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Originally Posted by Erick Estrada
Not really a gear grinder but a bit of a disappointing day for me. I have an aunt with terminal cancer that's in hospice living her final days. She has no children or husband so I am the next of kin and executor of her will because she and her sisters don't get along. My parents are still alive so I have never had to deal with this type of thing before so it's been a real life experience. I have been with her since the first day diagnosis, at the Tom Baker center for the treatments, to where we are today at the hospice. I and my siblings have done our best to visit her, and be there for her but today she notified me that she has started the MAID process and it kind of caught me off guard. I have to respect her decision but man I'm not really down with my aunt whom I'm fond of being put down like an animal as I struggled dealing with putting my cat down. If she passed away naturally it would be one thing but when you put a date on it it becomes more grim to me for some reason. I know it's not about me and that I should respect her decision but man it kind of bums me out.
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Just went through the cancer thing with my mom. Start to finish was September 2022 to May 2023. I'm the opposite of you. I was heartbroken when she tried that third round of chemo that fkd her up so bad after it was all but set in stone there was no way out or back to a healthy and worthwhile life. I was hoping she would opt for MAiD, but she wanted to keep fighting and I just supported her (like what you're doing; I didn't suggest MAiD...just went with what she wanted).
Ultimately, she made a mistake to try that last round of chemo. It resulted in so much suffering, another awful surgery and wasting away in somewhat of a hysteria for extra weeks. After she was essentially in a coma I pleaded with the hospital staff just to give her a final push over the edge to end her struggle, but obviously they can't do that. It was a nightmare. They figured she'd last a day or two, tops. Went on like that for 10 days.
I don't understand what informs your take on MAiD. Religious, maybe? IDK...I can't relate to wanting a prolonged suffering.
And it is treating her how we treat our pets, I guess, but when you put an animal down it is precisely because they're terminal and suffering and we don't like to see that. It's humane.
I think it's equally merciful and humane to allow your aunt the option to use MAiD. We're so lucky here to have that option.
I was in Arizona in August 2021 to take care of my uncle at the end of his cancer journey. Same deal as you - no kids, I was the executor, we were quite close, etc. He told the hospice team (it was an inhouse hospice situation where he got to stay home) that he wanted to plan to depart on X day. They basically laughed and were like, 'wouldn't that be nice!' I'm thinking, 'yeah, it's super fkn nice...too bad a red state wouldn't let that happen'.
Anyway, all that is to say I think your aunt has made the right decision. You may never know, but what you have seen so far in her journey has preceded the worst part that is still to come: for her and for you. MAiD will limit her suffering and your heartache. I get that it is hard to accept that, but those final weeks/month or so with cancer - in my experience - are the absolute worst.
Sorry you're going through all that. The executor part sucks balls, too, but the good part is you sort of have a list of things to go through and you work through them. Once you start ticking things off, the weight starts to lift.
If you haven't had the tough talk yet about passwords and logins (banks, social media, bills, etc.) it's good to get that over with in one shot. There are a lot of resources online for what you'll need to do, but some of it is a bazillion times easier if you can get her help now.
I have seen a sort of reverse-nesting thing with people dying. They can feel unburdened as you take things off their plate, so it's possible this conversation will give her some peace. It did with my uncle and with my mom. They felt good to leave things manageable and organized.
Anyway, best of luck through all this. It isn't fun, but it gets better with time.