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Originally Posted by V1nnyTh3Flam35Fan
I’ve asked my uncle (a doctor) to write up requisitions for psychiatrists to prescribe me antidepressants but no response.
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Is this uncle your mom's brother or your dad's? I think you should leave family out of this as much as you can, when it comes to seeing a psychiatrist - siblings to our parents often end up being used as "flying monkeys" whether they're aware of it or not. If your mom is aware that you've asked for his assistance, she may have spoken to him herself and told him to ignore the request. I'd go through my GP if possible.
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FYI for context a few minutes before I made this post, I got into another argument with my mom regarding my motivation to improve in time for PEBC exam this May. She accused me of abusing the long weekend for breaks when I should be grinding to study constantly.
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Your mom can pound sand. Breaks are vital to every part of this. You cannot pour from an empty cup, as the saying goes - breaks give you some time to "touch grass" as it were and that is necessary.
Your mom doesn't sound like she's scared, as someone mentioned, at least not in the traditional sense. What she's scared of, is losing control of you/over you. This is my mom too.
When I moved out at 18, 2 weeks after graduation, my mom lost her ####. I had to make all the arrangements in secret, because had my folks found out, I might not have survived that. As it was, when my friend came to pick me up, mom went absolutely ape (I'd chosen a day I knew my dad would be away from the house) and attacked me, physically - to the point that my friend had to get in between us and push my mom off. Kids are supposed to move out, it's not abnormal. But, she wouldn't have control over me anymore. She wouldn't have an outlet for her rage. The last time she physically attacked me, I was 30. I got attacked for having had the temerity of having an opinion of my own & then speaking to my husband on the phone, to work through what had just transpired, verbally (she was cruel/rude/ignorant). She came flying down the stairs while I was on the phone with him (the kids & I were visiting them, hubby was at home several hours away, because he was working) and started punching/slapping/pinching/kicking me, all whilst screaming her fool head off. I finally hauled off and let her have it back with as much force as I could muster - it was the only thing that got her off of me - it was the first and last time I ever touched her in that manner - and also the last time she ever laid a hand on me. I was a grown adult, a mother myself, with 3 kids but she felt entitled to my personhood. I was to be a carbon copy of her/my dad and I was not.
We have not spoken since 2011 because the abuse and toxicity became too much and I was not going to survive it. My youngest niece is getting married in 7 weeks and we cannot even go to the wedding, because my mom has informed anyone who will listen that she is going to attend just so she can "have it out with me and put this to bed, it's high time Minnie stops this nonsense and we get back to being a family." That was her response when she found out we were thinking of attending. We won't now, because I won't allow her to make my niece's wedding about her - it's not the time nor the place and frankly, there will never be a time or a place. My niece understands and is sad we can't come, but she is well aware of what her grandmother is like.
Your dad sounds pretty passive in all of this, for the most part. You mom is the aggressor. I know how hard all of this is, and you have a learning disability on top of it. Please, keep reaching out to get help with this. It's really really REALLY hard, I know it is, but don't let them tell you that you can't do this without them. You already WERE doing it without them - they didn't get the job, they didn't decide to test to further their career - YOU did that. It was hard, but you did it. You're so close to having your own life, please please please don't give up on that dream.
Try lists. Start small - write down 3 things you want to accomplish that day and work towards completing them. They don't have to be big dream items. Just as simple as "get up 20 minutes earlier today", "get the garbage collected this morning instead of tonight", "be sure the cat has food and water." Small, easily accomplished tasks. Maybe just do the 3 things for a couple of weeks. Then increase it to 4 things, and continue with 4 things for another couple of weeks - again, they don't have to be big things - hell, make one of them "live and breathe today" because even if that was all you did in a day, it's still an accomplishment and frankly, a big one. People like us, who have cPTSD (and you do), well, living and breathing through another day is a big deal because then we know we can do it and we will do it again tomorrow. Anyway, slowly increase the things you want to get done in a day - and make sure there's some fun stuff in there, things you enjoy or want to try to see if you enjoy them. I love sitting at the table early in the morning before everyone is up, in silence, having a cup of coffee and watching the wee birdies at my feeders. I also open the window and take some deep breaths, because I love that dewy smell of the world in the early morning - it reminds me that despite everything that my parents did to me, that they tried to do to me, I came out on top and I am still alive - I had 5 attempts because I didn't think the world needed me. I was wrong - I have an entire world who needs me. Those deep breaths in the early morning remind me every single time, that I walked through those fires and I MADE IT.
Journaling it like that gives you a chance to go back through and see your progress and what you accomplished, no matter how "small" it was and no matter how big it was. It's something to take pride in, because YOU MADE IT another day.
It's not much to offer, but I'm sending you a virtual hug. You can do this. Please do this. You ARE wanted, you ARE needed, you ARE important, and you ARE loved. You are.