Marriage out of insecurity

[Pizza]

So a couple of guys in our circle of friends got married in the last year and after a recent night of a case of beer and some rum and cokes, the two finally admitted that a huge reason why they married the girls was because they were afraid they'd be lonely for the rest of their life. They've always had that fear of never finding another girl who'd marry them.

The first guy is a complete shy and anti-social type, and although we're happy that when he did find a girl like him, we got a little worried when he proposed not even a year in. We're starting to see that she's the quiet controlling type. He's not allowed to go to pool halls, limited to only one drink a night and not allowed to play video games. 10 months later, She seems bored with him. She starts going clubbing without him and meets another guy. New guy and her becomes "friends" and starts hanging out with the couple. A lot. Although he wont admit it, you can visibly see that he's bothered by it but wont speak up.

The Second guy isnt as quiet as the first one, but certainly has insecurity issues. The girl he married, although seemingly nice, she is a planner. She has a plan of how he's going to propose to her, how their wedding is going to look, how their house is going to look and the names of their 3 kids. Ever since they screwed up the colour of the vests on the groomsmen, she's been a non stop princess who's always complaining. Fast forward months later and he's grown a backbone and starts arguing back. Now its where its almost every time we see them.


I'm not going to meddle so I'm not looking for advice, but I am curious how a married couple like them would look in couple more years.

Have any friends who are like this and are still stuck in marriage?

[nik-]

You need to meddle with your first friend.

[Wood]

I'm not going to meddle so I'm not looking for advice, but I am curious how a married couple like them would look in couple more years

They won't be a married couple

[Peanut]

Oh god, no! Not a planner!!! Imminent divorce for certain. Planners always die alone.

[4X4]

Sounds like your two friends are already in jail, so they might as well just ditch their wives and hook up with each other.

[Red Slinger]

I think the reason most marriages fail is when people aren't willing to change. No two people are perfect matches for one another and in every case comprimises need to be made by both partners. Based on what I can see marriages fail when one or both are unwilling to compromise at all. It's impossible to say where these couples are headed but it doesn't sound good from your description.

By the way, everyone has insecurity issues to different degrees.

[DuffMan]

Your first friend is a milquetoast. If he actually doesn't do something about this

She starts going clubbing without him and meets another guy. New guy and her becomes "friends" and starts hanging out with the couple. A lot. Although he wont admit it, you can visibly see that he's bothered by it but wont speak up

he is doomed.

[MoneyGuy]

No surprise here. People marry every day for the wrong reasons.

I'd stay out of it.

[JD]

I don't know what age-ranges you and your friends are, but from my perspective, it sounds pretty typical. Out of my circle of friends, I'd guess two are happily married still? Out of maybe 10 couples? We're in our mid-thirties.

All relationships have flaws, presumably because all people have flaws. The trick is being willing and able to overcome them. This usually requires excellent communication so that both parties understand what the issues are. It doesn't sound like this is a feature of either of those relationships. They better get talking, or they'll end up like most of my friends!

[Lobotroth]

What an idiotic reason to get married. "Woe is me, I'm so lonely, better find a woman and marry her straight away." From the sounds of these relationships they rushed into the two guys are probably more lonely now than they were before. Don't let them suck the life from you!

EDIT - I'm not saying your friends are actually idiots, it's just an all too common thing for people to get married out of fear of being alone.

[CaptainCrunch]

Are they fat chicks? Cause thats the only way that this could get worse . . . or better

[Minnie]

I think a lot of people get so caught up in the romance and then the wedding, they forget a marriage comes afterward. There's so much planning leading up to the thing, they forget to do some planning about the marriage - there's nothing wrong with a little planning, because it's ok to have an idea of what's what and what each of you believe and how you think about things. But it can't be one sided. Marriage is work. A lot of hard work, a lot of give and take - including fun, which means he should get some guy time, time for his interests and same for her. But again, there has to be balance and it sounds like both couples haven't found it nor are they much willing to work towards it. Lots of 'have their cake and eat it too' - that never works well for anyone.

However, unless there's some sort of abuse going on, I'd stay out of it for the most part. You could be inviting more drama into your life than you could ever want. I'm not saying cut them out altogether but don't make their problems yours. Just be careful.

[automaton 3]

I think the first guy's marriage is in trouble. A married person clubbing and hanging out with a member of the opposite sex is generally bad news. I personally would not put up with that.

Second guy sound like he will probably be ok, why does he care what the wedding looks like and the house is decorated? He will probably learn to pick his battles like the rest of us old married guys.

[Pizza]

Originally Posted by JD

I don't know what age-ranges you and your friends are, but from my perspective, it sounds pretty typical. Out of my circle of friends, I'd guess two are happily married still? Out of maybe 10 couples? We're in our mid-thirties.

All relationships have flaws, presumably because all people have flaws. The trick is being willing and able to overcome them. This usually requires excellent communication so that both parties understand what the issues are. It doesn't sound like this is a feature of either of those relationships. They better get talking, or they'll end up like most of my friends!

We're all just hitting 30, so mid 30's is the future version of us.

If you dont mind me asking, what happened with each of those couples?

PS. The first guy married a Christian girl... and he isn't Christian and doesnt plan on being one. Could differences in religion make a difference?

[RogerWilco]

Originally Posted by Pizza

We're all just hitting 30, so mid 30's is the future version of us.

If you dont mind me asking, what happened with each of those couples?

PS. The first guy married a Christian girl... and he isn't Christian and doesnt plan on being one. Could differences in religion make a difference?

PPFFFT, religion never matters. No one ever argues about religion.

[habernac]

I went to 5 weddings (including my own) ten years ago. We're the only couple still married. Lots of people making bad choices out there. I called two of the other 4 to end in failure.

[Pizza]

Originally Posted by Lobotroth

What an idiotic reason to get married. "Woe is me, I'm so lonely, better find a woman and marry her straight away." From the sounds of these relationships they rushed into the two guys are probably more lonely now than they were before. Don't let them suck the life from you!

EDIT - I'm not saying your friends are actually idiots, it's just an all too common thing for people to get married out of fear of being alone.

"idiots" would be flattering them. The second friend was a toss up, but the first friend was quite obvious to us that things wont be too rosy down the road. We had that talk with him asking him if he was sure that he wanted to go through with it. Once he tied the knot, we had to back off.

The second friend's best man knew what was coming and we didnt see it at first. After coming out with the best man's honest opinion of the bride to be, the best man got replaced and barred from going to the wedding. It was strange to all of us but now we know what he meant.

We wont ditch them as friends cause they're our friends. We've known them since our college years

[Dion]

Your friend is a doormat who lets his wife walk all over him. Tell him to develop a backbone, stand up for himself and end the marriage. It's only a matter of time before she asks him for a divorce.

I know you don't want to get involved but it seems to me your friend is looking to you for advice.

[Sylvanfan]

Aah, the religious girl who goes bad after marriage. Is she the same age as your friend or quite a bit younger, like say 5 years or more?

Ultimately you better be able to communicate in marriage or it won't work. The couple who argue either make it work, or they'll split and move on, with both knowing full well it's coming. Which is better than the guy with three kids who's wife just up and leaves one day with him not suspecting anything is wrong.

[BBQorMILDEW]

Just mind your business and let nature take its course.


If they're in such dire straights, they'll figure it out. If not, well it's their fault for putting themselves in such a predicament. All you can do is support their decision.