The Rebound Effect

[Inferno]

Some of you might remember the "Friend Zone" thread about a month ago. In there I talked about the situation I was in with a friend who I've had feelings for since grade 10 but never told her until this past summer. Well the whole situation came to an end last week and I guess alot of people here can tell me that they told me so.

She's decided she wants to give her nutjob ex-roomate a chance. Basically when she moved out she realized she missed him more than she thought she would. It took a rumor started by his ex and her friend about how they were together but she was cheating on him with her friend for her to finally give in to him after he constantly nagged her about it. She decided to end all of her guy friendships over this rumor except me because our friendship is one that she wants to keep.

Basically with me she said she did feel a spark after we kissed but that died and admits she she should have made more of an effort to see if it could get brighter. She said after 10 years she thought she owed it to me to atleast see if it was there. She said she told me to let her get her head back on straight to see if her feelings for me came back but they never really did though that's hard when you only see the person once a month. She told me really the nail in the coffin for me was she saw my dependance of her and said that it didnt seem like I was happy with myself and that I needed her to make me happy and that you cant love someone if you dont love yourself.

I talked to her sister about it and she pretty much told me I'm too good for her. She doesnt know what she wants in life and it's affecting her little girl. She said she realizes people make mistakes but you should learn from them. She told me the guy is a nice guy but he tries to hard which really to me is being fake and anyone can be nice when it benefits them. She said I deserve to be with somone who I can love, respect, and trust and get that back. She said that she cant be trusted because she wont even tell her things and when she does she wants to hit her. Apparently she brought this guy to her sister's place for Christmas and he gave her these expensive gifts yet she insisted they werent involved. I made sure I let her know the stuff about him that she doesnt know. She said they arent very close so I dont have to worry about her saying anything to her about us talking.

So after thinking about it for a few days I decided to tell her atleast for now we should stop hanging out. I told her that the last few days had been extremely tough for me because I feel cheated in all of this and that for the first time in 10.5 years I broke down and cried over this whole thing with her and that we couldnt be the friends we were as long as she's with a guy who I dont respect at all for what he's done to her. I also said that seeing her would open the wounds this has caused everytime and make this worse.

I told her if it didnt last then she could contact me or if I finally got over her I would call her and we could try and repair it because we do care alot for eachother. Maybe at that time I wouldnt have the same feelings for her or maybe I would be with someone else who I realized is better and we could just be friends. Or maybe she would give us one more chance to see if that spark could be lit again and to see if it would get brighter and if not then I maybe would be able to accept that and move on and just be her friend, or I maybe I wont ever completely get over this and we can never be friends again. At this point I dont really know.

So after telling her that she told me she understood and that if she could take everything back and start over so that I wouldnt feel cheated she would. She told me I should be proud because not very many people make her cry and that she loved me and logged off before I could even respond.

So my question is should I try and look for someone right away since we never were together or should I take some time for this to sink in and wait for the cheated feeling I have to go away? Most guys would probably just shrug it off and move on but this is 10.5 years worth of feelings I'm trying to let go of.

[foofighter15]

well first I'm sorry to hear that it didn't work out. You clearly liked her alot and that always sucks.
but in answer to your question. It sounds to me like her sister likes you.
So that can have a few affects.
If you form a relationship with her sister then that can make her jealous and maybe open her eyes, or maybe you'll find you like the sister. And then that would be a good way to rebuild the friendship with her, because you'll be taken, but seeing someone who obviously would hang out with her and would take off the stress
Negative, the sister could think she was your second choice, and it could hinder
any chances of you and her in the future

[metal_geek]

No worries... she'll be back... she'll prolly be 38, divorced twice, 3 children 12,10 and 2. She'll leave her abusive, money spending, drunk, 2nd husband and find solace in what you guys had, she'll tell you, she doesn't understand why she never just married you, she was dumb, but has never stopped loving you. You guys will have some good times, then she, and her 3 children will move in with you.

