help what do i do?

[OilersBaby]

Man I need to vent......so here goes.

Rant #1:
Im throwing my best friends baby shower and she is being SO demanding. Everything from her choosing the menu to her saying my centerpieces arent good enough to her telling me what to get for favors. She is one of my best friends and I know she's emotional cuz she's pregnant, but how do I tell her (without her freaking out at me) that she's being too demanding! I swear, she is expecting a baby shower that is fancier than most people's weddings. She emails me all the time to give me her suggestions.....she's usually an AMAZING friend..just her expectations are so high and with work, school, my dad's situation (he's suffering from cancer and I'm always thinkng about him), my brain's going to explode. I shouldve told her in the first place I couldnt do it, but i didnt realize how demanding she would be..i

Rant #2:
One of my friends is going through hard times...long story but she was the victim of domestic violence, and her family lives across the country in South Dakota. To make sure she was okay, my husband and I offered her our extra room for a few months, until she was able to get on her own feet (her ex boyfriend cleared out their bank account, left her with nothing, and at the time she only had a part time job because he was the breadwinner..they lived together). My husband is very generous and warm hearted and when we'd go out to eat, he wouldnt let her pay cuz he thought she would need her money....but now every time we go out, she claims to have forgotten her wallet or says she only has 3 bucks and I feel bad and offer to pay the rest. Mind you, the rest is only a couple of dollars (we usually eat at like Subway or Taco Bell or somewhere for lunch), but its getting to be too much. I dont want her to feel bad cuz I know she only makes 16 dollars an hour and works part time and saved that extra money to get her own apartment so she wouldnt have to move back to South Dakota with her parents. How do I tell her nicely without making her feel REALLY bad? This guy abused her physically, emoitonally, sexually, mentally so she's pretty fragile. I've referred her to several places for help (DV outreach and advocate places, counsellors etc), but she refuses to go. Her family doesnt help her much (they're very low income and she only has a mother who is on welfare and a sister who's underage so she cant do much). So Im pretty much her only source of support..emotional and financial.

I dont know why, but I just want to cry..................too much going on! And OILFAN81 or TOTF (since I know you guys personally) if you guys are reading this, dont worry Im okay, just having a very hard day with everything...

Sorry to whine..but I had to let that off my chest.

[RougeUnderoos]

nm

[Phanuthier]

Hey OB

If your friends know you personally, they would know what a helpful and generous person you are, and if you are saying something, its obviously for a reason.

1. Be straight up, honest but not confrontational. Tell her what you said here, what stresses you have in life (family, work, school, Kevin Lowe) and that you want to work together to put on a fun and awsome baby shower, together, and you need her cooperation to do it. Say that by being upfront with your issues, you are doing so to work towards a common goal with her to put on a great baby shower.

2. Again, play to who you are because anyone that knows what kind of person you are would know that if you are binging up something, its for a reason and you already tried accommodating them. The obviously have to bring up this issue with her, otherwise it will strain your relationship and you are living in close quarters as it is. For someone (her) who has had their trust broken before, present your POV in a way that emphasis the complete and honest truth; she should appreciate that after being in a sketchy relationship. Tell her your issues and say you don't mind paying (if you don't mind paying) so long as she is honest with you, and explain that you are being straight up and honest with her and she should be to you as well since the most important thing to her has to be honesty and trust.

With both, make sure to start off by expressing something positive or good about them before you get into the discussion. That should help create a positive and constructive conversation to work towards a resolution.

Hope all is well OB, fire me a msg if you wanna chat.

[Delthefunky]

Hey sounds like you've got a big heart, i'd say do what you think is right and don't feel guilty either way. These problems while your trying to help shouldn't bring you and your family down -- atleast too much. As for your friends baby shower just do your best, let the thing happen and more then likely it will be a success, if not you can explain to her the effort you put in and if she's angry about it then just settle with that. As long as you know you did your best you can't fault yourself, and if she's your friend she'll come around.

[Bagor]

Originally Posted by OilersBaby

Rant #1:
but how do I tell her (without her freaking out at me) that she's being too demanding!

If she's one of your best friends.

To her face in a straight to the point, this is how I see it, polite, matter of fact way.

When it comes to best friends you should be able to call it as you see it, irregardless ..... Pregnancy is no excuse.

[driveway]

Rant 1:
The extreme solution - Tell her the baby-shower is off, make up a reason for it, then throw her a surprise shower. This way you can have complete control over how it happens etc. etc.

Probably the better solution - Sit her down and have a nice long talk. If she freaks out, she freaks out. She's emotional and stressed over the baby and she probably knows this and feels out-of-control and worries privately that she's maybe a little crazy. If you explain your situation and how she's making you feel, she may freak out, but she should eventually calm down.

Rant 2:
Sit down with your friend and let her know about all the stress in your life that has nothing to do with her. Let her be your support for a little while. People like to be needed, especially needy people.

Then, treat yourself and your husband to a weekend away (even if it's just to a decent hotel in your own town.) Go to dinner, enjoy each others company, relax, and decompress.

Then come home and be the support your friend really needs. Once you're sharing each others burden's it becomes a lot easier if you feel like you're in it together.

