My public transport tragedy.....I think I will need therapy after this one. I have relayed it so many times that I am starting to pick up a flair for humour with it, but let me tell you at the time nothing was funny about it.
October 17th, 2000. I am in Ecuador, leaving the armpit of the earth QUITO (ecuador's capital). I amreally excited to leave regardless of the mode of transport. I was on the local bus, which cost like a buck for the entire 400km drive....I should have known.
Well since I am much too big to sit in a normal seat I had my guide move me up to the very front seat of the bus. No biggie I thought, until I realized that the bus intended to stop for every person on the side of the road, EVERY PERSON. The bus was so packed that people were sitting on armrests and standing inbetween passengers seated and the window. We are talking a hundred people on a 60 person bus.
Most brought their work with them, and in Ecuador most people are farmers. So bringing their work with them on the bus meant chickens, pigs, dogs, and giant bags of produce that were bigger than the owners.
Then in one middle of no where place this old lady (in her 60's by my estimation) gets on with her son who was in his 20's. Now before I describe the son let me say that he had Down Syndrome and was obviously not at fault for the state he was in. I honestly don't think he knew better and looking back I feel sorry for someone like him, although at the time I wanted him to be gone.
The place is packed so this kid sits down on the steps right in front of me. He is gross, his hair is
greasy, he has snot pouring down his face, he has a cough, zits, patches of hair on his face, and he stunk. I would say he was unkept, but that would infer that at some point he was kept (and in my mind that fact is in doubt). No biggy as the kid is on the stairs. Then we stop for another passenger and I look away. I didn't fit into the seats at the front of the bus so my legs were spread apart; the way most guys sit when seated.
When I look down this creature has snuck directly inbetween my legs. My initial reaction was to jump back in my seat and look down at him surprised. When I did that I noticed that the dirt in his hair wasn't so much dirt as it was lice and other bugs crawling around, and that he smelled much worse up close. I was wearing a pair of workout shorts and boxers underneath (note, I also had my FC tshirt on). He was close enough to me and the road was bumpy enough that his head may touch me if I wasn't totally anticipating his motions. I was terrified that one of his lice, with my luck a pregnant female, would jump onto my leg and live in my leg hair, or worse - make its way up to my crotch. It was terrifying. The local lady sitting beside me was so scared she climbed up in her seat with both feet up off the floor and looked at me like I was supposed to do something.
Then the gross part happened.
This kid got bored sitting in the bus for the long trip, so he started to entertain himself. This involved collecting copius amounts of runny snot on his finger/hand and eating it. Sometimes he would rub it in his ear or on the floor before eating it. There was so much snot coming out that I think a ShopVac wet dry vaccuum would have been in order. There was also a pole right in front of him that people would hold onto when getting on the bus. He saw this and decided to include it in his buffet. He would rub snot on his hand, or saliva, and then rub it on the pole. At that point (HONEST TO GOD) he would lean forward and lick the snot off the pole. Someone saw this and gave him an orange, but he quickly discarded this for the pole. I wanted to die.
This went on for over 2 hours. I wanted to move, but the bus was too packed. I wanted to climb over people to get back to my tour group but it was literally impossible to move. I started to panic. At that point this kid saw my right leg. He reached for it with a snot coated hand. I batted his hand away with my water bottle, and this was an apparent signal for some type of game. He became more persistent and eager to rub snot on my leg (in some attempt to tenderize it before giving it a good licking). The lady beside me screamed once or twice (seemingly on my behalf). His mother looked back uninterested (story of this kids life) once but that was it. I never hit the kid hard or even firmly with my water bottle, but I did have to start batting him in the head with it.
The other people positioned around me were watching in sick fascination. Here was Gringo Grande
seated in the front seat of the bus with some sort of creature trying to rub snot on him. They kept waiting for my reaction. It was terrible.
Then by the grace of God the road was washed out and we had to stop whilst the tractors shovelled it off. This meant I could at least not worry about his head bouncing into my leg and getting lice on my genitals. I could concentrate my efforts on warding off his advances on my leg. The bus coming from the other direction of the washout actually sank in the mud and had to be towed out. Our bus driver took this as a sign that our bus was too heavy and opened the doors. I swear to each and every one of you that God does listen and waits for your deepest and darkest hour before acting. This was a miracle and God answered my prayers. I was out of that door in a flash, showing speed never seen before from a 250 pound (at that time) dude. I ran to the far side of the washout and said a silent prayer and gave thanks to the creator.
When we got back on the bus I walked to the back and squeezed into the seat I had originally booked.
The guy whose seat I took never made it to my seat at the front and was giving me attitude for a while. I didn't care as the adrenaline in my system would have let me kill any 10 people on that bus at that time, and I never actually saw where the pole licker got off the bus, but he did.
If I never go through something like that again, my life will be a success. I don't think that I will complain about subways for a while, perhaps never again.
So the moral of the story is, if in Ecuador, look into spending an extra 5 bucks in getting a transport thats considered FIRST CLASS (meaning they won't stop on the side of the road), or better yet hire a 4 seater plane to take you where you need to go.
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