How important is your relationship with your husband/wife's family?

[sergei_makarov]

I've been thinking about this a lot because of my current situation so I thought I'd get some opinions from random people on the internet.

Everyone's thoughts are appreciated but I'll be especially interested in those that are married or in serious relationships.

To give you some background, I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years now - we met in Victoria where we both lived for the last 6 years prior to last summer. Prior to moving to Vancouver where both our families live, I was almost set to propose to her, but we moved to Vancouver and I never got around to it.

We had a great relationship before moving back but once we did, we were fighting a few times a week over one thing another, and after addressing this, we've cut it down to once a month or so although it still happens way more than before.

Her family is a huge source of her stress in Vancouver as they are not the easiest people to deal with - especially her two older sisters. She's almost always fighting with one sister but fights less with the oldest one because they had a close relationship growing up, although they do still fight because her oldest sister can also be a huge you know what.

Both her sisters recently moved back home to Vancouver as well (after us), so I never met them until our recent move. I met her parents whom I get along great with and they love me.

The first night I met both her sisters, we all went out to dinner with the family. It was pretty daunting in a way since there were two older sisters, one of their husbands and then the two parents. We created as much conversation as one would expect at a first meeting, but her parents carried much of the conversation and I spoke a lot more to them than I did to the sisters and husband.

My girlfriend and I left the dinner feeling good about the meeting.

Found out later that the oldest sister thought I was super quiet during the dinner to her and her husband and mentioned something along the lines of, "maybe he doesn't care to get to know us?"

I was obviously a little pissed to hear this but what angered me more was that my girlfriend changed her opinion of our meeting after the fact and agreed with her sister that I was a little quiet.

Ever since then, because I consider the oldest sister to be unreasonable for making those comments and having those expectations, it's been hard for me to truly be myself around her and her husband. It's like I have my guard up.

Something else that is important to know is that when growing up, my girlfriend was always with her oldest sister, while the middle daughter was a bit of the outcast of the three. Because of this, my girlfriend has always looked up to her big sister and the big sister was always the one that told my girlfriend what to do and how to live.

To this day, I've noticed that when my girlfriend is explaining to me about how her biggest sister is being a ***, she'll follow it up with words in defense of her sister.

My girlfriend recently admitted to me that the reason we fight so much may be because she's angry that her biggest sister and I aren't close. We aren't rude to each other by any means, but we aren't best friends and because my girlfriend has seen how personable I am to everyone else, she knows how I feel.

So what do you think? Is this something that one can live with? When we get together for family parties, etc. I make small talk to her oldest sister and her husband (who I get along with much better), but it doesn't get any where because like I said, I just don't like her older sister to be honest.

Is this something that will eventually become just too much to live with for either myself or my girlfriend? My girlfriend has told me she just wants to see an effort and that she understands her older sister is very difficult, but that she wants me to be the bigger person here and extend the olive branch, since her sister most definitely won't be the one to do so.

[flames85]

I've been in a relationship for several years, and in all honesty if your girl makes you happy nobody should change that. My girlfriends family hates me because we broke up a couple of times, nothing more. They chose that and now we have no relationship, you can't make someone like you, thats what I have learnt. Its a hard thing to really believe but really they aren't the one that you'll be coming home to everyday.

[Yanda]

Your just going to have to deal with it. Down the road after knowing them for 5.. 10.. 25 years it wont matter. You will have been around them enough to just be yourself and be apart of the family.

[albertGQ]

It seems like your GF is always fighting with someone, either you or her sisters.

I think it's always better to get along with the inlaws but I guess it's not necessary

[sergei_makarov]

Thanks for all the comments.

Just to vent, here's an example of how controlling her older sister is:

Girlfriend and I spent the night at a hotel downtown one night. Next morning, girlfriend is showering and her oldest sister sends her a text message. Girlfriend doesn't see it until after her shower, etc. which was about 9-10 minutes after the message was first sent. Her older sister goes off on her saying, "what took you so long to reply? I messaged you 10 minutes ago".

