Straw Poll: Hated/loved for who you are

[FLAMESRULE]

Just interested to see what peoples thoughts are around this...

Would you rather be hated as the person you really are or loved as the person you are not??

For me its "hated"...I'd rather be true to myself and be able to look at myself in the mirror every morning and know that I'm being honest with myself and acting / doing what I think is right regardless of what other people think. I'd never want to live my life as a lie or pretend to be someone that I'm not or incapable of being.

This has come into really sharp focus for me over the last 2 months and I'm interested in what others think...fire away!!

[troutman]

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts

[Notorious Honey Badger]

What is this, the jersey shore?

[Sliver]

Originally Posted by FLAMESRULE

Just interested to see what peoples thoughts are around this...

Would you rather be hated as the person you really are or loved as the person you are not??

For me its "hated"...I'd rather be true to myself and be able to look at myself in the mirror every morning and know that I'm being honest with myself and acting / doing what I think is right regardless of what other people think. I'd never want to live my life as a lie or pretend to be someone that I'm not or incapable of being.

This has come into really sharp focus for me over the last 2 months and I'm interested in what others think...fire away!!

I think if people are hating you for who you are, it is possible you are not likeable (not you in particular, just in general). It's important to be likeable, which doesn't mean you have to lie or "not be yourself." Also, doing what you think is right regardless of what other people think is how psychos are born. You live in a society and I think you need to be sensitive to the needs/wants/feelings of others to a degree or your own happiness can be harmed. It needs to be done assertively and you don't want to be a door mat, but doing your own thing and others opinions be damned is not a good way to live IMO.

[Maritime Q-Scout]

why can't you love me for being a sarcastic jerk that would give you the shirt off his back?

Rather than hate me for being an arsewipe, or love me for being a good guy?

[Lobotroth]

Surround yourself with people who can love you for who you are. You can't expect the entire world to like you and vice versa, just try to be diplomatic in unfavorable situations and don't let people get you down. Sliver touches on some good points.

[Table 5]

Stop beating around the bush and tell us the backstory.

[Rathji]

Originally Posted by Maritime Q-Scout

why can't you love me for being a sarcastic jerk that would give you the shirt off his back?

Rather than hate me for being an arsewipe, or love me for being a good guy?

Mirror, is that you?

For me, I don't care what people think about my personality. I tend to alienate extended family (read: In-Laws) due to my very blunt and sarcastic nature. These same people also realize that i go out of my way to help them every chance I get.

What I do care about is doing the right thing. My wife has this plaque that kind of sums it up that says, "Be true to who you are and the name that you bear." For me, that means who cares what some random person thinks about me, if I can go home and tell my wife/kids/parents/friends what I have done and not be ashamed of it, then I am doing a good job.

Screw everyone else.

[flamesfever]

Originally Posted by Rathji

Mirror, is that you?

For me, I don't care what people think about my personality. I tend to alienate extended family (read: In-Laws) due to my very blunt and sarcastic nature. These same people also realize that i go out of my way to help them every chance I get.

What I do care about is doing the right thing. My wife has this plaque that kind of sums it up that says, "Be true to who you are and the name that you bear." For me, that means who cares what some random person thinks about me, if I can go home and tell my wife/kids/parents/friends what I have done and not be ashamed of it, then I am doing a good job.

Screw everyone else.

How are you helping your In-Laws by being blunt and sarcastic to them?

[Cheese]

“You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.”
― Winston S. Churchill

“To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.”
― Aristotle

“Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.”
― Winston S. Churchill

[Huntingwhale]

I can't run the fastest
I can't swim the sea
I can't type the quickest
but I love being me

I can't kick a ball
or even climb a tree
I can't roll in the grass
but I still love being me

You see, this is my life
as others would see
they don't know what it's like
to really be me

So next time I'm about
rolling down the street
don't think of me disabled
but someone cool to meet

I have lots I can teach you
I have loads I can share
you will never gain my wisdom
if you just point and stare

So maybe I can't run the fastest
maybe I can't kick a ball
but I wouldn't change being me
not for you, not at all

[FLAMESRULE]

Agreed on being diplomatic, acting like a ######bag, etc and not turning into a sociopath...I would consider my personality quite normal / average. However, there are certain times when you need to show a backbone and not relent to the guilt / shame or other emotion that people will use to try and "force" you to change your mind because it would be easier on them.

Backstory: Grandpa is a drunk + emotionally abuses lots of people in his life including his wife and children. I finally had enough and said I'm done with them in my life and wont be attending any functions they are at becuase I do not condone their actions or behaviour. Cue family onslaught that this is the worst decision ever. I would never be able to look at myself the same if I give in too family pressure because I feel very strongly that something needs to change to stop the abuse. I dont feel ashamed for it at all, however, getting martyred sucks and it would be much easier to relent.

[Pacem]

Yeah, im not a very well liked person. Well, its more like it takes awhile to get to know me and once you do, people generally like me, lol. Im absolutely horrible at first impressions. I cannot think of a person close to me that i've made a good first impression with. My wife was not impressed the first time we met, thats putting it mildly. The story of how we met is not very flattering for me. Pretty much everyone close friend of mine thought I was a complete jerk. A friendship that dates back to junior high... we almost got in a fist fight the first time we met, now we've been friends for like 17+ years. It is something i'm always trying to work on. Aparantly I always have a scowl on my face, lol. Doesn't help im so sarcastic and blunt. I am who I am, and i'm trying to be more positive. I have surprised many people by helping when it was neeeded even if it wasn't asked for. If your a friend of someone who is close to me, even if I don't like you, i'll always help with whatever I can. The people closest to mean the world to me.


