[CaptainCrunch]

I'm well versed in being the disappointment of the family. I grew up with 3 sisters, two of whom were serious over achievers, one became a well known doctor in her field, one because a well known lawyer in her field and both travelled the world. My oldest sister was a free spirit, she was a bit of a criminal growing up, but when she straightened out she became something that my parents were really proud of turning around .


For me, I threw in the towel on competing with my sisters early on. I didn't find much in school that was interesting to me enough to put the effort in. History, Biology, English, I was better then average, everything else I kind of bombed at, probably setting school records for low marks. I was also a introvert, I didn't get along with my sisters, mainly because I was the youngest and my parents were never home. So I took a lot of abuse physically and mentally. My dad wisely set the rule "Boys don't hit girls", and the girls knew that and abused it.


Looking back my parents both had issues, my dad was raised in an incredibly broken family and was homeless from 16 into his 20's. My Mom looking back was really depressed all the time. Our house was from the outside to our neighbours, but inside it was anything but.



My story is similar to yours Vinny, looking back on it, I think I was learning disabled. I couldn't keep up, and I didn't find that sheer force of will until later.



My parents didn't know how to handle my low marks, or the fact that I just wasn't interested in anything at all for very long. My Dad came up with the all time hurtful lines "If you were ######ed I'd be proud of you". My Mom when I turned 17 would put signs on my bedroom door counting down the days til she could throw me out of the house. I couldn't find common ground with my parents, and they for a while resented me and I resented them. I scraped by in school, and I just became determined to get out of school alive. Other kids would bully me, and I would take it out on them.


I was probably on my way to a life of menial labour, not that there's anything wrong with that. or Food Services.



But what saved me, was when I joined the army out of spite for my parents. Yeah, I joined as an ultimate F you, and when I left the house I told my parents that they wouldn't hear from me again. I was good in the army, I found a passion in it, I got to do interesting things every day, and slowly the knots in my head began to untangle.



And no this isn't a recruiting ad.



My biggest regret was that I didn't stay in it. But at that time, the Army didn't pay well, the government sneered its nose at it. Though I got to see a bit of the world.



When I left I still had a bit of that directionless. I worked some warehouse jobs, but then decided on my own that I had to do something different, and I went back to school, and it was totally different, I didn't have the same pressures. I didn't have my parents berating me over my grades and my lack of initiative. I really started enjoy learning and more of those knots in my head untangled.



When I got done and got my degree, I actually had my parents tell me they were proud of it, but our relationship remained guarded for a long time . It was worse between my Dad and me then my mom in me.



But I learned more from friends that people aren't perfect, and that was true with my parents. I think they pushed me so brutally because frankly my Dad was an unloved kid who thought he had to be tough, and my Mom when you say back and looked at it, had some mental issues and couldn't deal with them, and took her frustrations out on me.



She wasn't evil, she wasn't cruel, nor was my Dad, they just didn't know how to deal.



Thank god I realized that, so I could do what I do when my mom went through that awful journey with Dementia, and my Dad really struggled with it and needed help, and I could be there though it wasn't easy.



Things aren't black and white when it comes to family it never is. But in your case, I think its best that you get some separation, When someone is beating down on you mentally for your own good, its actually for their own good. And its killing you, and its killing your spirit, and its killing your ability to tackle life.



Hey working towards a career in pharmacy, that's an amazing thing, and I'm sure its not easy. Find your drive in that.



Tell your mom or anyone else that is telling you that you're worthless or a disappointment that they're not helping and you love them, but you can't deal with it and its hurting you and your going to take a break.


And reading your last point, please get someone professional to talk to, there might be something more then one thing, and you need to talk it out.



Your doing good Vinny, you just need to get someone to help you realize that your good.



Story mode off.