Struggle to Make and Maintain Friends/Relationships
I've been debating writing this post for some time. I've decided it would be worth it even in a cathartic sense.
I'm 39 years old, happily married and have two school-aged boys. I've been successful in my career and my family is financially secure. By many measures I live a successful life.
The pandemic and other life events caused me to take a step back from my career and spend more time at home with my family. I'm currently on leave from work and will remain on leave for another year and a half. The time at home has been amazing, and allowed me to connect with my family in a much deeper way than I did before. I'm so happy to have this opportunity.
However, the time has also caused me to reflect on my life up to this point. It's made me realize (or rather focus on) things that I tried not to think much about over the last number of years. The short of it is (and I apologize because I know this post is not short) I have no friends, expect for my wife.
Not only do I not have any friends, but I have not had any friends for quite a while. If I'm being honest with myself the last meaningful relationships that I had (besides my wife) where when I was in high school, which was over 22 years ago. I've had work acquaintances over the years, but no one that I would call a friend. My sister was my 'best person' at my wedding and I had no bachelor party. I'm turning 40 this year and my parents asked if I wanted a big party to celebrate and invite people. I thought about it for a second and realized I had no one to invite, except for a few members of family.
When I was working I didn't seem to mind being friendless, but now it seems to be getting to me. I've been thinking about my old high school relationships a lot lately and have really struggled with the memories of good times with buddies. I went to high school in Ottawa, and while I can reconnect with some of them on social media, I have not seen any of them since around 1999, when I moved to Alberta. Since then, I spent my 20s working and going through university. My 30s were spent focusing on my career and raising kids. A very similar story to most people I suppose. All of it kept me busy and focused, and allowed me to ignore this hole in my life. In fact, I've read that lots of men in their middle age struggle to make and maintain friends the most. Not sure how true that is though.
I keep thinking that I need to go back to work to distract me, but I'm smart enough to know that I've now opened something that I'm not sure I can contain (ie. stop thinking about). I'm also fairly introverted, which has has probably been both a positive and negative in this situation. In that I mean that I'm quite happy being by myself most times, but it has also been a factor in what caused me to isolate myself over two decades. Now I'm nearly 40, have no friends and feel as though I don't have the interpersonal skills to make or maintain any meaningful friendships, even if I wanted to. I'm hopelessly awkward in lots of social settings. It's not something I've done in a very long time, and I'm upset with myself that I let this happen.
I'm a huge fan of Bob Dylan and I've been listening to a song of his over and over lately, called 'Mississippi'. Some of the final lines of the song read: "The emptiness is endless. Cold as the clay. You can always go back, but you can't go back all the way." I suppose these lyrics are the closest to how I've been feeling as of late.
I've been on this forum for a very long time now, and I've been visiting it daily for about 17 years. I've only ever really lurked and just started posting lately because I'm home and have free time. In some ways this place has been a small substitute for my friend struggles, because here I get the feeling of sitting and talking hockey/politics/whatever with buddies. Even if I'm just reading what you all have to say. But I suppose that is part of problem, because at the end of the day I'm just sitting on my computer by myself.
If you read this, thank you for listening. I'm honestly not looking for sympathy, as I know that everyone has their struggles. But I was alone, sitting in my house, and felt like I needed to express my thoughts somewhere. And the only place I go regularly anymore is here.
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Volunteering, social hobbies, sports, you're going to have to break out of your shell as the only way to meet friends is through interacting with them.
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I've been debating writing this post for some time. I've decided it would be worth it even in a cathartic sense.
I'm 39 years old, happily married and have two school-aged boys. I've been successful in my career and my family is financially secure. By many measures I live a successful life.
The pandemic and other life events caused me to take a step back from my career and spend more time at home with my family. I'm currently on leave from work and will remain on leave for another year and a half. The time at home has been amazing, and allowed me to connect with my family in a much deeper way than I did before. I'm so happy to have this opportunity.
However, the time has also caused me to reflect on my life up to this point. It's made me realize (or rather focus on) things that I tried not to think much about over the last number of years. The short of it is (and I apologize because I know this post is not short) I have no friends, expect for my wife.
