Personal Dilemma

[gallione11]

I could use some advice. Here's the deal.

I've been with my current GF for 1.5 years. We've been living together for 9 months. Aside from a few minor flaws, we are happy. However, there is a girl at work while we will call J, that I cannot get out of my head, and it's been getting increasingly worse. It really got bad Tuesday, after giving her a friendly hug before she left on a 1.5 week vacation.

She is single. I obviously am not. Me and the GF have gotten a little odd lately, in that we don't seem to be ourselves around each other. This has been going on for around 3 weeks. Don't know if it is because of this situation that has gotten J on my mind more, or vice versa.

Anyways, the past couple days, I've felt a little odd. Today was really bad in that I felt almost depressed today when I got to work. That has been the formula this week. J is on my head a lot for the first and last few hours of each day and not as much in the middle. It's rather odd. I thought maybe "Out of sight, out of mind" would help this issue, but, like I said, it's been worse since J left town. I've had little episodes like this before, with my last GF, but it was very different in that I was in an unhappy relationship, and overall not impressed with her. This is what I don't get. I'm happy with who I have now, but J will not go away. What should I do?

J is someone that I would take just as a friend even if nothing ... naughty ever happened. She's just a real interesting person. (and very attractive.) I've thought about tell my current GF about this issue, just to get it off my chest, but I know that will result in a fight, and her not wanting me to ever speak to J again. I'm partially thinking part of what makes J so attractive is the fact that I've never "sampled the goods" so to speak.

I sort of wonder if it would be this bad if J was here and I could see her at work.

So, anyone else ever had a situation like this? What did you do? Is this just a phase that will pass or does something have to be done to fix this? The thing I'm worried about is that I know it's changing the way I act towards my GF now, and that's not really a good thing.

Thanks. Even if I don't get a response, It was nice to at least get this off my chest.

[Azure]

I think someone who has been with you 1.5 years deserves more than....err, nothing perhaps?

Things will only get worse if you don't talk about it.

[FireFly]

You need to talk to your girlfriend. Having things be weird with her is probably making your mind wander to 'what ifs'... get things back on track with her and you'll probably start to see J as just a friend again.

*** Editing to add:

Why has your girlfriend been weird with you? Who started the weirdness? You need to figure out the cause of the weirdness, and don't be so quick to assume it's J. Your girlfriend doesn't know about J and may have been weird first, before you were weird, in which case, something is on her mind and it isn't her sense that there's another girl in the picture. Find out why she's weird.

[Mayer]

Azure is right.

I feel for you man. I've been there before. I made the mistake of keeping it to myself though. My girlfriend eventually found out from someone else (or maybe she just noticed the way I acted around this particular girl) and that resulted in the end of our relationship. I don't think it was ever meant to be, but that being said, maybe the very fact that you feel this way about "J" means you shouldn't be with your current girlfriend? It's a tough question for sure.

[J pold]

This is going to sound pretty selfish but you have to do what makes you happy, you probably love your girl friend but you have to do what’s right for you if you decide to stay with your girlfriend just to make her happy you and her will be left unfulfilled because you wanting something else and she will want more from you if you can’t give your girlfriend the full extent of your love and focus than you shouldn’t be with her, if you think being with this J person will make you happy in the long term than you should leave your current girl and be with her

[Azure]

Originally Posted by J pold

This is going to sound pretty selfish but you have to do what makes you happy, you probably love your girl friend but you have to do what’s right for you if you decide to stay with your girlfriend just to make her happy you and her will be left unfulfilled because you wanting something else and she will want more from you if you can’t give your girlfriend the full extent of your love and focus than you shouldn’t be with her, if you think being with this J person will make you happy in the long term than you should leave your current girl and be with her

Selfish n00b!

Sorry, couldn't resist.

Good points though....but I think that should be rather obvious.

[Claeren]

I would break-up with the current gf even if nothing pans out with J.

I mean seriously, how much bigger of a sign do you need that you are not ready to settle down yet??

You are on a 'forever' path with the girl you are currently with. I am almost positive that deep down 'forever' is a tad longer than you were thinking when you moved in together...




Claeren.

[I-Hate-Hulse]

Practically speaking, is "J" even interested in you, or is she one of those naturally flirty girls who's nice to everyone? Might you be ready to torch what you have now for an unattainable?

[CaptainCrunch]

First of all this thread is useless without pics.

Second of all, people go through difficulties where thier relationships get weird, trust me, for me it always comes at about the one year mark because you've gone from a thrilling relationship to the big familiarity. I can also safely say that depending on your age your attention wanders a bit, and things on the other side of the wall start looking better because of the what if factor.

