Help - friend with depression / suicide (?)

[Phanuthier]

Ok so some of you know this, but I was hoping to get a broader range of opinions before I do something on this.

Background: A friend of mine ("P") through university (fellow masters student) goes AWOL the past 3-4 weeks. For a while, I thought he just went on vacation or was really busy or something, so when he didn't reply to my messages or emails, I thought nothing of it. Then, I get a call from one of my friends / fellow co-worker of P and his workplace is wondering where P is since P's been AWOL for 2 weeks. P sort of considers me his best friend.

Description of "P" : mid-late 30's, not religious, born/raised in the USA, Caucasian, a coarse away from finishing a masters, has a job, passive type-B, a little socially inept, bit of a nerd, single, not that many friends. He's afraid of confrontation and arguments, and if you push him hard, he'll go into a shelter.

I talked to his family today over the phone (his family lives in a town 2 hrs from San Jose) and they were apprehensive in talking about it too much so I think they were holding some info back, but basically, something happened, P drove from California to Alabama and back to Cali (in a short period of time, like 2 days - this is east-west across the USA) .... stayed with his parents for a short period of time (hours, maybe a night) and has dissapeared for a week and nobody has seen him since. He isn't returning calls, including his family. I left my number with his family and said to contact me if I can help in any way.

I just found his address (temporary address, besides his parents address in that town 2 hrs away)... should I go visit him, or will that push him into a shell farther? Or am I overstepping my bounds here, and his family would have told me to do something if I should have?

(serious replies here please, obviously)

[Russic]

Oh man that's pretty scary. I don't think you would push him further into a whole, but then again each situation is unique and you don't know what triggered this episode. Can you confirm he'll even be at the other address?

Good luck man.

[Phanuthier]

Originally Posted by Russic

Oh man that's pretty scary. I don't think you would push him further into a whole, but then again each situation is unique and you don't know what triggered this episode. Can you confirm he'll even be at the other address?

Good luck man.

Thanks. Nope, I can't confirm he's going to be at the temporary (SJ) address. I found it mid-way through a chat log, I don't even know if thats the exact address or if it takes me to a apartment complex or whatever.

The thing holding me back is that his family didn't seem to be going out of the way to go knock his P's door and be with him at his temporary address. They were also vague and careful with their words, and when I left my phone number with them and said to contact me if I could help in any way, they seemed to be a little "ya whatever" like they didn't think I could help, or they would be throwing away my phone number after I hung up... which is why I'm wondering if I'm overstepping my bounds by getting involved.

[flylock shox]

My completely unprofessional and unqualified opinion is that you should go to visit him. If you cannot reach him at home, I would suggest contacting his parents one more time to see if they've heard anything, and to discuss the possibility of reporting him missing or having the police make inquiries as to his whereabouts.

As far as pushing him into a shell goes, I think that, if he does consider you his best friend, he will welcome or at least tolerate your efforts to help him. At the very least, if you do contact him you'll have a better idea of what you're up against, and what you can do to help. I don't think it's of any benefit to leave him to his own devices. Depression is typically a downward spiral - he won't be able to pull himself out of it alone, and the longer he's left alone the more danger he may be in.

Check in with his family again regarding your intention to take further action, but realize you have as much right to be concerned about him as they do, and don't be afraid to take steps on your own if you feel they are warranted and your friend's safety may depend on them.

[bigtmac19]

As a parent, if that was my son/daughter, I would welcome help from whatever source, so I find his parent's attitude a little troubling. Therefore, if I were you, I would push them a little, make it more clear that you are worried about him doing harm to himself and that you think he needs help. Maybe they don't want to face the seriousness of the problem and need a push to do so.

I think you should go yourself as well.

[transplant99]

The drive across country has to mean something quite significant IMO. My guess a love interest there has his attention and likely where he will be found. If he is in that "nerd" class of people, they often will be ones that go overboard when someone catches their attention and would explain why he has, more or less, left his life behind.

It sounds as if (just guessing) that the family knows this information about what's going on in Alabama, and is holding out to see what comes of it.

that being said it can never hurt to hear from someone close when/if things are bumpy, so I wouldn;t hesitate to make the drive to try and find him...and in the course of doing so you may find out more information on him from whomever you do discover there. Dont be afraid to ask neighbors etc about recent behaviour/sightings as it may clear up some of the missing elements in your question.

Good luck though and hope all ends well.

[worth]

How about trying to push the parents a little more before driving out there? Call them back and describe your intentions to go and look for him at this address because f your concern and you can not just sit back and wait. Maybe that will force them to tell you the situation, and with more information, you can make a better informed decision about what to do.

