2025-2026 Blue Jackets update

[BagoPucks]

The Columbus Blue Jackets CPHL Roster: A Roster So Hot It’ll Make Nationwide Arena Melt



Phillip Danault (32, C): The human equivalent of plain toast — reliable, but nobody’s ever craving it. Danault’s idea of “lighting it up” is turning on a nightlight.

Cody Glass (26, C): Glass is shattered confidence wrapped in a “maybe someday” package. He’s got all the moves, just not all the goals — like a mime stuck in a goal-scoring rut.

Barrett Hayton (25, C): The eternal “work in progress.” If patience is a virtue, fans watching Hayton are basically saints… or gluttons for punishment.

Connor McMichael (24, C): Skates like he’s late for brunch. McMichael’s highlight reel would be impressive if only anyone could catch him before he forgets what he’s doing on the ice.

Mason McTavish (22, C): Has enough talent to light a small city… on fire. But sometimes he’s more “accidental arsonist” than “controlled blaze.”

Michael Rasmussen (26, C): Rasmussen’s best hockey skill? Perfecting the art of disappearing in the third period. If you blink, you’ll miss him — and so will the puck.

Lars Eller (36, LW): The grandpa of the group, Eller’s got more mileage than your old lawn mower and probably sounds like a broken record reminding everyone, “Back in my day…”

Marcus Foligno (33, LW): Foligno’s hockey résumé mostly reads “fights first, asks questions never.” He’s the guy you call when you want a puck to the face… by accident.

Jake Neighbours (23, LW): The most polite player on the ice — so polite, he apologizes for losing the puck. Neighbours is hockey’s version of a friendly but utterly useless neighbor.

Gustav Nyquist (35, LW, on waivers): Currently playing “Where’s Waldo” on the waiver wire. Nyquist’s career is like that forgotten sweater at the back of your closet — a little rough but with sentimental value.

Cole Smith (29, LW): A player so anonymous, the puck forgets he’s there half the time. Smith’s hockey highlight? Not making waves or headlines — a true master of invisibility.

Michael McCarron (30, RW): Big guy, small impact. McCarron’s main contribution is looking intimidating while sipping water on the bench.

Simon Benoit (26, D): The human wall… if the wall had a few holes and occasionally let the puck through. Benoit’s defense is like Swiss cheese — more holes than substance.

Zach Bogosian (34, D): The guy who’s been around so long he probably invented the slapshot… or at least remembers when it was cool.

Vincent Desharnais (29, D): His name sounds fancy, but on ice he’s more “meh-shar-nice.” Desharnais is the kind of guy you’d hire to fill a seat rather than change the game.

Derek Forbort (33, D): Forbort’s specialty? Being everywhere and nowhere at once. He’s hockey’s version of “Where’s Waldo” but with fewer fans interested in finding him.

Joe Hanley (34, D): The defenseman with a name that sounds like a sitcom dad — probably the guy making dad jokes in the locker room and wondering why no one laughs.

Mattias Samuelsson (25, D): Big and burly but sometimes about as graceful as a hippo on ice. Samuelsson’s skating style: “Hold my coffee, I’m about to crash.”

Jonas Siegenthaler (28, D): The invisible man of defense. You only notice him when he’s not there, which might explain why opponents sometimes don’t either.

Parker Wotherspoon (27, D): His name sounds like a wizard’s spell but plays like a first-year magic student who forgot the incantation.

Adin Hill (29, G): The goalie who’s either your best friend or your worst nightmare — all depends on what kind of day he woke up on. Fans refer to him as “The Mood Swing.”

Elvis Merzlikins (31, G): Named like a rock star, plays like a roller coaster. One moment, he’s a brick wall; the next, he’s giving up goals like he’s handing out flyers.

Final Thoughts:
The Columbus Blue Jackets roster looks like a garage sale of hockey careers: some items are vintage classics, others are dusty relics, and a few are “grab it quick before someone else does” specials. If rebuilding is the plan, the first step is probably a team meeting to remind everyone that the goal isn’t just decoration behind the goalie.

In the meantime, fans can enjoy the show — mostly because it’s so unpredictable, it might be a comedy instead of hockey.

[MJK]

The Columbus Blue Jackets CPHL roster looks like it was assembled in a dimly lit garage using expired scouting reports and a Ouija board. Center depth? More like a support group for unfulfilled potential — Danault is toast without butter, Glass is confidence in pieces, and Hayton’s development is on a leisurely stroll through molasses. Their wings flap but don’t fly — Foligno fights ghosts, Neighbours plays like one, and Nyquist is already halfway to retirement in spirit (and likely in Florida). The defense core is a tribute to defensive lapses: Bogosian remembers when skates had buckles, Forbort’s best move is changing lines, and Wotherspoon sounds magical but plays like he’s under a curse. In net, Adin Hill flips between elite and existential crisis, while Elvis continues to leave the building — and the crease — at the worst possible moments. It’s a team that inspires fear — not in opponents, but in their own fanbase.