Unless the lines of communication are currently shot with the current girl you owe it to her to have the talk. Maybe you can work out the weird part and it might all come down to where your relationship is going. If its not fixable maybe you two need some space.

But I have to say that this J person where you see her as a friend, your seeing her as more then that. Your wondering if she's better or more exciting or more easily accessible then what you've got now. I'm going to tell you flat out, that chances are, she's not, you have doubts about what you have right now, and your mind is doing the what if dance.

Cool it with J, sit down with your girlfriend, maybe talk about ways of spicing things up in your relationship (And I'm not talking chips dips chains and whips) and decide if its in both of your interests to move on or work things out.

[Super-Rye]

Originally Posted by I-Hate-Hulse

Practically speaking, is "J" even interested in your, or is she one of those naturally flirty girls who's nice to everyone? Might you be ready to torch what you have now for an unattainable?

Might be why he can't get J out of his head?

People always want something they can't have kind of thing I guess.

[Caged Great]

this happens occasionally in serious relationships. Infactuation happens, but eventually it'll go away.

Either that or your girlfriend will go away allowing your infactuation to become your new girlfriend....

[gallione11]

Good points all, let's clarify some things:

Why has your girlfriend been weird with you? Who started the weirdness? You need to figure out the cause of the weirdness, and don't be so quick to assume it's J. Your girlfriend doesn't know about J and may have been weird first, before you were weird, in which case, something is on her mind and it isn't her sense that there's another girl in the picture. Find out why she's weird.

I'm fairly sure part of it is J. We all work at the same place. My GF I don't think knows my feelings about the matter, but, she views J as a threat. She says she flirts with me a lot, and just has that woman's intuition that J wants me. And she asked me earlier this week to tell her what I find unattractive about J, which took me by surprise. Secondly, she's been a lot more emotional lately. She's not drama-y or generally not too terribly emotional, but lately she has been. She also seems to be snappy with me on more than one occasion on unrelated topics.

Practically speaking, is "J" even interested in your, or is she one of those naturally flirty girls who's nice to everyone? Might you be ready to torch what you have now for an unattainable?

I'm not sure, but I do suspect yes. She's not really flirty with people and I've said a few things to her jokingly along the lines of "I'm flattered that you want me, but really I have a girlfriend." And instead of denying it or playing it off, J laughs and says don't tell your GF you said that, I don't want her to beat me up.

I mean seriously, how much bigger of a sign do you need that you are not ready to settle down yet??

You are on a 'forever' path with the girl you are currently with. I am almost positive that deep down 'forever' is a tad longer than you were thinking when you moved in together...

You know, I actually like long term relationships. I'm 25, and had only three real girlfriends. The first lasted 18 months, the second 4.5 years and now this one. And, when we moved in together, I did think it might be a forever thing. I wasn't expecting a hiccup like this. I think part of me may want to sample a little more than three partners, but at the same time, I'm not one to just do stuff with people without there being a connection of some kind. I'm not a one night stand kind of guy.

...

But then I think about this, do I really know I'm not that kind of guy? I've never really been in a situation where the opportunity presented itself. I don't think I'm that kind of guy, but ...yeah.

[gallione11]

Originally Posted by Caged Great

this happens occasionally in serious relationships. Infactuation happens, but eventually it'll go away.

Either that or your girlfriend will go away allowing your infactuation to become your new girlfriend....

Very true. That's what happened last time. For the last six months of my last relationship, I started getting to know my current GF. Granted, I had been unhappy for about a year, and I think it was my way of preparing for when that relationship finally failed, because the signs were all over.

Difference is though, that this time, the current relationship is going fine. We've never even had even a small fight.

[gallione11]

Originally Posted by CaptainCrunch

First of all this thread is useless without pics.

Second of all, people go through difficulties where thier relationships get weird, trust me, for me it always comes at about the one year mark because you've gone from a thrilling relationship to the big familiarity. I can also safely say that depending on your age your attention wanders a bit, and things on the other side of the wall start looking better because of the what if factor.

But I have to say that this J person where you see her as a friend, your seeing her as more then that. Your wondering if she's better or more exciting or more easily accessible then what you've got now. I'm going to tell you flat out, that chances are, she's not, you have doubts about what you have right now, and your mind is doing the what if dance.

Cool it with J, sit down with your girlfriend, maybe talk about ways of spicing things up in your relationship (And I'm not talking chips dips chains and whips) and decide if its in both of your interests to move on or work things out.

