Mines pretty damn low. Work has been hell, with unclear expectations and don't really know what I do now after a reorg just occurred months ago. This is after a long period of anxiety with amount of work I had with no support from my leadership to get resourcing to support.
This is definitely the most toxic environment I've ever worked in. I don't do well in uncertainty, and every time I asked before nothing was done so I feel like I've just given up. I can count on two hands how many time's I've talked to my boss in the 13 months I worked here. At this point I am going to get on leave for a while to get my mind right and work on figuring out why I do stupid coping mechanisms when I am all alone (alcohol) and do self destructing behavior which has greatly impacted my relationship with my wife, family, and friends.
I am not sure what the underlying issue may be.. it's really impacted my life for about a decade now, like inadvertently thinking I'm not good enough when alone which leads me to do all these things. I feel like every time I have raised to this others (friends, family) it gets blown off so I really held on internally afterwards for a long time until some kind of blowing up event that leads me to spiral, go on a bender, and it's a cyclical pattern.. I signed up to go talk to a therapist and a psychiatrist to figure out what the hell my issue is and try to figure this out. In all reality, my life is pretty good. Though my mind is fixated as 'not good enough'.. like I'm always chasing something and not happy with how things are in the present time... ever. It's been this way since forever that I can remember.
If anyone can figure out, I'll be grateful because I hate living life in this continuous pattern and fear my wife won't give me any more chances.
|