I got this new drink called the "Osama Bin Laden". Its two shots and a splash of water!
"After all the talk about caves, bin Laden was hiding in a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they learned there was a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan." —Jimmy Kimmel
"Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'" -Craig Ferguson
NEW YORK — Osama bin Laden's death not only dominated the news Monday, but also fueled a wealth of comic relief, punch lines and unapologetic crowing from TV's late-night hosts.
"You seem like you're in a good mood," said CBS' David Letterman, greeting his "Late Show" audience with a grin. "You folks enjoy the Osama bin Laden season finale?"
Over on NBC, "Tonight Show" host Jay Leno was all smiles, too, as he declared, "It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: 'Yes I Did.'"
"Great news," said Conan O'Brien on his TBS talk show. "The world's most wanted man, Osama bin Laden, is dead. Which means now the official No. 1 threat to America is the KFC Double Double. "It was the first Twitter death rumor ever that turned out to be true," cracked Jimmy Kimmel on ABC.
"Bin Laden is dead!" said "Late Night" host Jimmy Fallon on NBC — "just like the Republicans' chances in 2012."
And on CBS' "Late Late Show," host Craig Ferguson gave extra oomph to his trademark pronouncement, "It's a great day for America, everybody!"
"I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl who just shot bin Laden in the eye," glowed Stephen Colbert on "The Colbert Report," adding, "I hope I am never again this happy over someone's death."
Colbert's fellow Comedy Central host, Jon Stewart, was no less effusive on "The Daily Show."
"I suppose," he allowed, "I should be expressing some ambivalence about the targeted killing of another human being. And yet — uhhhh, no!" Instead, Stewart said, he wanted details. Like, what was the look on bin Laden's face when he realized "the helicopters overhead were not giving traffic and weather updates?"
Letterman's Top Ten, "fresh from the State Department," purported to list bin Laden's final words, which might have been "I'm not sure I want to live in a world where 'Fast Five' is the No. 1 movie," or maybe, "I need a house full of Navy SEALs like I need a hole in the head."
The jokes — and there were many — were focused on a handful of basic themes. Like the courageous Navy SEALs who took bin Laden out.
According to O'Brien, "When he heard about it, former President Bush was furious and said, 'Wait a minute — I could have used seals?!'"
"How about those Navy SEALs?" marveled Letterman. "They jump out of a helicopter and they break into the compound, and they fire a warning shot into his head."
"Well, the good news is," he added, invoking another prevalent theme, "bin Laden lived to see the royal wedding."
"Between the death of bin Laden and the marriage of Kate Middleton and Prince William," Kimmel said, "it's an exciting time to be in the commemorative plate business."
But what will happen to bin Laden in the next life?
Fallon disclosed that the 72 virgins supposedly awaiting the al-Qaida leader in paradise had turned out to be "just some dudes watching 'Game of Thrones' on HBO."
Letterman had another theory: Owing to a screwup in the paperwork, they were 72 vegans.
The comics took glee in lampooning Donald Trump, who, as an undeclared GOP candidate for the presidency, has noisily questioned both Obama's citizenship and college scholarship.
On NBC, first word of bin Laden's death pre-empted the final few minutes of Sunday's East Coast airing of the Trump-hosted reality show, "Celebrity Apprentice."
"This," said O'Brien, "begs the question: How do we kill bin Laden again NEXT Sunday?"
Kimmel observed that, "On the same night Obama was ordering the Navy to kill bin Laden, his potential opponent in 2012, Donald Trump, was busy firing Playmate of the Month Hope Dworaczyk."
And on "Late Night," Fallon impersonated Trump in a sketch, stating that Obama "is so scared of me and so desperate for attention that he felt the need to hunt down and kill bin Laden right in the middle of my show."
Online, much of the comedy reaction revolved around positioning Obama as an action hero. Making the rounds was a picture of a determined Obama and the label: "Everyone chill ... out, I GOT THIS!"
Another photo showed a smiling Obama in sunglasses and suit with the caption: "Sorry it took so long to get you a copy of my birth certificate. I was too busy killing Osama bin Laden."
One of the most popular topics on Twitter through much of Monday was Jack Bauer, the fictional government agent of "24." The Jack Bauer messages typically reflected a pride in the Navy SEALs who carried out the mission.
Steve Martin took his own, pointedly ironic approach to the startling events: "Slow news day," he tweeted.
__________________ https://www.reddit.com/r/CalgaryFlames/
I’m always amazed these sportscasters and announcers can call the game with McDavid’s **** in their mouths all the time.