Not only do I not have any friends, but I have not had any friends for quite a while. If I'm being honest with myself the last meaningful relationships that I had (besides my wife) where when I was in high school, which was over 22 years ago. I've had work acquaintances over the years, but no one that I would call a friend. My sister was my 'best person' at my wedding and I had no bachelor party. I'm turning 40 this year and my parents asked if I wanted a big party to celebrate and invite people. I thought about it for a second and realized I had no one to invite, except for a few members of family.
When I was working I didn't seem to mind being friendless, but now it seems to be getting to me. I've been thinking about my old high school relationships a lot lately and have really struggled with the memories of good times with buddies. I went to high school in Ottawa, and while I can reconnect with some of them on social media, I have not seen any of them since around 1999, when I moved to Alberta. Since then, I spent my 20s working and going through university. My 30s were spent focusing on my career and raising kids. A very similar story to most people I suppose. All of it kept me busy and focused, and allowed me to ignore this hole in my life. In fact, I've read that lots of men in their middle age struggle to make and maintain friends the most. Not sure how true that is though.
I keep thinking that I need to go back to work to distract me, but I'm smart enough to know that I've now opened something that I'm not sure I can contain (ie. stop thinking about). I'm also fairly introverted, which has has probably been both a positive and negative in this situation. In that I mean that I'm quite happy being by myself most times, but it has also been a factor in what caused me to isolate myself over two decades. Now I'm nearly 40, have no friends and feel as though I don't have the interpersonal skills to make or maintain any meaningful friendships, even if I wanted to. I'm hopelessly awkward in lots of social settings. It's not something I've done in a very long time, and I'm upset with myself that I let this happen.
I'm a huge fan of Bob Dylan and I've been listening to a song of his over and over lately, called 'Mississippi'. Some of the final lines of the song read: "The emptiness is endless. Cold as the clay. You can always go back, but you can't go back all the way." I suppose these lyrics are the closest to how I've been feeling as of late.
I've been on this forum for a very long time now, and I've been visiting it daily for about 17 years. I've only ever really lurked and just started posting lately because I'm home and have free time. In some ways this place has been a small substitute for my friend struggles, because here I get the feeling of sitting and talking hockey/politics/whatever with buddies. Even if I'm just reading what you all have to say. But I suppose that is part of problem, because at the end of the day I'm just sitting on my computer by myself.
If you read this, thank you for listening. I'm honestly not looking for sympathy, as I know that everyone has their struggles. But I was alone, sitting in my house, and felt like I needed to express my thoughts somewhere. And the only place I go regularly anymore is here.
Thanks for sharing that, man.
One thing I will say is this community is a significant step above sitting on your computer by yourself. We're all real people and most people here enjoy hanging out, commiserating, sharing, learning and even arguing/fighting. It's also a really convenient place to hang out because you can come and go at your leisure and only pipe in about things that interest you. So, anyway, just saying don't sell your time on here short - when chatting on CP you're not by yourself in many ways.
I get you're looking for more, though. That sounds tough. Hopefully this thread will end up giving you some good suggestions to take a step forward. I'm sure just identifying the issue and reaching out is an excellent (and potentially the most difficult) step.
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Corny as it sounds, find a social hobby. Men over 30 are crap at making friends, especially when the relationship becomes the focal point. We need something to distract us enough to drop our guards and just relax. All of my enduring friendships are based on the fact that we were passionate about the same thing at one point.
As we had kids, I noticed my friend sphere shrinking. I hung out with a lot of people who decided not to have any. I've met a few more through the kids activities (hockey and ringette). The people I spend the most time with are the ones that live on my street.
I ride my bike a lot and one day was riding up the hill on my street and saw 3 or 4 people drinking beer on the driveway. I walked down with a beer, introduced myself and volia! New friends!
I realize this may not be as easy for introvert, just offering a few suggestions.
b1crunch - you should know that there are many other 39-year olds just like you out there.
It is true, making friends as a male in your late 30's can be tough. Everyone seems to either have established social circles, or reaching out proactively to new friends often seems like a business proposition. People also at this age are far more likely to focus on the foibles and mannerisms that 'bug' them or they wouldn't appreciate because they've become seasoned to social interaction and what kind of work that entails. Sometimes you feel like you'd rather not bother.
On that note, I would recommend do something that allows you (and everyone else in the room) to focus on a shared activity that doesn't draw attention to the initial icebreaking. You jump right into a team-based activity that makes you need to think quick on your feet. Then organically you'll find like-minded voices that - at the end of it all if you enjoy the activity - will want to discuss and reminisce over beers and laughter.
