How to deal with horrible inlaws?

[tenyardrambo]

I just got married few months ago. The inlaws are from hell.
They are 'pick and choose' religious, which means they will implement their beliefs when they decide, usually(it seems) whenever they talk to myself/wife.
My wife is like a softie and a punching bag for her parents/siblings. I have told my wife if she doesn't want to do anything with them, just stick up for yourself and say NO. She gets bombarded with texts and calls stating she is selfish, controlled, dumb and many other names.
On the weekends, we sometimes have a bbq and drink a few beer. Because the inlaws saw in the recylcing bin a few beer cans, we are all alcoholics and that I am influencing her into 'sin'. That drinking beer is causing my wife to not act her old self. They stated if we dont stop having beer on the weekends they demand to see all our financial information, pay stubs and go to AA. We buy one 15 pack of beer and it lasts 4-5 weeks. My wife had a small bruise on her leg and apparently I beat her up according to my inlaws due to drinking, this then spreads like wildfire and the lies grow from there. I have been called all names in the book for doing nothing, just living a married life.
Occasionally there will be a random knock on the door to see if we are drinking on the weekends.
This family believes in government freebies. Trying to get into the 'disabled' category when there is nothing wrong with them.

I have told them they are being intrusive and it is pissing me off, yet it only ends in argument. Any advice? lol

[normtwofinger]

What religion are they?

[tenyardrambo]

they go to a community church, so I am assuming non denominational

[rotten42]

....and you saw none of this before you got married?

[Regulator75]

Get a job transfer somewhere and move away.

[photon]

The specific religion probably doesn't matter, crazy inlaws transcend all religions, creeds, languages, and probably species too.

Unfortunately when you marry someone you marry their family too, and a person's interaction with their family doesn't change when they get married. If you were still dating I'd say it's something to seriously evaluate as part of the relationship, but that boat has sailed, so at this point there's really nothing you (meaning you specifically) can do.

Either you (meaning both of you together) accommodate for it (if you want your kids to have a relationship with their grandparents) or you cut ties / move away / etc.

Arguing is pointless because they're not going to change, and you have to be very careful you don't let it drive a wedge into your relationship (i.e. you can't resent her because of her family when you went into things knowing how things were).

Whatever you do your wife should probably lead since it's her family; discuss it with her and decide what level of relationship you want with them, and implement it together. Be polite and don't get drawn into arguments.

If you guys decide to minimize interaction, just be super polite when you shut the door and don't let them come in unannounced, or if you decide to try and accommodate just hide all your sinful evidence.

[normtwofinger]

I'd ask them to show you where in the bible it says that drinking is completely banned. It only talks about drunkenness. I believe it even says drinking in moderation is ok. Then tell them to stfu and chug a beer.

[photon]

Originally Posted by normtwofinger

I'd ask them to show you where in the bible it says that drinking is completely banned. It only talks about drunkenness. I believe it even says drinking in moderation is ok.

Heh, good luck with that. They sound like "True Believers", in which case arguing against their beliefs is going to get you nowhere (though might be entertainment in and of itself). Their beliefs aren't a result of reasoned thought, they're at the core of their identities so challenging those beliefs is the same as insulting their parentage or questioning their humanity.

[TheGrimm]

Just wanted to say thanks OP. I feel a lot better about my in-laws now!

[Smartcar]

Maybe stop drinking? It seems like the path of least resistance given how little you drink.

[DuffMan]

Tell them to Fawk Off, and see if that changes anything.
Drink in front of them, like in their face. If they come to your house, crack a beer and smile.
Refuse to socialize with them. Drop your wife off and pick her up if she wants to. Tell them they are not welcome in your house.

[Flames89]

Plant empty 26 bottles and drug paraphernalia all over your house with heavy metal/satanist themes.

[MoneyGuy]

Tell them you'll have 10 kids and you'll forbid them to see their grand kids. That might help.

Seriously, recommend they talk to their pastor. If he's reasonable, he may advise what they're doing is stupid.

[ernie]

My mother-in-law is into crap like BodyTalk etc. My dad died of cancer and she had asked if she could BodyTalk him and we told her no (at least she asked I suppose). So a few short weeks after my dad passes, the mother-in-law is visiting and while my wife takes a shower she turns to me and says "you know if you guys just let me body talk him your dad would be alive and healthy today". I haven't really said anything more than Hi or bye to here since then.

This summer we had a vacation we planned with some of my wifes cousins and wifes sister. We were all staying at the same resort. Her mom hears about this and literally invites herself. Fine, let her come and see the grandkids etc (note the cousins and what not are from my wifes Dad's side). The mother-in-law was simply unbearable to the point where my wife stopped talking to her and planning anything to do with her. I kept my mouth shut because well I don't talk to her anymore.

Anyways, the last day we were having breakfast with my sister-in-law and we nicely invited the mother-in-law. We happened to have a kid who was extremely tired and just hell to deal with that morning that started to throw a temper tantrum in the restaurant. Being my turn to deal with such things I removed the kid and myself from the restaurant to give the diners some peace and quiet. Kid couldn't get calmed down enough to go back in so we sat in the car (during which time the kid stopped crying and fell asleep). We wait for breakfast to be over, wife and other kid come out, we say our goodbyes and we're off. My wife then gets numerous texts and a phone call about how I ruined the entire vacation for everybody because of taking the kid out of the restaurant on the last day of a 10 day vacation. When i mean numerous, I mean numerous and over several days. Meanwhile we get phone calls and texts from everybody else telling us just to ignore here, that having kids themselves they understood why I took the kid from the restaurant (and were happy that we did) etc.

Neither my wife nor I have talked to her in the last 5 months. Honestly, sometimes that is what is necessary. Some people will never change and my mother-in-law is one of those. So my advice is to simply ignore them BUT make sure your wife knows why you are ignoring them and is supportive of it. I know people say family are family but in the end is the family member is causing you more grief than they do comfort it's time to ditch that family member.

[Bertuzzied]

^^This. You won't have any leverage until you give them grandkids!

hmmm i wonder how my inlaws are going to react when they get back from HK and realizes i moved both their vehicles out of their garage and are storing my some of my comics there now... hehe

[Russic]

I'm with Regulator75... go find a U-Haul and get the hell out of Dodge. I suppose your wife might not agree, but I'd float the idea. You didn't mention what her feeling towards all of this is (pretty big factor).

[Ace]

Seriously, just cut them out of your life. I don't buy into having relationships with abusive people just because they are 'related'. Assuming your wife is on board just take the lead, stop answering calls, the door, quit communicating with them. Best case scenario is they will realize that a relationship with you guys is valuable and they will quit trying to run your life. Realistically though they're not likely to change.

[FLAMESRULE]

^ This. Life is too short to waste it on abusive a-holes. I cut my grandparents out of my life becuase they are emotionally abusive alcoholics.

You need to make 100% sure that you and you're wife are on the same page. I agree with the Photon who suggested you let her take the lead on it since it's her family. However, you need to remember that you and her are a NEW family and do everything you can to protect it.

[Ozy_Flame]

Sounds like they were likely problems before the marriage before, yes?

And if your wife is a "softie", I can't help but think she has suffered some degree of emotional abuse from these crazy folks? That's unfortunate.

This is about the time where you have to man up and defend yourself and your wife, even if it worsens things in the short term. In-laws are like pets - you show them you are the pack leader, and they'll respect you for it eventually.

By the way, are they gypsies by any chance?

[AR_Six]

Reading a couple of the posts in here just renews my appreciation for how awesome my parents are.