[CaptainCrunch]

So I know long past bump, but I think that maybe what I've learned and its on the extreme end might help someone.

So last we talked, we had gotten my mom into memory care, and my dad into independent living in the same facility, and I thought I would be able to relax for a bit. I mean dealing with the banks is a nightmare even with the right power of attorney, etc. I literally want to punch the person running this file in the face. "What do you mean you want my mom with dementia to sign an affidavit that it was her signature on the power of attorney. She has dementia, the fact that you made her sign your bank's power of attorney when she was not in right mind is almost criminal to me". Again do your paper work ahead of time.


Anyways back to my lesson. The problem with my dad is even with my mom in memory care he felt he was the primary caregiver even though he'd signed that away. He spend 8 hours a day with my mom in memory care, disrupted the staff, disrupted my mom from doing the memory care programs and basically became a point of contention with the staff at the resident to the point where I went in and tried to lay down the law. "No dad you are no longer the care giver you are a visitor and that's it", "Dad you need to limit your time with her so she can do the program work to help her". Instead he started manufacturing crisis after crisis.

Now this is personal, but I want to be honest and share because if frankly I can give some nugget of advice to save one of you from the nightmare of stress and anxiety that I've gone to that lead up to me spending several days in the hospital with a heart rate of 150 and fainting spells that almost made me pray to die just so this could stop.

Anyways, after my confrontation with my dad that ended up with him shouting at me I was tempted to tell the facility not to let my dad visit my mom. I left the facility. I had no answers, I needed a break.

That Friday, my Dad walked out of the facility, threw his keys in and vanished. Now to be fair he was living there in independant living, which means he's basically renting an apartment, getting fed and housekeeping and taking part in activities which he chose not to.

My bad, I misjudged the situation.

Anyways, my Dad vanished, the facility didn't call me for a couple of days. I frantically searched and on Sunday called the police for help. A couple of hours later, my Dad phoned me from a hotel on Macleod trail asking for help, he sound manic and sick. So I rushed down and found my Dad in the hotel. He had swallowed 60 Tylenol max pills and was extremely disoriented. I gave him no choice and rushed him to emergency.

Now to my surprise, while swallowing that many Tyenol might not kill you, they will certainly cause chaos to your liver. They rushed him in and admitted him. And I sat beside him for a full day, angry, resentful, terrified. This was the reason why my sisters really wanted nothing to do with him at all, because it causes too much stress and chaos.


In talking to the really professional nurses and workers in the emergency room, I told them in no certain terms that after talking to me Dad there were three suicide attempts. two pill incidents and one and I noticed a deep cut on his arm an attempt to slash his wrist.

Having lost a close friend to suicide about two years ago, I explained that my Dad was a danger to himself, I felt like I was betraying him, I felt like I was going outside of the family circle. But they admitted him to psychiatric care, and he was going to stay there until it was determined that he wasn't a threat. At the same time, I had to deal with a seniors facility that felt that he was a massive disruption and actually hurting my mom inadvertently. For about the last month or so, my life has been in turmoil and I was emotionally wasted. My sisters tried to support me with advice, and honestly I lashed out at them, it wasn't advice that I needed it was a break, and emotional respite, help that was going to be late in coming.

Anyways, I did get one sister on board. We went back to the seniors facility and talked to them about bringing my Dad back. they were lovely but they set ironclad rules. He had to go from independent living to assisted living (a lot more expensive). so they could monitor his medication and mental state. He had to meet with a director of wellness everyday to engage in activities, and to limit his visits to his wife, my mom everyday. That he was going to report spirals and mood changes, and someone would look in on him and support his condition. Also before he was released back into their care, he had to meet with the Director of Care (Who is lovely and awesome) every morning and live up the conditions.

So about a week ago, after spending a month in psychiatric care. And I won't go into how frightening that environment can be. We returned him to the seniors facility. I am happy to report that so far, he is living up to their conditions, and engaging in activities, and reducing time with my mom to about an hour a day, and he's not the caregiver, he's just a visitor.

Now, he's still really kind of sad, on one side, he's seeing the radical slide of my mom into dementia. She's becoming non communicative, she can get aggressive, she tires easily, and doesn't recognize anyone consistently. Its heart breaking on all sides, and we need to prepare for that day when she's entirely gone.

So after this story, here's my advice.

1) If you have to put a family member into a facility, don't forget about the person that's acted as a care giver, whether its a husband or wife or whatever. They have probably been the long term care giver for a long time, and non of us know or sometimes the trauma that they've gone through.

2) Even if you think you have an ideal solution that you think you have. Dad in the same facility as mom. Its not that easy, unless you can convince them that they have to let things go that they're used to doing. Feeding, clothing, hygene etc. They can't let it go.

3) Learn about the signs of depression, and suicidal intent. I thought after talking to my Dad about the gash on his risk, where he insisted that he was in a dark place and that he was past it, well, don't believe it, get help, don't treated it as a family thing. None of us are capable, and you will spend nights with no sleep wondering if you handled it right. (Hint, likely not).

4) Make sure that you get supports for the former caregiver family member. I have a social worker from AHS visiting him to talk once a week for now. The director of wellness meets with him everyday. There's the altzheimer society that can give support to care givers as well. find a way to remove the burden from yourself, and frankly engage professionals. Theirs also the non emergency helpline that's staffed by really excellent people to talk to.

5) As angry as I am, and yes I am still really mad at my dad for the turmoil, you have to get help for yourself, but you have to do the right thing and listen to the professionals. When I was dealing with the psychiatrist when my Dad was in care, I remember at one point when she said, its time to think about discharge, that he wasn't showing signs of hurting himself, that I lost it. I said he was a great actor, that he had done this before, there's no way you can release him. I literally fell apart to my own shame. At that point she just listened to me and said that right now its about getting my dad support and getting him into a more stable and positive environment, and that I'm allowed to be mad and stressed and there's help for that, but to realize that my Dad was suffering and old and traumatized and sad, and if we didn't all work together that we would be back there again. So listen to the professionals. and find them if you need them. At one point after one late visit with my Dad, I stopped and pulled over on the Glenmore and stared at the river, you know the one, and thought about how much it would be easier if I could just end it, no more stress, no more racing heart. No more endless fatigue. But I did reach out on my sisters request to one of her friends who is a Social Worker for help. I just needed to talk and learn coping tools and boundaries.

So to that, I say, set boundaries. I told my Dad if he didn't get with the program and the facility decided he had to go, that I would help him move, but then I was done and we the kids couldn't consent to him seeing my mom.

When he got back to the the resident, I set a strict visiting time for him twice a week, and he would have to engage in actives and find friends, and if he starts spiraling that he had to report it to the LPN on duty. That way I couldn't dread getting 1 am calls.

On my mom's side, gain an understanding of dementia. How to deal with a person with severe dementia and talk to them. Learn when to leave, when they get tired or agitated or angry.

Anyways, the last section is this. I'm sure some of you have said to yourself when reading this nonsense. "But Captain, you seem so normal here". Yeah, one thing I've learned is that I'm good at compartmentalizing myself, and I'm even better at lying to myself. I love Calgarypuck, its a great community, and debating and posting is like a respite for me. There are really times when I write a triggered response, then stare at it and ask the question. Am I mad at the poster, or am I lashing out? Then I slowly delete the post and start over again. But I tend to think that between CalgaryPuck, and coaching football, has given me moments of sanity, and really calmness.

If I can help any of you with dealing with the utter hopelessness of dementia and its effects on you, or anyone else, I'm happy if I achieve that.

As always, if anyone wants to chat . . . I'm here.