I have a small circle of friends that i'd help at the drop of a hat, and they would do the same. Its been proven repeatedly thru our friendships over the years. I'm okay with that untill they we all start dying off, then I have NFC what i'll do, lol. Grumpy old man on the porch?

[Rathji]

Originally Posted by flamesfever

How are you helping your In-Laws by being blunt and sarcastic to them?

I thought it was obvious that I meant that as 2 separate things.

I am blunt and sarcastic with everyone, that's just how I am, sometimes my in-laws take offense because they are not accustomed to it. I also go out of my way to help these same family members in whatever way I can. For example, a couple weeks ago, I drove to Red Deer and spent the afternoon fixing broken smart phones and laptops for my sister in law who could not have otherwise afforded to get them fixed.

[flamesfever]

Originally Posted by Rathji

I thought it was obvious that I meant that as 2 separate things.

I am blunt and sarcastic with everyone, that's just how I am, sometimes my in-laws take offense because they are not accustomed to it. I also go out of my way to help these same family members in whatever way I can. For example, a couple weeks ago, I drove to Red Deer and spent the afternoon fixing broken smart phones and laptops for my sister in law who could not have otherwise afforded to get them fixed.

I don't doubt the charitable side to your nature, but are you not giving on one side and taking on the other, in terms of lowering a person's self worth by being blunt and sarcastic to them? I can see this being particularly harmful when dealing with children.

[Lobotroth]

Originally Posted by FLAMESRULE

Backstory: Grandpa is a drunk + emotionally abuses lots of people in his life including his wife and children. I finally had enough and said I'm done with them in my life and wont be attending any functions they are at becuase I do not condone their actions or behaviour. Cue family onslaught that this is the worst decision ever. I would never be able to look at myself the same if I give in too family pressure because I feel very strongly that something needs to change to stop the abuse. I dont feel ashamed for it at all, however, getting martyred sucks and it would be much easier to relent.

Has anyone agreed with your decision? It's not always (usually never) easy to stand up for what you think is right especially when it concerns family. I think you've done the right thing in this situation, it's possible other family members have noticed the same issues but are too afraid to say anything, in time they may see eye to eye with you.

[flamesfever]

Originally Posted by FLAMESRULE

Agreed on being diplomatic, acting like a ######bag, etc and not turning into a sociopath...I would consider my personality quite normal / average. However, there are certain times when you need to show a backbone and not relent to the guilt / shame or other emotion that people will use to try and "force" you to change your mind because it would be easier on them.

Backstory: Grandpa is a drunk + emotionally abuses lots of people in his life including his wife and children. I finally had enough and said I'm done with them in my life and wont be attending any functions they are at becuase I do not condone their actions or behaviour. Cue family onslaught that this is the worst decision ever. I would never be able to look at myself the same if I give in too family pressure because I feel very strongly that something needs to change to stop the abuse. I dont feel ashamed for it at all, however, getting martyred sucks and it would be much easier to relent.

The way I would look at, is you have set a boundary i.e. you are not going to participate unless the abusive behavior stops. Your actions may entice other family members to also set boundaries with regard to your grampa's behavior. There may be other issues involved like enabling etc. which need to be addressed.

[Rathji]

Originally Posted by flamesfever

I don't doubt the charitable side to your nature, but are you not giving on one side and taking on the other, in terms of lowering a person's self worth by being blunt and sarcastic to them? I can see this being particularly harmful when dealing with children.

If someone does something that pisses me off, I tell them. If someone asks me my opinion, I will give it to them. If someone doesn't ask my opinion, I don't give it to them.

If they want someone to hold their hand and tell them everything is all right and they are good people, then they shouldn't be talking to me.

Just to clarify, since you brought up kids, this doesn't apply to them. I am talking about people who are my peers or people who otherwise have normal conversations with me in the course of my daily life. I assumed that was the context the OP made his post in and wasn't complaining about children in his life hating him because he was a jerk.

[Cowperson]

Originally Posted by FLAMESRULE

Agreed on being diplomatic, acting like a ######bag, etc and not turning into a sociopath...I would consider my personality quite normal / average. However, there are certain times when you need to show a backbone and not relent to the guilt / shame or other emotion that people will use to try and "force" you to change your mind because it would be easier on them.

Backstory: Grandpa is a drunk + emotionally abuses lots of people in his life including his wife and children. I finally had enough and said I'm done with them in my life and wont be attending any functions they are at becuase I do not condone their actions or behaviour. Cue family onslaught that this is the worst decision ever. I would never be able to look at myself the same if I give in too family pressure because I feel very strongly that something needs to change to stop the abuse. I dont feel ashamed for it at all, however, getting martyred sucks and it would be much easier to relent.

Family and friends are on the same level as far as I'm concerned. "You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family" isn't necessarily true on a practical level.

There are lots of relatives I wouldn't associate with in normal circumstances so why would I associate with them just because somewhere in the dark past we apparently have some random connection through someone else's loins?

Once you move out of your home area, its easy to ignore the one's who deserve it and keep in touch with the one's you like.

And by the way, a bunch of them are probably categorizing you the same way.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Live happy.

Cowperson

[Sliver]

Originally Posted by Rathji

If someone does something that pisses me off, I tell them. If someone asks me my opinion, I will give it to them. If someone doesn't ask my opinion, I don't give it to them.

So if you have an opinion about something that you know will hurt them in some way, and telling them won't help them at all, would you still give your opinion? If so, I probably wouldn't want you around either. Little white lies to people are necessary, I've found. Especially if your default opinion is negative (mine often is). I get along way better with people if I keep my negativity to myself and am more positive around them. CP is where I let my negativity shine.