Stuff like that, that really bugs me.

Recently, when we were talking about our arguments, etc. she said that sometimes, when she vents to me about her sisters, she'd rather I just listen and let her vent and not give her my opinion of her sisters and how unreasonable and immature they are being. Basically, she doesn't like to hear me speak ill of her sisters even though she is.

[MrMastodonFarm]

Originally Posted by sergei_makarov

Thanks for all the comments.

Just to vent, here's an example of how controlling her older sister is:

Girlfriend and I spent the night at a hotel downtown one night. Next morning, girlfriend is showering and her oldest sister sends her a text message. Girlfriend doesn't see it until after her shower, etc. which was about 9-10 minutes after the message was first sent. Her older sister goes off on her saying, "what took you so long to reply? I messaged you 10 minutes ago".

Stuff like that, that really bugs me.

That's mental.

[sergei_makarov]

Originally Posted by MrMastodonFarm

That's mental.

That made me laugh.

[I_H8_Crawford]

Originally Posted by sergei_makarov

Thanks for all the comments.

Just to vent, here's an example of how controlling her older sister is:

Girlfriend and I spent the night at a hotel downtown one night. Next morning, girlfriend is showering and her oldest sister sends her a text message. Girlfriend doesn't see it until after her shower, etc. which was about 9-10 minutes after the message was first sent. Her older sister goes off on her saying, "what took you so long to reply? I messaged you 10 minutes ago".

Stuff like that, that really bugs me.

Recently, when we were talking about our arguments, etc. she said that sometimes, when she vents to me about her sisters, she'd rather I just listen and let her vent and not give her my opinion of her sisters and how unreasonable and immature they are being. Basically, she doesn't like to hear me speak ill of her sisters even though she is.

You should have replied for her, something along the lines of "It's hard to text when I'm in doggy-style"

In all seriousness however, I have a great relationship with all of my girlfriend's siblings, and her parents even like me.

[4X4]

Sounds to me like your girlfriend uses her sister as her excuse to pick a fight with you. Pretty sneaky way to get her point across to you, without being the bitch.

[Yeah_Baby]

Originally Posted by 4X4

Sounds to me like your girlfriend uses her sister as her excuse to pick a fight with you. Pretty sneaky way to get her point across to you, without being the bitch.

Voice of experience talking?

[TopChed]

Originally Posted by 4X4

Sounds to me like your girlfriend uses her sister as her excuse to pick a fight with you. Pretty sneaky way to get her point across to you, without being the bitch.

That's genius!

I'm gonna make up a fake person to blame all my fights on.

[bc-chris]

Originally Posted by sergei_makarov

Recently, when we were talking about our arguments, etc. she said that sometimes, when she vents to me about her sisters, she'd rather I just listen and let her vent and not give her my opinion of her sisters and how unreasonable and immature they are being. Basically, she doesn't like to hear me speak ill of her sisters even though she is.

this made me chuckle - sorta sounds like my wife an i!! we've been a couple for over 16 years (married 10+, dated for 5+) and we were friends for a few years before we started dating. in all that time together we rarely fight... maybe only 2 or 3 times over all those years.

my wife learned early in our friendship (even before we were dating) - that if she needs to vent about something and wants it fixed/resolved to come talk to me. if all she just wants is someone to listen, i'm soooo not the guy - ha! ha!


as to your problem - that's tough. part of me thinks you should talk to the older sister and try to resolve the issue - but the outcome could go either way. another part of me thinks you should just ignore it and try to not let it bug you. i know that my sister and i aren't close at all and i'm not sure what bugs my folks more - the fact that we're not close or the fact that it doesn't bother me!

[Nage Waza]

Sounds like all of you need to grow up. Seriously. You are miffed because of a comment about you being quiet? Get over it. You all need thicker skin. Invite the family over for assorted things and get to know them. You only get one chance on this planet, make the most of it.

