Originally Posted by SeeGeeWhy
A lot of this is learning late in life I have ADHD, realizing what that actually means, and then was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I just don't know how to take care of myself very well given those facts.
Things that used to feel intuitive and natural to pursue, I now look at through a filter of doubt where I wonder what my disabilities are preventing me from seeing, or if my urges are old (bad) habits flaring up.
This is a very difficult epiphany to have when you're already a grown ass man with dependents, debts and promises. Waking up one day, realizing how incompetent/immature you actually are.
So... what turned it around? I've been quite fortunate to get support from some expected and unexpected sources. Your social network really does make a difference. Having the diagnoses... as hard as they have been to accept at least give me a fighting chance to reset, humble myself and try to rebuild.
I HAVE to do things like limit access to the internet, drink less coffee, stay away from booze and weed, because I see how I was using those things to access dopamine that my body does not produce on it's own like normal people. I am not a normal person, and it is hard to change to fit societies expectations, or find a little niche in the world where it's actually okay to just be what I am. Again... fitness. I am a mental misfit for our norms, and honestly I'm quite vulnerable to the games that get played out there. This CRUSHES my mental health. It takes SO MUCH energy to hold awareness of these things and act accordingly.
Having stimulants have helped with the energy and discipline problems. Embracing the reality that I need unfocused, creative time to recover from focused time to prevent fatigue or burnout has been really big.
Not neglecting exercise has been super hard as I get older and more pain is on the other side of most movements. Adapting how I put my mind and body under physical stress has been one of the strangest aspects of this journey. But... move every day is a must.
I did an Ayahuasca ceremony in BC with some old friends this summer, which immediately broke my depressive symptoms. I was not expecting that at all. I went in wanting to melt my ego, and meet my fears. I came out feeling worthy of life and love, and much less negative self talk. I came out remembering how important it is to sing and move to literally vibrate the stress out of all the parts of your body. Amazing, amazing medicine.
Therapy still hasn't and continues to not be very effective, but I'm still trying to build adult-grade organizational and self-management skills. Its a matter of survival. This does make me sad, though, and makes me feel like I'll always be behind in a world that just seems to be moving faster every day. It is physically painful to manage a calendar, or learn a new stupid update on yet another MS Office tool or low-code SaaS piece of garbage that still requires a huge amount of organizational capabaility to set up before using.
I haven't even touched on how messed up my financial situation has become going through Covid, and I have no one to blame but myself. This one is really hard to accept. I may never really "recover" or be in a good place, but who knows... I'm kind of a prince of magic beans and am a pure Albertan... I swear I won't piss away the next windfall (if it ever comes).
So... not a 1-2, but not an 8. It's a journey.
Be kind to yourself, rest, and keep moving. There's always a move, even when you think there aren't any left.
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