That being said, i'm reminded of something I read in a book called "One Bullet Away: The Making of a Marine Officer": In the Military, you rarely have all the information. Even as a platoon commander as someone who leads troops. Waiting for all the information to come in before acting can sometimes be a bad thing. You need to act on what you feel is right with the information you have. In your situation, you don't have all the information, but you need to make a decision. Failing to act, or waiting it out may not lead to the ideal situation. You are close to the person, and in my mind, you should act on this situation.

Good luck to you.

[Suzles]

Trying to see/speak to him certainly can't hurt. If he is is a downward depression spiral he most probably feels that no-one really cares about him, he's a failure, the world wouldn't miss him, he is wasting oxygen, etc. So someone just 'being there' is important for him to recover. If he has a cell phone leave messages just to say that if there is anything you can do you will, that you care for him as a friend, that he is a good person or just catch him up with some chat/gossip. Don't try and analyse him yourself or start telling him what to do. It is the cliche of psychologists that they ask questions that make the person answer and solve their own problems/concerns - but that is what they actually do. I hope you can be there for your friend. All the best.

[Cowperson]

We have some experience with a relative with depression/bi-polar issues.

Disappearing (literally as well) and reappearing from a black hole of depression, triggered by something innocuous, is their normal.

Our experience is that leaving them alone to re-emerge is sometimes the best course of action.

In our case, this person was functional for about 40 years of life but then something triggered a decade of homelessness to the point where the person remains effectively unemployable, unable to complete the simplest of tasks even as they are functional in everything else. This person reacts adversely to pressure of any kind. After a decade of living in various shelters/under overpasses, this person finally asked family for help after rejecting any overture before. The recovery from the depths has been gradual. We secured a doctor for them which was step one. I bought a cheap house and put this person in it, better than having them living under an overpass. As recovery began, they accumulated a dog and two cats which have served as an anchor . . . . they probably won't run away to their former life of homelessness and leave them, as dark as it might get in their head. This person may go weeks without answering the phone when the days are bad, including right now. My wife may have to go out and find out where they are next week as a matter of fact. Doctor-prescribed drugs are of some use in initial stabilization but don't seem to do much over the longer haul.

It can be best to leave them alone, believe it or not. Finding them and pressuring them to reveal what's wrong may do the opposite of your intention.

Yet, as with our case, eventually you do have to find them. Not to judge them, but to ensure they're safe.

Your friend is in his mid-30's and has been functional to this point, yet strange things are starting to happen. The description in your story sounded somewhat familiar. Our own experience is that previous "normalcy" may not be an indicator of what the future might bring. Sometimes the demons win.

Just be careful what you do and say when/if you find your friend.

Cowperson

[joe_mullen]

Based on what you describe, one would have to wonder about a psychotic episode. Especially in light of his age, personality type and sudden change in behaviour. Unfortunately, I see this quite frequently in my line of work. I think it would be reasonable to try to locate him and see if you can provide any help as it sounds like he may benefit from a medical assessment. However, I would also be very careful in how you do this and make sure to look out for your personal safety. That being said, this may be something completely benign but there are definitely some worrisome signs.

[COGENT]

There are obviously some issues with your friend that he needs to work out. I've seen this happen to a few people (more in their early 20's mind you) where they have to "find themselves". I can't say for sure that this is the issue here but if it is, my experience shows that these people come out of this situation better than wen they went in.

Regardless, I think you have been truly genuine friend up to this point and that may be what he needs. I would say do what you can to be there for him, go see if he's OK.

[Cowboy89]

Not an expert in these matters in any way but . . . .

If something were to happen to your friend and you did nothing and just deferred to the family to help him out then how would you feel?

Of course there is so much information you do not know and in a situation similar to what Cowperson described you might not even be able to help. However you do not know any of that, if it were my friend I would try to locate him. You never know what his situation is like until you see him or hear from him. At least then if there's nothing further you can do to help you can at least feel a little better knowing you did all you could for your friend.

[InstantDeath]

I tend to agree with the sentiment of ‘how would you feel if you were too shy/worried to talk to him, and he did something to himself?’
I would do everything I could to talk to him and let him know you are there to help, etc…

that said, I would DEFINITELY seek professional advice on how to approach him and handle the situation. I honestly have no experience, so I couldn’t say – but there are plenty of great resources to help on the web….

Try this link

[arloiginla]

It all depends if the person wants to be found or not. Did he make absolutely no hints as to the fact that he was leaving, and all that?

I've suffered from some bi-polar effects before and I know in some cases (much milder, I never actually left town) I wanted to be left alone to sort things out in my mind, while other times I would withdraw but would deep down, want to be found so someone could help me through it.

Given the family's reaction, maybe he does't want to be found? Yet they know where he is, so maybe he does?

