HalifaxDrunk – How much booze can a drunk drink drunk?
Drunk, Comedian. Born Michael Stumpy Fawcett on December 14th 1973 in Halifax Nova Scotia. The first born sons of Boltok the rapist HD was born as a Siamese twin, attached to his brother (Halifax Hangover) by the...err...I'll let you fill in the blank. HD spent his younger days touring as a circus midget with his mother, the bearded lady.
Everything HD does on the message board is in Hi Def.
Although Mike goes by the name Halifax Drunk, he has in fact not been drunk since 2005. He developed an allergy to alcohol and has been an anti-drinking advocate ever since. HD only pretends that he likes Alexander Kieth's when he really just gets turned on by the red elk that appears on the bottle. HD does not really like beer but is more of a Daqurie drinker.
The reason he became known as Halifax Drunk, was due to his infatuation with Tequila, and the worm. It's true, the Mexicans told him that the worm does alot of things to a man, not to mention that it gives them an extra testicle. And ever since then, that's all he thinks about.
Shortly after his 18th birthday, HD took a trip to Quebec so that he could indulge himself in a world of booze and easy hairy woman. After a 10 day bender for the ages in Val D'or HD married a quiet but willing girl who he knew as Dolly Dowhateveryouwantto. Still in an alcoholic haze Drunk returned home to show off his new bride to family and friends. Six months later these same friends and family had to lock Drunk up in a room to get him sober enough to realize that he had been married to a blow up doll for 6 months.
Halifax Drunk holds an annual Newfie hunt on his acreage in Nova Scotia. It draws thousands and the hope is that one day it will be the provincial sport.
At age 18, HD was surprised to find out that his birth mother had no blood relation to his birth father, and still wonders, to this day, why he was born cross-eyed. It does come in handy when he is on a date with a lady friend, he can keep one eye on her and one eye on any other chick in the place.
In the summer of 1992 HalifaxDrunk finally had many years of stalking his hero payoff. On a trip to Hawaii HD was caught snooping in the dirty laundry bags of comedy legend Bob Hope. While waiting for the police the two finally met, Bob provided a lot of comedic advice hence, making HD the funny person he is today.
In 2002 while trying to find his roots, HD moved to the Afghanistan desert to become a Sou'wester (also known as "Southwester" in languages that have no apostrophe), and shoot fish. Sou'westers inhabit the arid, inhospitable plains of southwestern Afghanistan near the Iranian border. Though the land's deficiencies discourage a lesser people, HalifaxDrunk, like his very poor father, and his very poor father before him, is a seafaring fisherman. Lacking an ocean, HD would ply the ankle-deep waters of the Gaud-i-Zirreh marshes in a valiant (some would say desperate or odd) search for the cod, the haddock, and the prized Atlantic swordfish. Over two yars he only caught 2 cod and 4 haddock so he moved back to Canada in 2004.
Halifax Drunk while in charge of the Walkerton Public Utilities Commission had used government funding to fund his own foundation called the Halifax Drunk-Doping Agency (HDDA). An organization involved in the promotion and coordinating of masking of doping in sport in all its forms at the international level. The HDDA primary focus was the handling and replacement of masked urine samples for the worlds elite athletes. Halifax Drunk has created a system that allowed athletes to contaminate their urine with a masked sample of HD’s own urine to hide any traces of doping. In fact although HD and HDDA can not be linked to Michelle Smith’s performance at the 1996 Atlanta Olympic Games it is believed that it was HD’s claim to fame.
HD is currently the General Manager of the Phoenix Coyotes in the CPHL. It’s a well known fact that every other GM in the league has a photo of HD on their desk for inspiration. The motto of the CPHL is “I wanna be like Mike!”
Stay tuned for the next CPHL Biography: HannaSniper - He doesn't just talk with the animals.
CPHL Biography #8 - Halifax Drunk