Give or take a few twists..

in the mean time like foofighter said.. you could just plow the sister...
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GNOSTICISM FORUMS

[Tron_fdc]

Go out, get liquored and have yourself a hollow, one night stand with some random stranger. Probably not the best advice the ladies on the board would want to see, but it works.

And don't drunk dial if you strike out. That's a baaaaaaaad idea.

[Inferno]

lol, unfortunately that isnt going to work. Her sister lives like 4 hours away. She's also about 34-35 though this guy she's with is 34. I could see her sister asking her about me and ragging on her since she did say she's been told alot about me and it seems like I'm a good guy which is why she said I'm too good for her.

[ernie]

Tough break it really is but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders so all should be fine. Surround yourself with friends and let the wounds heal. All you can do. But rebounds need not turn out that way.

I once dated a girl on the rebound.

Been together for 15 years, married for nearly 12.

[metal_geek]

Originally Posted by Inferno

Her sister lives like 4 hours away. She's also about 34-35 .

Dude.. doesn't get much better then that...
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Prilosec attorneys

[Zarathustra]

Next! Move on my friend. There is no point in losing sleep over this. There are beautiful single women EVERYWHERE, go meet some of them.

[Inferno]

Originally Posted by metal_geek

No worries... she'll be back... she'll prolly be 38, divorced twice, 3 children 12,10 and 2. She'll leave her abusive, money spending, drunk, 2nd husband and find solace in what you guys had, she'll tell you, she doesn't understand why she never just married you, she was dumb, but has never stopped loving you. You guys will have some good times, then she, and her 3 children will move in with you.

Give or take a few twists..

in the mean time like foofighter said.. you could just plow the sister...

lol, well I could see her admitted she screwed up down the road but I dont know about the married part and the kids cause her tubes are tied and she's swore she's never getting married again though she did say she would tell a guy to off if he ever asked her to marry him and he asked her to marry him 3 times in one day when she told him she was moving out so who knows.

I really dont think this will last as long as she hopes but I'm not going to wait around for her anymore. She bitched about him annoying her even before they hooked up so I can only imagine how much bitching she'll do with them together.

[bigtmac19]

Wow, that sucks Inferno, sorry it didn't work out the way you wanted.
I wouldn't think you need to wait to long to move on in a situation like this.
The old cliche is pretty reliable most of the time that everything happens for a reason, so this is your reason to realize it's time to move on

[troutman]

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now.

- The Streets

[metal_geek]

Her tubes are tied at like 26?... she's not even fertile!!!

So....
1)You said she's messed up.
2)She can't spawn your demon seed...
3)She can't make up her mind...
4)She puts out.. but apprently not to you...
5)Even her sister doesn't like her
6)She basically said she prefers other people to you...
7)She doesn't have her own place to live..

I don't see alot of redeeming qualities here.. Maybe I'm missing something, there has to be some really good qualities to make you wanna hang around... She sitting on some kinda huge inheratance?...
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GAY LATINO

[Inferno]

Originally Posted by Zarathustra

Next! Move on my friend. There is no point in losing sleep over this. There are beautiful single women EVERYWHERE, go meet some of them.

Yeah, thing is with this town it's tough finding a single girl who doesnt have a bad reputation. I know some guys like that but really that's not for me.

I might have to consider what I've been doing the last 7 years and leaving this place and starting over. Not only so that I dont have to worry about running into her but because if you want to make something out of yourself you have to leave here. I'll probably take some time to think about it though cause I did it after highschool and it was a mistake. I realized then you cant just run away from your problems.

[bigtmac19]

Originally Posted by Inferno

Yeah, thing is with this town it's tough finding a single girl who doesnt have a bad reputation. I know some guys like that but really that's not for me.

I might have to consider what I've been doing the last 7 years and leaving this place and starting over. Not only so that I dont have to worry about running into her but because if you want to make something out of yourself you have to leave here. I'll probably take some time to think about it though cause I did it after highschool and it was a mistake. I realized then you cant just run away from your problems.

