Originally Posted by SeeGeeWhy
4-5, up from a 1-2 at the beginning of the year so that's positive.
So, my mental FITNESS for the environments that I have been in was poor. I was not well suited for success in these places. That led to a tremendous amount of bad feelings and stress, which contributed to severe downgrades in my mental and physical HEALTH. That gap... between what I am suited for and what I've been trying to do... had been in my blindspot for my entire life. I think mostly because I was able to do well enough with school tests that I had convinced myself I was smart, and had the tools to be mentally, socially and emotionally fit for most circumstances I would insert myself into. What a huge error.
The result is that coming out of these tumbles, I'm struggling like hell to understand what value I can generate or contribute to self and others.
I've made a lifetime assuming risk and responsibility, and in hindsight this was likely an unconscious coping strategy that I was using to generate motivation to DO things, and it caught up with me.
My kids and life milestones with my wife this year kept me motivated to keep holding on, but I've stared at the suicide clause in my term life insurance for hours at a time in many of the darkest moments. They're pretty much the only things I have energy to dedicate to anymore, or generate the only sense of feeling like I'm doing anything well up until they also hit their struggles and then I just feel like I've cursed them with many of my own shortcomings which makes it all feel so much worse.
A lot of this is learning late in life I have ADHD, realizing what that actually means, and then was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I just don't know how to take care of myself very well given those facts.
This is a very difficult epiphany to have when you're already a grown ass man with dependents, debts and promises. Waking up one day, realizing how incompetent/immature you actually are.
I HAVE to do things like limit access to the internet, drink less coffee, stay away from booze and weed, because I see how I was using those things to access dopamine that my body does not produce on it's own like normal people. I am not a normal person, and it is hard to change to fit societies expectations, or find a little niche in the world where it's actually okay to just be what I am. Again... fitness. I am a mental misfit for our norms, and honestly I'm quite vulnerable to the games that get played out there. This CRUSHES my mental health. It takes SO MUCH energy to hold awareness of these things and act accordingly.
Having stimulants have helped with the energy and discipline problems. Embracing the reality that I need unfocused, creative time to recover from focused time to prevent fatigue or burnout has been really big.
Therapy still hasn't and continues to not be very effective, but I'm still trying to build adult-grade organizational and self-management skills. Its a matter of survival. This does make me sad, though, and makes me feel like I'll always be behind in a world that just seems to be moving faster every day. It is physically painful to manage a calendar, or learn a new stupid update on yet another MS Office tool or low-code SaaS piece of garbage that still requires a huge amount of organizational capabaility to set up before using.
So... not a 1-2, but not an 8. It's a journey.
Be kind to yourself, rest, and keep moving. There's always a move, even when you think there aren't any left.
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