My finances are in shambles, but I'm a risk-taking entrepreneur. I knew going in that the chance of this happening comes with the territory. I've been up, I'm down now. This could've happened to me at any time, but it's happening now.
I've never BK'ed a business, but I have now. I've never been sued so much in my life, I know a lot more about a lot more in that arena. I've never been less capable of learning or feeling motivated (I never ONCE thought about this being true about myself). I've never had less faith in myself or interest in life. I have zero idea what to do or try next, as my previous endeavours all end in fat ass Ls. This tells me more about what I suck at than giving me any hints about what I might be useful for. This is pseudo-useful insofar as I remain able to stay motivated or coming up with new stuff to try, but that's gone and it feels so foolish to not attempt to compound on what I've already invested time and sweat into.
Despite how intense and enduring these negative feelings have been, I have to keep believing that they'll wear off eventually. It's scaring me a little that they aren't. I've beefed on meds and therapies before, don't need to repeat that rant. I also don't need life to tell me yet again that things happen the way they need to, and usually don't make sense until you have the benefit of hindsight (if ever)... so I'm doing what I can every day, resisting taking on new commitments until I can wrap my head around what's happened, what it means about me, and where I might fit in the world.
It feels difficult to recover socially and community wise. Not so much because of Calgary, but my own urge to isolate and process the automatic negative thoughts that live rent free in my head.
It FEELS difficult to recover economically living in Calgary. That may end up looking laughable in another 5 - 7 years, in fact, I have to keep this mindset or else the other battles I'm fighting in will overwhelm me and I will lose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sylvanfan
I don't know if this is the place, but hearing a lot of stories about people taking their own lives these past couple of days. Which is absolutely terrifying to me. [...]
But if finances or other stress are leading people to dark places that is scary. Please reach out to people and think about what you'd leave behind. [...]
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scrambler
[...] Using current paychecks to pay mortgage and inflation, not saving much of anything now, just breaking even.
The savings from before I have in relatively stable investments, and a portion in more volatile things like crypto (doing much better than 2022 in that regard).
I hate my job and I have almost no respect for my employer. Yet at 43 with 5 & 9 year olds and my wife as a homemaker, the thought of re-education, pivoting into something else feels too risky, so I stay in misery with the job I have.
Education doesn't seem to guarantee any tremendous income prospects making that idea even more discouraging.
I consider unlaliving myself quite a lot. That's nothing new really, have felt that since I was a teen. But it's more troubling on my mind than it's ever been before. Only thing that keeps that in check are my wife and kids, leaving them like that would put an unreasonable burden on them.
And so, I just keep keeping on I guess.
Always hoping that things will get 'better again' but the pessimistic (realistic) part of my brain kicks in. Back to speaking on finances and current economy, I think my kids generation is going to have a really hard time compared to now.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dissentowner
It's the damage I would do to my kids that keeps me going. Otherwise I would have ate a bullet by now and I would have been happy to do it! Body shattered now, broke by the end of the first week of the month, no light at the end of the tunnel, popping pain pills like they are fn Pez. Actually, I probably couldn't even stand anything if it were not for trying to get info for this board and the community here so I owe CP a debt of gratitude. What a fn life...
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The story is too common. I've lost too many young male friends to this over the years. I understand them. I score consistently over 30 on the HAM-D survey. I also think it's my kids that have stopped my mind from going to ideation or attempt, but it often tells me how the world and my kids would be better off with me out of it. I'll catch myself daydreaming of how I'll die young.
Things like this will happen... I was riding a bike last summer with my wife in Edworthy park. We were getting to the bottom of the hill near the at grade train crossing and the timing was PERFECT for me to accidentally wobble my way into the path of the oncoming train. Boom. Term Life Policy pays out and my wife and kids are taken care of financially and don't have a depressed loser setting the tone. My brain noticed this and had those thoughts in a matter of microseconds. I felt that I had to put energy into NOT doing it in that moment. My mind used to offer up little glimpses of "hey, see this thing that's not happening? that would be a great service business" or "hey, remember how you always wanted to have a thing that did _____? look at that thing over there, it would be easy to adapt it into a way to get _____ done, let's try it!". If I am fortunate to get one of those old, constructive realizations, the ANTs kick up with "you'll find a way to f that up, too. Here's seventeen ways you've already f'ed up in the past and have yet to fix that about you, in fact, it might be part of your disability so you'll probably NEVER fix it. Hahaha! A-hole! Oh, here's a different set of seventeen ways you could plausibly f up just in case you were feeling inspired! Come back again if you need more reasons!"
So yeah... thinking about what you'll leave behind is keeping people like us around. Here's three examples in different circumstances who are doing it, by focusing on who would be affected negatively. But this isn't exactly stable, and feels tenuous every day. There is no way I'm not causing harm to my kids through providing an example of functional depression as a role model (lord knows what else they pick up on that's in my blind spot). We have to want to heal and move on from this for ourselves, and I can say that for me that is where the line is. I'll do enough to not severely harm my children, but I can't pull it out of the dirt enough to want something better for me. I've learned somewhere along the way that I am not worth it, that I am a net negative value to those around me.
Essentially all that I feel like I have left to look forward to is somehow clear my debts before I die, maybe crawl out of the dark enough so I can spend time with my wife alone without being steeped in shame, maybe be sought out by my kids for advice if/when they hit similar rough patches (or see it through long enough that they never do experience them, ideally). Glory be. What happened? Can "the economy" or "my finances" really explain all this? Super doubtful.