Quote:
Originally Posted by Cali Panthers Fan
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As for the other stuff, I do try to focus on positives, and I'm often the one reminding my wife of that when she starts to get overly negative. I usually have a pretty healthy outlook on life. I think I'm just in a holding pattern, and that bums me out. I'll be taking care of my kids for at least another 12 years before they leave for college. I've sort of hit a plateau at work, and I don't expect a lot of upward mobility or change in the future. I don't really want to do more either. It just means I will probably get really bored doing the same thing for the foreseeable future. I don't have a hobby other than working on the occasional massive lego kit. I don't have any close friends living here. Plenty of casual friendships and acquaintances, but that's it. Most of the men my age love to go out golfing, but I can't stand golf, and so there's not many opportunities to make new friends. I don't seem to have a lot of shared interests with men my age.
I have a great wife. We have a great relationship and are quite close. My kids are great (if not a little annoying sometimes), and my family in the area are all good people who support our family unit well. We are very well set financially, and I don't think I'll ever have to worry about money long term.
Again, I don't have much to complain about, but I find myself often bored. Suburban life is comfy, but a little dull. I don't have any major interests to keep me occupied these days, and I don't have a lot of friends to just hang out with. Life is about work and family duties, and that's about it. I don't see that changing much anytime soon. Hence why I'm bummed out.
I try not to complain too much because I know so many people have it worse off than I do, but I still feel the way I feel. Just not sure what to do about it.
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To me this is such a good post because it's packed with such relatable problems. There's no single answer to any of it, but some things that have helped me:
1. Anytime I catch myself saying something along the lines of "and this is how it'll be for a long time", I stop and ask if that's perhaps a depression or low grade sadness speaking. Keep in mind humans are
absolute dogs*t at forecasting the future, but we feel the opposite. Jobs, marriages, the entire world... it all changes, so it's worth at least considering that those thoughts about the same thing forever are potentially incorrect.
2. The parent/child relationship changes over time. Sometimes your role is to wrangle them like they're drunk all the time. Sometimes you're a chauffeur. Sometimes you're a life coach. The older my kids get, the more I realize the stages never last as long as I thought they would, and some are more fun than others (depends what you're into). It's completely OK to absolutely hate certain stages with every gram of your being.
I 100% shared your "I guess I'm supporting these kids for 12 years until they move out" thought, but then they became more independent/interesting, and suddenly my mindset changed to "oh it changes." I don't know how to express how profound I found that, but it certainly helped with my relationship towards them and myself.
3. Men are much more likely to have their spouse as their best friend, which tends to put us in a bit more of a vulnerable position when life changes in unexpected ways. I know it's not going great right now on that front, but I do think trying to make connections is a pursuit worth continuing.
4. There's nothing wrong with admitting that you've got some things to complain about. I feel we easily get wrapped up in a cycle of "well we're healthy and wealthy, so I'm not allowed to be upset." Everybody has things they can be pissed about, and sometimes acknowledging them can be the first step in moving past them.