Joke Thread

[calf]

I went on a date with a permiscuous impressionist. She does everybody.

A man goes to see his psychiatrist. "What's the problem?" asks the Doctor.
The man says "well, I have this dream where I'm a Teepee, then I'm a WigWam"
The Doctor says "You're two tense"

That's the best I have right now.

[Cowperson]

CLEAN JOKES EVERYONE OR MODERATOR WILL DELETE:

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: HELP WANTED Must be a good typist and be good with a computer. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.

The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager. The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you." The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."

The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the darned sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."

Cowperson

[snowdude]

Worlds Smallest Books

The Code of Ethics for Lawyers

The Book of Motivated Postal Workers

Americans' Guide to Etiquette

The World Guide to Good American Beer

Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages

Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction

The Wit and Wisdom of Dan Quayle.

Consumer Marketing Ethics

Al Gore: The Wild Years

America's Most Popular Lawyers

Career Opportunities for History Majors

Detroit - A Travel Guide

Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

Easy UNIX

Everything Men Know about Women

George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names

Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

The Amish Phone Book

Great Women Drivers Of Today

Beauty Secrets by Janet Reno

Home Built Airplanes by John Denver

How To Get To The Super Bowl by Dan Marino

Things I Love About Bill by Hillary Clinton

My Life's Memories by Ronald Reagan

Things I Can't Afford by Bill Gates

Things I Would Not Do For Money by Dennis Rodman

The Wild Years by Al Gore

Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific

America's Most Popular Lawyers

All The Men I've Loved Before by Ellen DeGeneres

Spotted Owl Recipes by the Sierra Club

[calf]

My Life's Memories by Ronald Reagan
Home Built Airplanes by John Denver


Bad taste, yup. Funny, holy crap yes.

[kermitology]

Good one Cowperson..

here's mine..

So I'm getting married next month you know, and it's been really hecktic around the house, with my fiances family being around all the time, so my soon to be brother in law says we should go see a movie. So we decided to go see Lord Of The Rings, it was pretty good, kinda long at the end, I wanted to tell Sam to push Frodo in the stupid moron.. Anyways, we walk out of the theatre and my future brother in law says to me..

"Did you get it?"
I reply, "Get what? It's a movie!"
"No did you get what it was about?"
At this point I'm totally confused, I thought it was about throwing the ring into Mt. Doom.. but whatever..

"It's about marriage!" he says

At this point I have no clue what he's talking about.

"Think about it man, Frodo puts the ring on and all of a sudden he becomes invisible to all of his friends, the world suddenly becomes a cold, dark scary place, and there's this gigantic eye that is ALWAYS watching over him!"

[Mike F]

Life Explained

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[Tron_fdc]

Originally posted by fotze@Aug 20 2004, 08:22 PM
I would put down the most tasteless joke ever but I would be hated by all. Clean but tasteless.

Whatever, man.

THROW IT DOWN!!! I won't hold it against you!!

[Muta]

I'd like to tell one as well, but it's pretty tasteless. I wonder if Mr. Moderator would be okay with it.....

[Resolute 14]

Borrowed from another forum, but I just had to share....

3 hockey fans were on their way to a game when they noticed a foot sticking out from out of the bushes by the road.
They stopped and discovered a nude female drunk and passed out.
Out of respect for the lady the Edmonton Oilers fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast.
Then the Calgary Flames fan placed his cap over her left breast.
Following their lead the Vancouver Canucks fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived he conducted his inspection.
First he picked up the Oilers hat,replaced it,then took down some notes.
Secondly he lifted up the Flames hat,replaced it,then took down some more notes.
Lastly he lifted up the Canucks hat,replaced it,then lifted it again and replaced it.
Finally he lifted it one more time and replaced it.
Meanwhile the Canucks fan was getting upset and finally asked "what are you,a pervert or something?" "Why do you keep lifting and looking"?
"Lifting and looking" the officer asked in bewilderment?
"Well", said the officer,"I'm a little confused because when I normally look under a Canucks hat,I find an a$$hole!"