Hey take that idea and run with it. You are older and wiser now.
New beginning in a new place, I would love that.

I live in a small town, definitely not a great place to meet someone, you don't already know too much about.

[Inferno]

Originally Posted by metal_geek

Her tubes are tied at like 26?... she's not even fertile!!!

So....
1)You said she's messed up.
2)She can't spawn your demon seed...
3)She can't to make up her mind...
4)She puts out.. but apprently not to you...
5)Even her sister doesn't like her
6)She basically said she prefers other people to you...
7)She doesn't have her own place to live..

I don't see alot of redeeming qualities here.. Maybe I'm missing something, there has to be some really good qualities to make you wanna hang around... She sitting on some kinda huge inheratance?...

1) When it comes to relationships she is. I can only name two guys she's dated who werent s or losers.
2) She got her tubes tied(clamped?) cause she never did want kids but says her nephew makes her consider getting it reversed one day.
3) True
4) She told me she never slept with him when she lived there but now who knows for sure. Guess she is now.
5) I dont know if she doesnt like her but she thinks she needs to get her together for mostly her daughter's sake.
6) Basically she told me she loves me but in a close friend way right now
7) She lives with her parents right now cause appartments are tough to get here. She did tell me she's not moving back in with him.

Basically as far as her qualities go only some people here know but I have Spina Bifida. I just always seemed comfortable when I was around her. I knew she never judged me and saw me for the person I am inside. There's also things about me that I would only feel comfortable talking to her about. She was also very good at lifting my spirits when I was down. I know I could find that in other women but she was the one I always wanted. And I know that she really does care for me alot otherwise she would have just shrugged me off like the other guys instead of asking for us to get past this and wouldnt have got upset when I told her we couldnt hang out anymore.

[Cowboy89]

Well all I have to say is that if you act around a woman like she's a scarce resource, then she's going to wonder what's wrong with you and not desire you. It's the reason why gold costs $900 an ounce, many things can look just as pretty, but it's difficult to find and produce. She even mentioned to you that she sensed that your sense of self and overall mood on life were in someway attached to your interactions with her. Focus on that!

The law of attraction works the same as selling something to someone. If you appear like she's your only potential buyer, subconsciously she can only assume that there's a good reason why you don't have other options. Whether it be the case or not. You have to appear to be a scarce commodity that if she doesn't take action now you could be 'sold out' any day. You have to appear to be someone who can make her feel good whenever she's around you.

Of course the key to having a meaningful relationship with someone you attract is to actually live up to the 'product you were selling.' The best technique I've ever heard to do this effectively is to be yourself to the best of your ability. Being comfortable in your own skin is the only way to appear and actually be the 'real deal.' You can fake who you are and what you're about to initially attract, but once she knows it's snake oil, she'll leave. If you don't know who you are or what you're about, figure that out first before trying to find anyone else. Also once you know what you are, what you're about, and what you want, don't settle for anything less. That means being quick to turf the women you meet that fall below what you're looking for. Afterall confident self-aware guys don't settle for fear of not finding any better.

You cannot after screwing up, go back and try again with the same woman because despite your personal growth, subconsciously she'll still remember what you once were and it'll dwell over anything new. Also it's cruel and unusual punishment for you to continue trying to ram a cube into a circle hole any longer. It's been 10.5 years. That's a frickin decade dude!

[Inferno]

*double post*

[burn_this_city]

I agree with Cowboy.. For once

You gotta seem like something she can't have.. Having your house in order is also important.. Chicks are attracted to guys who know what they want in life..

[foofighter15]

i think the best solution now is for a bunch of us to take you out and get you good and drunk. at this point, we will find you a nice little bar star.

[Inferno]

Originally Posted by foofighter15

i think the best solution now is for a bunch of us to take you out and get you good and drunk. at this point, we will find you a nice little bar star.

You all chipping in for the plane ticket?

lol