[driveway]

Originally Posted by Bagor

irregardless ..... Pregnancy is no excuse.

1. Irregardless is not a word. Never use it again. Ever.

2. You must be a dude. Pregnancy is totally an excuse, the woman has a four-pound parasite kicking her stomach from the inside.

[ernie]

I always thought they were supposed to be surprise party types of things?

If she wants to throw here own darn baby shower just let her do so.

[Locke]

Have you ever considered the midnight move?

When she wakes up you and all your stuff is gone and the cops are at the door inquiring about the corpse of the homeless guy who has been stabbed to death 48 times lying on the living room floor?

That'll learn her to mess with you, and she can experience one of life's greatest joys...having a child in prison...

[Rathji]

Originally Posted by driveway

2. You must be a dude. Pregnancy is totally an excuse, the woman has a four-pound parasite kicking her stomach from the inside.

+1

Treat with kid gloves.

[Barnes]

Originally Posted by driveway

1. Irregardless is not a word. Never use it again. Ever.

2. You must be a dude. Pregnancy is totally an excuse, the woman has a four-pound parasite kicking her stomach from the inside.

1. Yes, it is. http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=irregardless

OilersBaby, you have a lot going on that is much more important than having to deal with friends who are, to be quite honest are taking advantage of you whether they know it or not. If they are true friends, they will understand if you talk to them about it.

You shouldn't be burdened with other people's problems if you don't burden them by yours.

Take care of yourself, your dad and your husband.

[Rathji]

Originally Posted by Barnes

1. Yes, it is. http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=irregardless

ir⋅re⋅gard⋅less [ir-i-gahrd-lis] Show IPA Pronunciation
–adverb Nonstandard. regardless.

Origin:
1910–15; ir- 2 (prob. after irrespective) + regardless
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) - Cite This Source

Am I missing something or is the source for this online dictionary the online dictionary itself? As is no real dictionary has this included?

[driveway]

Yes, it is. http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=irregardless

From the page you linked:

Usage Note: Irregardless is a word that many mistakenly believe to be correct usage in formal style ... it has met with a blizzard of condemnation for the logical absurdity of combining the negative ir- prefix and -less suffix in a single term. ... it has been considered a blunder for decades and will probably continue to be so.

[OilersBaby]

Hello everyone,

Just wanted to say thanks for the advice you have given me....I really appreciate it CP is awesome cuz not only is it a great place to talk abotu hockey, and a place to have any questions answered about anything random, but in a way, its also like a support group

[Rutuu]

I got one line in on both rants...

Girl problems aren't REAL problems...plus if your problems were ever solved you would create new ones.

My suggestion...re-think all your priorities.

[Traditional_Ale]

I'd say you have to grin and bear it. Lesson to be learned is be more careful about when and especially how you help others. The acts of kindness are greatly diminished in ethical value if it becomes more hassle than its worth. Don't bring it on yourself.

[Devils'Advocate]

Originally Posted by Rutuu

Girl problems aren't REAL problems...plus if your problems were ever solved you would create new ones.

Can someone merit 6 blue squares in one post?

-=-=-=-
My advice:
#1 - take a breath, relax, read the Ffffffkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk thread. It'll make your troubles disappear, even if just for 5 minutes.
#2 - In both cases, you were trying to do something nice and someone is trying to take advantage of your good nature. In both cases, be honest, tell the person how you feel and should they be upset at you for being honest with them, then that is a reflection on their character, not yours.
#3 - read the Ffffffkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk thread again.

[Devils'Advocate]

Originally Posted by Traditional_Ale

I'd say you have to grin and bear it. Lesson to be learned is be more careful about when and especially how you help others. The acts of kindness are greatly diminished in ethical value if it becomes more hassle than its worth. Don't bring it on yourself.

What?!?! Seriously? God, sometimes I hate the human race.

Taking in a woman that was in an abusive relationship who has been stripped of all her resources and assets is "bringing it on yourself"?

Being kind to others and subsequently being taken advantage of is not a lesson learned not to be kind to others.

[Eastern Girl]

My suggestion would be to talk to your friends, as others have said already. There comes a point where you have to look out for your own well being. If you feel you are overwhelmed, tell them that. As your friends, they should be receptive to discussing ways to make the whole situation better for all of you.

I hope it works out.

[Traditional_Ale]

Originally Posted by Devils'Advocate

What?!?! Seriously? God, sometimes I hate the human race.

Taking in a woman that was in an abusive relationship who has been stripped of all her resources and assets is "bringing it on yourself"?

Being kind to others and subsequently being taken advantage of is not a lesson learned not to be kind to others.

I didn't mean to come off that harsh. Basically if you're going to help someone in that situation you cannot resent them for taking advantage of you. I mean, they're desperate, battered, and probably not trusting of anyone or anything...not thinking straight.

If the OP didn't think something along these lines might happen then I think its a lesson learned.

Its always good to help people, but it sounds like what this is costing in money and emotional energy would have been better dealt with another way. Hell, maybe pay a months rent for her? I mean, if she's good enough a friend to be treated the way she is already, maybe helping her into her own place as quickly as possible would have been better?

Again, sorry to sound harsh. Helping people is great. Being selective of how you help is also important in avoiding these dilemnas.