Unfortunately I have no pics of me or my current GF on my laptop, and the only one I have of J is from her myspace and it's not a good one .

I guess I might see J as more than a friend, but like I said, I'd be interested in just being a friend if that is what was offered.

I'd like to have that talk and all that, but first I need to get my mind on the right track. Because right now, I'm having a hard time acting myself around my GF. There's a tension floating in the house, and it might just be me feeling it, but it's there. I don't want to enter in to a conversation with that out there because I might say something I regret (ie. something I don't really mean but comes out anyways.)

I'd agree that a lot of it might be that whole wondering thing, the would it be better, and what not. The real ironic thing about this is that J and my GF are similar in a lot of ways. They both even have the same body types, although J has like 2 inches on my GF. So, I keep trying to use the reasoning "You already have that, why do you need another one?" but it's not working as well as it should.

[Delthefunky]

Go for a drive or a long walk and think about things, like where you see yourself going with your girlfriend of now. I mean if you don't think it will last forever then you might have to do the old breakup thing, but if you think that even after 1.5 years you still love this girl then keep at it.

[Winsor_Pilates]

Don't talk to your GF. That is horrible advice.

If J is what you want, then the right thing to do is break it off with your GF and go to J.
If not, just resist and keep moving for your current GF. There will always be girls who tempt you, and if you talk the your GF about every one she will just get insecure. In this case, ignorance is bliss for your GF. She doesn't need to know everytime you're into another girl unless you're actually gonna act on it.

[philip1985]

Originally Posted by Winsor_Pilates

Don't talk to your GF. That is horrible advice.

If J is what you want, then the right thing to do is break it off with your GF and go to J.
If not, just resist and keep moving for your current GF. There will always be girls who tempt you, and if you talk the your GF about every one she will just get insecure. In this case, ignorance is bliss for your GF. She doesn't need to know everytime you're into another girl unless you're actually gonna act on it.

I agree with Winsor, don't talk to your girlfriend about it. This can only result in bad things. Go for a drive or just a walk and think things through like Delthefunky said. If you cannot see your relationship progress it is unfair to your current girlfriend. I've been with mine now almost 5 years and we are getting married this summer. We've had our ups and downs, I've also been in a fairly similar situation, key is if you tell your girlfriend she is going to be really insecure and feel betrayed. Just think things through and don't rush anything, do what is best for you. In the end you have to be happy.

[BlackEleven]

Go the Seinfeld route and propose a menage-a-trois!

[PYroMaNiaC]

Your current girlfriend's instincts are bang on. "J" is a threat to the relationship you're in. And she has every right to act "weird". You must respect her feelings on the matter. Either man up and break it off before moving on (and understand that if the sampling of "J" should prove unsatisfying, you will not have a second shot with your current girlfriend) or quit flirting with "J".

[Flames in 07]

Originally Posted by gallione11

Good points all, let's clarify some things:



I'm fairly sure part of it is J. We all work at the same place. My GF I don't think knows my feelings about the matter, but, she views J as a threat. She says she flirts with me a lot, and just has that woman's intuition that J wants me. And she asked me earlier this week to tell her what I find unattractive about J, which took me by surprise. Secondly, she's been a lot more emotional lately. She's not drama-y or generally not too terribly emotional, but lately she has been. She also seems to be snappy with me on more than one occasion on unrelated topics.



I'm not sure, but I do suspect yes. She's not really flirty with people and I've said a few things to her jokingly along the lines of "I'm flattered that you want me, but really I have a girlfriend." And instead of denying it or playing it off, J laughs and says don't tell your GF you said that, I don't want her to beat me up.



You know, I actually like long term relationships. I'm 25, and had only three real girlfriends. The first lasted 18 months, the second 4.5 years and now this one. And, when we moved in together, I did think it might be a forever thing. I wasn't expecting a hiccup like this. I think part of me may want to sample a little more than three partners, but at the same time, I'm not one to just do stuff with people without there being a connection of some kind. I'm not a one night stand kind of guy.

Just my $.02.

First, I'd guess the wierdness is about J, based on the first bolded sentance ... she may very well know what you are struggling to say.

Second thing is based on this story I think you should consider yourself 25 and actually like medium term relationships. If J is so consuming to you, that's fine, your 25, not 35 or 45, but you are not yet a long term relationship kind of guy, or at least the kind that are down and satisfied with just one girl ... or at least this gf.

There's nothing wrong with that, but if the above is true, the gf needs to know what is going on, she'd derserve that, not unlike how you would if it was the other way around.