Sorry for not being a help, I think though to narrow it down that's the question you need to try and figure out.

[FlamingLonghorn]

Any history of substance abuse or could he be an alcoholic? I know a lot of my "nerd" gamer friends have started drinking heavily now they are in their late 20's early 30's and still alone (and no not all nerd gamers are alone, but probably a bigger ratio than social people). The only reason I bring this up is maybe he hasn't disappeared but is in rehab and that's why the parents aren't revealing info.

[Phanuthier]

Thanks for all the replies. Cowperson's story is one that is holding me back right now, something from P's parents replies have me thinking that I should stand aside - its the "if they are sitting on the sidelines waiting for something to happen... so should I" ... or their reply of the tone, they wanted others as far separated from the situation as possible.

Events leading up to this ... well, close to finishing a masters degree and so far as I can tell, this is his first real perspective as a "full time job" - is he scared about this big transition in his life? Other things I can think of, the last time I talked to him was Dec 24 2009 and the last thing we talked about was Christmas, and I was asking if he was going home to his parents for Christmas, and he said he wasn't sure if he would or if he would go to his brothers (another city) or if he would just stay in San Jose, alone. The mysterious trip to Alabama: I know he had a lengthy relationship with a girl in Austin, TX a few years ago, but hasn't been in a relationship since.

Originally Posted by Sowa

Any history of substance abuse or could he be an alcoholic? I know a lot of my "nerd" gamer friends have started drinking heavily now they are in their late 20's early 30's and still alone (and no not all nerd gamers are alone, but probably a bigger ratio than social people). The only reason I bring this up is maybe he hasn't disappeared but is in rehab and that's why the parents aren't revealing info.

True, I do know he legally has marijuana, medicinal purposes. I've gone out for a beer with him a couple times and he's a drinking lightweight (1-2 beers, for a 6-3, 200 lbs guy). Rehab certainly would make sense.

[bigtmac19]

Originally Posted by Phanuthier

Thanks for all the replies. Cowperson's story is one that is holding me back right now, something from P's parents replies have me thinking that I should stand aside - its the "if they are sitting on the sidelines waiting for something to happen... so should I" ... or their reply of the tone, they wanted others as far separated from the situation as possible.

Events leading up to this ... well, close to finishing a masters degree and so far as I can tell, this is his first real perspective as a "full time job" - is he scared about this big transition in his life? Other things I can think of, the last time I talked to him was Dec 24 2009 and the last thing we talked about was Christmas, and I was asking if he was going home to his parents for Christmas, and he said he wasn't sure if he would or if he would go to his brothers (another city) or if he would just stay in San Jose, alone. The mysterious trip to Alabama: I know he had a lengthy relationship with a girl in Austin, TX a few years ago, but hasn't been in a relationship since.


True, I do know he legally has marijuana, medicinal purposes. I've gone out for a beer with him a couple times and he's a drinking lightweight (1-2 beers, for a 6-3, 200 lbs guy). Rehab certainly would make sense.

Maybe, but if they know you are a friend, why wouldn't they have tried to reassure you that they have a handle on the situation and are taking care of it, instead of being so vague. Privacy issues aside, they still could have let you know that he is being looked after.

[FlamesAddiction]

I'd visit him and see if maybe he'll get some stuff off his mind. The worst thing you can do to someone who might be suicidal is let them sit there and have there thoughts get carried away.

[Phanuthier]

Originally Posted by bigtmac19

Maybe, but if they know you are a friend, why wouldn't they have tried to reassure you that they have a handle on the situation and are taking care of it, instead of being so vague. Privacy issues aside, they still could have let you know that he is being looked after.

Yeah, I really would have liked to know, but his parents is sort of a hard ass, and not one to be sympathetic of this stuff... which makes me wonder if its one of those "emotions? finding yourself? what a waste of time. go sweep the floor or pump gas while you go find yourself, at least you're doing something" sort of parents... I've had one friend who's had parents like that, when he went into psychotic episodes and he has some sort of permanent brain damage or chemical imbalance or something like that.

Right now, I have 2 ideas, and I'm not sure which to do yet. (1) to have one of my friends call his parents in a few days and ask the same questions I do, except ask for an address to see if they're actually want P to have visitors or not, now that they've had time to think that there is a friend out there to help, or (2) show up to his door one of these nights just to see if he wants to hang out, but pretend nothing is wrong and I'm just there to hang out - as to not force the situation. If I'm doing (2), I should be getting to do something about it pretty soon here, since I am against the clock if its a bad situation.

[flamesfever]

You may consider phoning the Canadian Mental Health Association in Calgary. You could explain your situation to them, and perhaps they could refer you to someone with the expertise and experience in matters of this type who could offer you some guidance.