Quote:
Originally Posted by Erick Estrada
I'm heading into that stage myself. My wife and I have been together 30 years and my boys are in their mid-late teens so I kind of feel like I've lost my purpose as all the plans I had set for retirement, etc are up in smoke. It just feels weird starting all over again at a time when I thought I was nearing the finish line.
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My marriage ended during COVID and I would offer some thoughts based on my experience so far:
- When you get divorced, even if it is the right thing, you mourn the life you thought you were going to have. In addition, it hurts when the person that picked you to share their life with, unpicks you, even if you are also unpicking them. But it’s important to acknowledge it and deal with that reality
- I find what I miss the most is having someone to share experiences with. And that can blindside you at odd times. When you have a funny moment, and there’s no one there to share it with. Or when you are out and see happy couples/families. It can smack you suddenly and painfully out of nowhere.
- There is also a real fear of being alone for the rest of your life. Dating in your 40s is not easy. More on that below.
So it sucks. No way around that. So here are some things I’ve found help me:
- Re-committed to regular physical activity. The gym is my meditative space
- Re-initiated regular social contact with more people. And not being afraid of being the person to initiate that. Most of your friends are likely married and/or have kids. So they may be less likely to initiate. So take the step. Make it happen. I think a lot of men become isolated in their marriages (at least I did), so I’ve now proactively re-strengthened a lot of friendships.
- Have a hobby. Something you enjoy. Perhaps something you used to enjoy but didn’t have time for. Now you may. Get back at it.
- Try dating when you are ready. The apps though can make you feel worse about yourself. There is a lot of toxic behavior. I’ve enjoyed speed dating more. You have to talk to someone for 8 minutes, and that’s better for me.
Getting divorced is the most stressful thing I’ve dealt with. I’ve not even talked about the financial stress it places on you. That’s a whole other part of this.
I’m always available to talk to someone who is struggling with this. I don’t have all the answers, but we can talk about the questions together.