Things like Tough Mudder, Night-time jogging groups, festivals that require team work (like canoe sledding at Canoe Volant in Edmonton), gaming nights online (with local players) or trivia nights help with that.
I don't like when people say "meet my friends over drinks". It's too direct. Need to achieve something together for the ice to be broken.
I'd also say that there are probably way more people than you expect who are in situations like yours. Multiple movies have been made over this premise (I Love You, Man, The Wedding Ringer). I replaced my entire friend group with coworkers over the years and obviously working from home has had major issues in that regard. I'm pretty sure I went a week with the only person I talked to was my Google Home.
We have an advantage now at least as no one has been socializing for 2 years. Everyone is going to be awkward. New groups will be forming constantly as we emerge from our burrows. A group like this one will likely have many new people for each event as people becoming comfortable going out again. Not that it should matter as the goal is the same for everyone there, to make new make friends, but it's less awkward when everyone there is new too.
Quote:
Hello friends,
Welcome to the group for 20s, 30s, 40s
This group is for everyone who are looking to make new friends, explore the city, try new fun activities.
The typical events will be pub night, coffee conversation, happy hour meetup, and anything else that looks fun and interesting.
I think there is a difference between friends and really close friends. IMO if you have made 2 or 3 really close friends in your lifetime, you are fortunate.
I saw a cartoon recently where there were only two people at a funeral, and they were standing over a casket, and one said, "But he had two hundred friends on facebook".
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I have a very similar story (work from home, late 30s, married w/kids) and agree it is very hard to maintain/make friends in this situation, especially as an introvert.
The one thing that I've found has been the best (and I'm far from an authority on this subject) is volunteering. It does take time (big downside with small kids) but working together with a group on something is a great icebreaker.
Yeah, it's definitely tough at your/our age. I've made one new friend in the last 20 years and even though he's the most supportive and open one I know, he still hasn't made it into my "core group.". I'll do stuff with others from work but when the work connection eventually ends, so will we.
I don't have answers, but perhaps think about why those work acquaintances never become friends. Afraid to nose in on their lives? Afraid to mix work and pleasure? Something else?
If I moved to a new town, I think I'd struggle but would eventually look for a hobby or service group or something where common interest could build connections.
I'm 48 and in a similar circumstance. My wife is my only real friend. I have friends that I grew up with but we've grown apart and don't really share the same interests. In fact, I don't really like most of them much anymore.
I've had some work friends but they all seem to go away once one or both of us move on. I joined a hockey team but everyone was much younger than me and we had nothing in common.
The only people I really hang out with are family and extended family. That said, I'm an introvert and home-body so it suits me nicely but it would be nice to have a tight group of friends.
I think it's more important to have a few close friends than a large group of acquaintances.
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Well I always say a good conversation over a beer is a great start for pretty much anything. I am in my early 40s and I am always up for meeting new people. I have young kids so I get that this can be a serious drain on your time but so rewarding as well.
Shall we organize a hangout pint for any of the dudes on CP that are in this boat? How about Bitter Sisters for a wing night? Or are people further south? to north? I am way south. Thoughts?
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One thing I will say is this community is a significant step above sitting on your computer by yourself. We're all real people and most people here enjoy hanging out, commiserating, sharing, learning and even arguing/fighting. It's also a really convenient place to hang out because you can come and go at your leisure and only pipe in about things that interest you. So, anyway, just saying don't sell your time on here short - when chatting on CP you're not by yourself in many ways.
I get you're looking for more, though. That sounds tough. Hopefully this thread will end up giving you some good suggestions to take a step forward. I'm sure just identifying the issue and reaching out is an excellent (and potentially the most difficult) step.
This is true, and I say this as someone who has met a lot of people that I consider friends from this board.
Whether I only see them once a year when they're in my office doing taxes and shooting the breeze about the Flames, or whatever other topics come up.
That being said, you're certainly not alone. Most of my oldest friends have either moved away or have families of their own that consume a lot of their time.
And the Pandemic really exacerbated the problem.
All I can say is...join a group, take up a hobby and volunteer.
I've met tons of people simply by volunteering and they generally like similar things as you depending on what you're volunteering for.
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Struggle to Make and Maintain Friends/Relationships
