Dealing with a friend's abusive partner - Calgarypuck Forums - The Unofficial Calgary Flames Fan Community

Cole436 · 01-23-2017, 06:15 PM

Hey CP

This is a bit of a heavy topic and I'm hoping that I can get some advice.

A good friend of mine divorced and remarried this past year to an American and they've moved to the states to start their marriage. We've been very close for years and I had a lot of red flags about this man she married since nearly the beginning of their relationship. He's a 10+ year veteran and seems to suffer from severe PTSD and she had told me many times before she moved to the states that he was manipulative and emotionally volatile. Despite a lot of concerns she went ahead anyways.

Her personality has drastically shifted in the last few months to become very defensive, righteous, and very much in line with the views I knew her husband had. An incident happened in the past few days over social media (in one of the calmest and most polite political discussions I've ever seen) where it became very apparent that he is attempting to alienate her from her friends in Canada. At one point he stated "She has become something better" now that she's with him. She was told by him that her Canadian friends were talking down to her because she's an eastern European immigrant, and only he has her back.

I can't get into too many more details due to privacy, but our group of friends is fairly certain that there is some pretty serious emotional and verbal abuse that's happening. And it makes it very hard to deal with when she's thousands of miles away from any of her friends and family.

I don't know if anyone has experience with this issue, but anything would be helpful.

Mazrim · 01-23-2017, 06:30 PM

I would suggest you consider calling the Family Violence support line (310-1818) and seeing if they have any specifically targeted advice that could help you and your friends get a better handle on what's really happening.

http://www.humanservices.alberta.ca/...ing/15666.html

For you and your friends to get a full idea of what's really happening will likely be slow and time consuming, but hopefully you can get some tips on how to get this information discreetly and carefully. All I can say is I'm grateful you care enough to reach out and try to do something. Many wait until it's too late as it can be extremely awkward to try to do anything in these situations with people who don't want or feel they need any help. Good luck.

DuffMan · 01-23-2017, 07:06 PM

You should tell her your concerns, all of you, that's about all you can do.

afc wimbledon · 01-23-2017, 07:54 PM

If you are up for it then you let her know she can come and crash at your place for as long as she needs too any time.

Tell her on the phone, not by text, that could get her a whallop, but let her know you hope you're wrong but you are worried about her and if you aren't wrong and she needs out she can come straight to your place.

CaptainCrunch · 01-23-2017, 08:33 PM

You have to be really cautious in this. First and foremost, if he's trying to seperate her from her friends, he's going to be absolutely monitoring her communications with the outside world, and that can cause a lot of problems.

Because of your geographical difference there's not much you can do without putting her in harms way. You can try to talk to her, but chances are he'll find out.

On top of those things she has to absolutely want to leave and make a commitment to breaking things off.

The first thing you should do is look for woman's shelters in the area and call one of them and talk to them about your concerns and see what they think and what can be done.

Whatever you do at this point, do not call the police, do not do anything that is going to up his suspicious nature and his volatile nature.

The worst thing that can happen is the cops show up and she tells them out of fear that she's fine and nothing is happening, because at that point, its over and she'll never be able to leave.

Cole436 · 01-23-2017, 10:19 PM

Thanks for the help everyone. I really appreciate it. It's been a really hard issue to deal with and I'm really grateful for the CP community in times like this.

OldDutch · 01-23-2017, 11:34 PM

My only advice is to seek guidance as posted above from a crisis centre or womens shelter. Find experts in this and find a way to help. I have shared this before but my best friend murdered his fiance and took his own life. She left him and he couldn't take it. Never showed violence before, he just snapped.

Despite him not showing violence previously, I have some regret I could have done more. I have made peace with it, but what I tell others is try and do something. I can't tell you exactly what, but please find an expert to get advice. This sounds like a man who could do what my friend did. Yes some will say I am over reacting, but better you lose a friendship trying than her lose her life. Good luck.

DoubleF · 01-24-2017, 09:52 AM

Figure out a way to maintain communication even if it means being kind of a pretender?

Never been in your situation before, but merely theorizing on top of some of the advice already posted here. I maintain friendships with a few friends that are alienated by friends. On occasion, I've found that such a bridge can help towards reconciling said friends back into a group. Maintaining communication is important. I don't know how it might be achieved, but don't let contact slip away.

Sometimes, someone has to be the one who maintains communication. This could involve perhaps "brown nosing" and "being on her side" sort of thing while other friends keep up the "all against them charade". If everyone just backs off, she might feel alienated and not feel like approaching the group if she wants out (so to speak). But if everyone keeps their opinions, then she might be the one to back off. It's a fine line. But if everyone is all of a sudden cooperative to the "plight", it's weird and she/he may know something is up and recede.

Obviously professional help is far superior to everything else mentioned here, but maintaining that line of communication and maintaining a seemingly normal interaction is probably important too.

afc wimbledon · 01-24-2017, 01:11 PM

The best thing you can generally do in situations like these if the person hasn't admitted there's a problem is just say you think there's a problem, in the nicest, non pushy way you can, this applies to drugs and anything else.

You're not trying to persuade them they have a problem, you are trying to let them know not to be embarrassed to reach out to you for help when they are ready to open up about what ever it is.

OMG!WTF! · 01-24-2017, 02:35 PM

Nothing you've described in your post is illegal. She can turn into a stark raving Trump lunatic and that might put off her right thinking liberal friends. But that's life. He probably is controlling and manipulative and a complete dork. But that doesn't mean she's in danger. When you've got something concrete then by all means light your hair on fire to help her. In the mean time I think you've missed the point. You're suggesting vets with PTSD are dangerous. That might be a better place to start...

http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/where-to-get-help.asp

Among other sources.

Cole436 · 01-24-2017, 04:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OMG!WTF!

Nothing you've described in your post is illegal. She can turn into a stark raving Trump lunatic and that might put off her right thinking liberal friends. But that's life. He probably is controlling and manipulative and a complete dork. But that doesn't mean she's in danger. When you've got something concrete then by all means light your hair on fire to help her. In the mean time I think you've missed the point. You're suggesting vets with PTSD are dangerous. That might be a better place to start...

http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/where-to-get-help.asp

Among other sources.

If that's what you heard you've missed the point of my post... She can have whatever political views she wants. Again as I said I'm leaving out a lot of details because of privacy. There's been a lot of incidents and red flags indicating emotional and verbal abuse. This was however the most blatantly public one. I'm not here to discuss whether she's being abused or not but to find support to help her.

OMG!WTF! · 01-24-2017, 05:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cole436

If that's what you heard you've missed the point of my post... She can have whatever political views she wants. Again as I said I'm leaving out a lot of details because of privacy. There's been a lot of incidents and red flags indicating emotional and verbal abuse. This was however the most blatantly public one. I'm not here to discuss whether she's being abused or not but to find support to help her.

Emotional and verbal abuse is nothing you can help her with. You can't call the cops. You can't convince her she's good enough to deserve better. If he's threatened her, stalked her, fraudulently represented her financial interests then you've got something. If he's physically abused her then you already know what to do. What you have right now is an amateur diagnosis of vet with PTSD. If you want to help her, call the VA. I know they have programs that mandate he come in for counseling and analysis. Your friend can get on board as the family member who initiates it without having her identity disclosed. Typically it's not easy to convince abused people to leave. Helping him is probably the best bet to fix something.