[Cowperson]

Well, its true, I get these from a Golden Retriever board:

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his
faithful Golden Retriever along for company. One day, the dog started chasing
butterflies and before long the dog was lost.

As he was wandering about, he noticed a leopard heading rapidly in
his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog
thought, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones close by on the ground, the dog immediately
settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching
cat. Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dog exclaimed
loudly, "Boy! That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are
any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halted his attack in mid-stride, and with a
look of terror slunk away into the trees. "Whew," said the
leopard. "That was close, that dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade
it for protection from the leopard. So, off he went. But the dog
spied him heading after the leopard with great speed. The monkey soon
caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans and struck a deal for
himself with the leopard. The leopard was furious at being made a
fool of and said, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going
to happen to that conniving canine."

Soon the dog saw the leopard coming after him with the monkey on his
back, and he thought, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sat down with his back to his
attackers, pretending he hadn't seen them... then, just when they got
close enough to hear, the dog said -- "Where's that **** monkey? I
sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

Cowperson

[Crazy Flamer]

A boy, really wanting a sister, decides to write Santa asking for his help one Christmas. "Dear Santa, for Christmas please send me a baby sister."

Santa replies, "Sure! Please send me your mother!"

[Otto-matic]

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

Yeah that was bad

[spydermal]

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. 'My son,' says one, 'has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.'

The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. 'He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.'

The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

'To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. 'For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates.'

[Bill Bumface]

Lay down the tasteless

Do it

Do it.

[dirk diggler]

> > > > Groaners for the day.
> > > >
> > > > Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
> > > > ---------------------------------------
> > > > A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says,"I'll serve
> > you,
> > >but don't start anything."
> > > > --------------------------------------
> > > > A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry,we don't
> > >serve food in here."
> > > > ---------------------------------------
> > > > A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
> > > > ---------------------------------------
> > > > A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
> > and
> > >says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
> > > > ----------------------------------------
> > > > Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, get married. The
> > >ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
> > > > --------------------------------------
> > > > Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does
> >
> > >this taste funny to you?"
> > > > ------------------------------------
> > > > "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
> > > > "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
> > > > "Is it common?"
> > > > "It's not unusual."
> > > > -----------------------------------
> > > > Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
> > > > Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this
> > >morning."
> > > > "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
> > > > "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
> > > > ----------------------------------
> > > > An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were
> > nothing
> > >to look at either.
> > > > ------------------------------------------
> > > > Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
> > >electron."
> > > > The other says, "Are you sure?"
> > > > The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
> > > > -------------------------------------------
> > > > Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh*t before.
> > > > -----------------------------------------
> > > > A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
> > >cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
> > > > "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks
> > the
> > >dog up
> > > > and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he
> > says,
> > >"I'm going to have to put him down."
> > > > "What!?! Because he's cross-eyed?"
> > > > "No, because he's really heavy."
> > > > ---------------------------------------
> > > > I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
> > >couldn't find any.
> > > > ----------------------------------------
> > > > I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks
> > that
> > >he couldn't
> > > > reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
> > too
> > > high."
> > > > ---------------------------------------
> > > > I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a
> > mussel.
> > > > ---------------------------------------
> > > > Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit
> > a
> > >fire in the
> > > > craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
> > your
> > >kayak and heat it too.
> > > > -----------------------------------------------
> > > > What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
> > > > ----------------------------------------------
> > > > Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bartender
> > here?"
> > > > ----------------------------------------------
> > > > A drunk walks into a bar. "Ouch!" he says.
> > > >
> >

[calf]

Two cows are grazing in the pasture. The first one says to the other "you know, I'm really worried about getting that mad cow disease".

The other cow replies "Yea? Well I don't have to worry about that"
"Why not?" says the first cow.

"Because I'm a duck"

[RougeUnderoos]

Originally posted by dirk diggler@Aug 25 2004, 04:18 PM
> > > > Groaners for the day.

I must like the groaners because some of those were hilarious. The rottweiler and the butcher ones were great.