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"The news of bin Laden's death interrupted this week's episode of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday?" –Conan O'Brien
"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they've granted President Obama full citizenship." –David Letterman
"Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, "I love all living things, but that guy was a dick." -Conan O'Brien
"Osama bin Laden had money and telephone numbers sewn into his clothes. Apparently we got him just as he was on his way to summer camp." -Jay Leno
"After all the talk about caves, bin Laden was hiding in a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they learned there was a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'" –Craig Ferguson
"How about those Navy Seals. We're getting our money's worth there. They broke into Osama bin Laden's compound with 12-foot walls topped by barbed wire, and fired a warning shot into his head." –David Letterman
"Elisabeth Hasselbeck of 'The View' is writing a children's book about Osama bin Laden's death. She wants to write a book to explain the whole thing to children. No title yet, but I have some suggestions: 'The Cat in the Fatwa,' 'Horton hears a Helicopter,' 'Goodnight, ######'" –Craig Ferguson
"Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don't understand why they're so upset. Everyone in Al Qaeda just got a promotion." –Craig Ferguson
"There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans." –David Letterman
"The hot new drink around the country is the bin Laden. It's a Colt 45 and a shot that goes right to your head." –Jay Leno
"Bin Laden was buried at sea. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, 'the ultimate waterboarding.'" –Jay Leno
"The White House says they will release the Osama bin Laden death photo. Better yet, they’re doing it on a set of limited edition commemorative plates." –Conan O'Brien
"What?! Not only did we kill Bin Laden, we killed him in Abottabad! Abottabad sounds like name most New Yorkers would have invented for the fictional place they would have loved to kill Bin Laden." –Jon Stewart
"He was living a half a mile from Pakistan's version of West Point in a town surrounded by retired ex-military officers. Let me put it in New York City terms. Bin Laden was on 21st and Seventh Avenue; they were on 21st and Ninth Avenue. If the Pakistani military academy were Domino's, they would have been delivered to bin Laden on foot." –Jon Stewart
"Osama bin Laden, as we speak, is living with Spongebob in a pineapple under the sea." –Jimmy Kimmel
"He's up to 2,000 friends on Shot In The Facebook." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Osama bin Laden was killed by Navy Seals yesterday. They did DNA testing to make sure it was Bin Laden. Or as I call it, best episode of Maury Povich EVER." –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama gave the order for Navy SEALs to kill bin Laden. When President Bush heard about it, he was really upset, saying, 'I could have used seals?'" –Conan O'Brien
“By the way, 'buried at sea'? means 'dumped in the ocean.' That’s what they did with him. They dumped him in the ocean. Now I won't feel so guilty about peeing in the water anymore when I go to the beach."? –Jimmy Kimmel
"And so, Osama Bin Laden got his first bath in almost ten years. This could the best shark week ever." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Finding bin Laden was like finding a needle in a country that swore it didn’t have needles." –Stephen Colbert
"I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama 'cause his response to every question during the debates will be: 'Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn't it?'" –Craig Ferguson
"President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden has been killed in Pakistan. That's right, bin Laden is dead — just like the Republicans' chances in 2012." –Jimmy Fallon
"It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: 'Yes I Did.'" –Jay Leno
"Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved." –Jay Leno
"Oddly enough, bin Laden's last words were, 'I hope you at least use this to interrupt 'Celebrity Apprentice.'' –Jimmy Fallon
"Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the No. 1 threat to America is now the KFC Double Down." –Conan O'Brien
"Bin Laden was living in a house with no Internet access, which explains why there were all those bin Laden sightings at the Islamabad Kinko's." –Conan O'Brien
"Osama bin Laden was killed by U.S. forces. Everyone on TV has been really happy. Glenn Beck was crying — and then he found out about Osama." –Craig Ferguson
"Looking for Bin Laden was like a 10-year game of Where’s Waldo. Only better because when you finally find Waldo you get to storm his compound and put a cap in his ass." –Craig Ferguson
"President Obama must be very happy because he finally took down his arch enemy: Donald Trump. The bin Laden announcement interrupted 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Craig Ferguson
"Bin Laden lived in this compound in Pakistan with all of his wives for 6 years. So he did suffer." –David Letterman
"I would like us to kill bin Laden every Sunday night. It makes for a much brighter start to the week." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Oddly enough, bin Laden's last words were, 'I hope you at least use this to interrupt 'Celebrity Apprentice.'' –Jimmy Fallon
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Best Bin Laden Jokes