[V]

My inlaws aren't very big fans of me, they never were. I don't really know why, we just never connected. They're very controlling, too.

That's fine, though. They live in Vancouver, we're out here, so they don't play a big part in our life. And ever since my wife's sister had her husband walk out on her and her 5 kids it doesn't seem like I can do anything wrong with them.

I've always tried to do what I can to get along with them fine, though. They're loaded and old. You never know.

[HOZ]

It sounds like people in Vancouver have a lot of relational problems. Doesn't people in Vancouver do Bbq's? Talk about an icebreaker.

[TylerSVT]

TBQH OP, sounds like your girlfriend is choosing her sisters relationship over yours which isnt a good thing. Having been together for 3 years you would hope that she would have your back in any situation.

I often look at things like this as if the couple were married. If you 2 were married and your sister in law said something bitchy to you, would you expect your wife to stand up for you even in the face of her sister? The answer is yes.

If she isnt doing that, than you need to talk to her, let her know that YOU need her support just as much as she needs to have everyone liking each other.

As almost everyone i have ever met has told me "you can pick your partner, but you cant pick your inlaws" Sure it makes things difficult when you dont get along but its not the end of the world.

Sounds like you need to patch things up with the sister, but you need to talk to the sister too, about how she acts with your gf... if she doesnt listen than shes a bitch and your gf should realize this...

[WilsonFourTwo]

Originally Posted by sergei_makarov

Recently, when we were talking about our arguments, etc. she said that sometimes, when she vents to me about her sisters, she'd rather I just listen and let her vent and not give her my opinion of her sisters and how unreasonable and immature they are being. Basically, she doesn't like to hear me speak ill of her sisters even though she is.

I know this sounds stupid, but you should never, ever, ever, ever, ever directly criticize your girlfriend/wife's family. Never. Not Once. Don't even try.

It's one thing to simply nod your head and agree "Uh huh, yup", but when you directly criticize the family, you're directly criticizing her.

If your girlfriend's sister is a p.i.t.a, tell your buddies, not her. You'll be MUCH happier, and that's a promise.

[Cheese]

you and your g/f need to sit down and have a heart to heart. Let it ALL out. No amount of talking on a message board will help you, it is up to you and your g/f to work it out. IF your g/f cannot find away to support you, and you her, then there is no relationship. You will hang on for awhile but eventually you will simply be bitter and leave....or she will.
Family is not chosen...both of you need to find a way to exist with her family and yours. If that's not possible in Vancouver, and you both love and support each other....move.

[Boblobla]

I bet if you slept with the sister it would improve the situation.

[JDub81]

Originally Posted by sergei_makarov

Recently, when we were talking about our arguments, etc. she said that sometimes, when she vents to me about her sisters, she'd rather I just listen and let her vent and not give her my opinion of her sisters and how unreasonable and immature they are being. Basically, she doesn't like to hear me speak ill of her sisters even though she is.

Your GF just gave you the answer right there. It seems to be really difficult for men to just listen and not give their opinion - especailly when the women is complaining about someone who the guy doesn't like either - but often, all she wants is someone to listen to her. If she and the sister were really close growing up, she might not be able to vent to her girlfriends, as they might be friends with the sister too.

Besides - it's a natural instinct to be protective of your family. Think about your family - surely someone in your family (or a close friend) drives you crazy at some point. But - even if that same person drives your GF crazy for the same reason, if she is constantly reminding you that she doesn't like that person and that person drives her crazy, it's going to get to you after awhile.

It might seem like a double standard for her to complain about her family - and then not want you to - but really, it's her family, she can say what she wants - but at the same time she still loves them dearly.

As for dealing with the sister - I would suggest killing her with kindness. Be nice to her, be your fun, caring self, remember her birthday and continue to grow your relationship with her husband. Even if the sister nevers really warms up to you - your GF will notice the effort and appreciate it.