I hope you are doing well. Your story sounds so similar to mine.
My mom is a toxic parent. She physically, emotionally, and verbally abused me growing up. Depression ensued. Addiction has been a constant problem in various forms that I'm still fighting. She wielded financial control.
I almost failed out of university. I engaged in self harm and ended up in the psych ward. Endless amount of counselling ensued. The loneliness was unbearable.
Even after leaving home and becoming financially independent, the verbal abuse continues. I somehow managed to graduate, become a "professional", get married and have a daughter. You wouldn't believe the number of times my mom has called my wife a whore. By most standards, I'm successful. I've been asked numerous times how I managed to become who I am despite the upbringing. I don't have an answer for that.
The point of all of the above is that you just have to keep struggling. Get free counselling if you cannot afford it. Find a way to leave the toxic environment. Set really tiny goals like getting out of bed and brushing your teeth. I know how hard it is to want to do anything but keep fighting.
PM if you ever want to talk.
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