Well, this was indeed a fun read after (another) fight with my wife. Weirdly, though, it was encouraging to hear that other people are going through #### as well. It makes me realize I am not the only one.
I won't get into my mess at this time (Narrator: but he does get into his kyit anyways), but I am on meds and they are literally keeping me alive, along with the fact that I have two daughters. The f'ed up thing about mental health is that it convinces me that people would be better off if I were gone. The rational part of my mind realizes this is not true, and things like the billy-bob post (which I am not strong enough to listen to right now, but I am pretty sure what the message is), and what my therapist tells me about the effect of suicide on survivors. Although my wife has told me that her life would be easier if I were not in it, it would still probably count as a net negative. Who else would take out the bins?
The worse things get, the more I think about it. I was in Home Depot and saw a coil of rope for like three bucks and thought, 'That would do the trick.'
If I miss a dose for 1 day, the thoughts come raging in.
I left my hellish job in August and started another one in September. After 3.5 weeks, they told me I was not the right 'fit'. This was after 6 months of interviews, assignments, tests, and all kinds of bull####. When I told them I would not be registered with a client's company that was associated with the family of a total piece of #### who is currently running a crypto scam (and demolishing the east wing of a famous house, among many other shtty things), they told me I was not a fit. Probably a bullet dodged, but FML.
Now I am trying to figure out how to pay the bills. I have been in my industry for over 20 years, and I don't know if I can work for another narcissistic #######. The industry is replete with them; they think they know everything when they actually don't know #### all and don't realize it until the bell tolls for them and the regulators come calling. Most execs in the industry are #######s. Most advisors, too. Slava seems like an exception that proves the rule.
Anyhoodles, another reason I am still around is my therapist. She has been working with me for about 3 years now. She does specialize in PTSD and works with many cops and firefighters. She is also pretty down-to-earth. She may recommend journaling, and for some people, that really works (and as much as we all may bitch about that we are doing a fck ton of it in this thread, and on this site), but it is not the only arrow in her quiver. It has taken me this long, with her help and guidance, to realize how messed up I was from my childhood and my parents' total lack of parenting skills. In a weird way, it has allowed me to forgive them, to a certain degree. But I am also seeing that how I grew up had a massive impact on who I am now and the tools I have to manage my emotions —or lack thereof. (As an aside, from this vantage point, I can totally see that she knew the path we would have to travel, but that I had to take the steps myself. She was very patient in allowing me to determine the pace, even though it must be irritating as hell for her when she must want to yell at me, "This is your problem, this is why you have it, and this is what you have to do to fix it!!' Clearly, she never did.)
Here is her website. I probably should not be sharing this, as she is hard enough to get into as it is, but it sounds like a bunch of you could use her help.
If you do see her, keep in mind it might not be the right fit for you, and that is okay. I think she is my 3rd or 4th, but I am very grateful I kept trying.
https://highergroundcounselling.ca/