How do you deal with anger in the moment? What works for you?
I had a confrontation in a parking lot with a complete stranger. In hindsight, we both were at fault, I stood up for myself but I escalated it further than it should have gone. Now I feel regret and guilt.
How do you deal with that burning 'I need to get back at him' anger specifically in the moment? How do you catch yourself?
Just tell yourself: 'I can get killed by a complete stranger over a stupid parking argument, in which nothing of importance for me is at stake". Then, say "Sorry" and drive away.
__________________
"An idea is always a generalization, and generalization is a property of thinking. To generalize means to think." Georg Hegel
“To generalize is to be an idiot.” William Blake
The Following User Says Thank You to CaptainYooh For This Useful Post:
I tell myself if I let a confrontation escalate I could wind up in jail. It doesn't even matter if you're tough or whatever, winning a fight is just as bad as losing one because you can get a permanent record and wind up behind bars screwing up your life for a long time because of a minor disagreement.
Add to that the fact that anger leaves a residue on the nervous system negatively effecting you for hours and at the same time inhibits cognitive functioning. Some people think harnessing anger is a good thing but it's not.
The Following User Says Thank You to AcGold For This Useful Post:
When I'm annoyed or bothered by someone/something, I ignore it
I know people who just can't ignore things and let it eat at them, or in the moment they need to say something to escalate the situation. To me the best thing to do is in your head think "who cares." In argument situations there's rarely a winner, especially between two dudes in a parking lot. It's best to say whatever and carry on, chances are you'll never see this guy again. If you do you won't even recognize him because your eyes won't be red with anger
Best advice I have is pick your battles. Everyone is annoying (You and I included) and there's a lot of ###holes around. None of them deserve your time or attention, just move on
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Wood For This Useful Post:
Location: A simple man leading a complicated life....
Exp:
In the heat of the moment things are often said and deeds are done that we will always regret later. I found it's best to walk as I have found that further verbal or physical confrontations never lead to anything good.
I find that when I'm feeling angry, I ask myself why I'm feeling it, and that usually help rationalize it. If I can figure out the 'why', then I can deal with that.
When I get angry, I take a bubble bath. During that time, I hold a mirror and ask myself three times whether I'm justified in my anger. Afterwards, I knit a pair of socks. When my anger is justified, I knit a really badass pattern. When I'm wrong, the socks are a solid colour.
Currently in my sock drawer, there are about 400 pattern socks, and a couple dozen solids.
The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to 4X4 For This Useful Post:
For me, anger comes with a strong physiological response. I have learned to notice in my body what changes when I am angry, and when it gets to that point it is very difficult to control. I've also learned to recognize the signals that I am beginning to get angry, like an elevated heart rate, a certain feeling in my stomach, I'll also make certain facial expressions and gestures, take certain postures.
So when that happens, I try to interject. I tell myself I am getting angry and that I choose to not be angry in that moment, I'll do something to "shock"
Physiology - like take a different posture, smile, leave the room, etc. I've noticed that if it gets to the point where my blood pressure increases (yes I can feel it), I can no longer override the process I have to accept I am mad. I'll be pissed off for a good long while until I calm down with a walk, a glass of water, some breathing.
Anger, I am sure can serve some useful purpose when your life is on the line but it's never served me. It makes me say things I regret and don't mean and make horrible decisions. I used to think I didn't get really angry because I wouldn't flip out and lose my temper like my little brother until I realized that word like annoyed and frustrated are synonyms for being angry, and I can tell you that I was angry a lot... And didn't even notice it. My lack of control over this was a big factor in my first marriage ending and to be perfectly honest, when you're angry there isn't a lot of room in your heart and mind for anything else. You lose out on a lot of personal relationships, and the costs are huge.
A few other insights...
1. Let go of the need to "be right". This has allowed me to avoid a majority of the anger I used to experience related to arguments. Being "right" is not so valuable.
2. Learn how to forgive. Dwelling on feelings and thoughts, especially those related to feeling injustice or you've been wronged absolutely consumes your heart and mind. Forgiveness allows YOU to move on with life. It is a gift to yourself, not the person you are quarreling with. I am still not very good at this but recognizing it has helped a lot. Getting to forgiveness is a goal for me whenever I am angry.
3. Meditation helps. I think anger overrides the ability of my brain to process emotion and think straight. Meditating allows me to slow down and clarify the things that are truly bothering me and to get to the root of the situation. I call this pursuit of truth. Whenever I try to empty my mind, the thoughts that arise are acknowledged, but not analyzed. I then breathe and rest with an empty mind for a while and then I will journal and reflect on the thoughts that interrupted my concentration. This has been an extremely valuable tool for dealing with anger as well as many other emotions and decision making challenges.
Best of luck, I know what a beast this is.
I've also enjoyed reading stoic philosophers like Marcus Arelius, they have a lot to say about processing emotion and dealing with other people and their insights around anger are exceptional. Take a read:
I used to have anger problems, anger management and conflict resolution classes failed. Weed, MDMA, Boxing and gym helped and just growing up I guess. I tend to recognize when im about to get angry and just take a mental timeout and breath. A lot of the times it isn't worth it.
Anger
