spending money - no questions asked. Kinda the reverse Reaper. If that was $200 on lunches and a $300 driver, so be it. But if I wanted a $450 driver I had to figure out a way to spend $50 on lunches or expect to get permission/grief.

[nfotiu]

My wife is terrible with money. We both make about the same amount. We started out with seperate accounts without much thought, but the problem was she'd just spend all her money on the first day of every pay period, and I'd be left paying all the bills, and paying for the groceries, and paying for the $400 shoes she just had to have, and she'd spent all her money. Then it started getting me into debt.

So, I took over and combined all our money, and figured out what we had left after all our bills, kept an extra thousand/month for debt paydown/savings/budget overages, took out some for gas/groceries, put in any planned house projects, and figured out what was left, and said she has 2/3s and I have 1/3(because girls spend more, I guess. And she buys more stuff for the house with hers). Neither of us are accountable to each other for what we buy with our portion.

It was tough getting her to buy in for a while. My wife is sneaky. She'd open store credit cards when she was out of her money, etc. After about a year, I think she's finally bought into the system!

[GreenTeaFrapp]

My wife and I have separate accounts and it has never been an issue for us in the 5+ years we've been married. I think it helps that our incomes have been fairly similiar over the years. We more or less split the bills down the middle. If there's a substantial purchase, i.e. something like a video game system or more expensive, we'll discuss it before we buy it. And if our money situation is getting a little out of whack, one will pay a mortgage payment for the other.

Another thing that helps is that we don't make a lot of spur of the moment purchases. I tend to research everything I buy, except for clothes and groceries.

I just couldn't imagine a joint account. I'd never be able to keep track of what was coming out and when or what her purchases have been lately.

[Mike Oxlong]

Originally Posted by Eagle Eye

I agree with Dom, I don't need to buy things regularily, I infact dont buy or spend to much on myself outside of clothes. I dont have any bad habits (smoking, etc) nor do I drink, gamble etc.

I like buying things that suit us both, furniture for the house etc.

What happens if you want to buy tickets to a Flames game or go play a round of golf with your friends? Do you simply take it out of the joint account? Do you need permission or do you have the flexibility to make those decisions?

I wouldn't say I "need" things to make me happy. I want to make both of us happy but we don't always share the same interests. If I want to golf or go to a hockey game that isn't always something she wants to do, meanwhile she might want to go for drinks with her friends or spend money on something I have no interest in. If it makes her happy great. She should have the freedom to do those things as well.

Both sides of the argument have very valid points. We are just trying to figure out a system that works best.

And as for when we have a kid....obviously I am going to be the sole provider so I will make sure everyone is well provided for. I am not going to tell her she has no spending money because she has been at home for the last few months not working.

[return to the red]

you know oxlong, I'm gettin hitched in a few as well and this is something that lingers over my head...not because of the amounts of money that we make but MY spending habits. I like the casino every now and then and I'll admit that I spend money on some very stupid sh*t!

I'm looking forward to a joint account to keep me inline. We have already decided on an allowance each month for our own fun (like 150 each) and then all the rest goes into a joint account for bills, house stuff, groceries, etc.

Good thread by the way