[SeeGeeWhy]

4-5, up from a 1-2 at the beginning of the year so that's positive.

I'll try to articulate the difference between my feelings, mental fitness, and mental health as I write this as a few have certainly touched on some distinctions being helpful.

The last 3-4 years have exposed me to levels of stress I've never encountered which burned me out. I never thought I could have a breaking point like that. They also exposed me to extreme levels of narcissistic abuse, which it turns out, I am quite susceptible and vulnerable to. Another fun surprise. Still coming out of that burnout, still working on developing better tools to protect and cope with these things.

So, my mental FITNESS for the environments that I have been in was poor. I was not well suited for success in these places. That led to a tremendous amount of bad feelings and stress, which contributed to severe downgrades in my mental and physical HEALTH. That gap... between what I am suited for and what I've been trying to do... had been in my blindspot for my entire life. I think mostly because I was able to do well enough with school tests that I had convinced myself I was smart, and had the tools to be mentally, socially and emotionally fit for most circumstances I would insert myself into. What a huge error.

Further to that, it feels like Covid made me less competent mentally, but I lack the words to describe how. As in having Covid literally made me dumber. Now, this could just be greater self-awareness of my own limitations and accepting my track record of failures as what they are - a pattern with me as the common denominator. Another hit to mental health AND fitness.

The result is that coming out of these tumbles, I'm struggling like hell to understand what value I can generate or contribute to self and others. Fear of failure is not something I normally suffer from, and this is close to that. It's more like... fear of an inability to recover from another failure. I suppose there isn't much difference between the two as both prevent a sense of self-worth or confidence from forming and both reinforce an inability to act.

I've made a lifetime assuming risk and responsibility, and in hindsight this was likely an unconscious coping strategy that I was using to generate motivation to DO things, and it caught up with me.

My kids and life milestones with my wife this year kept me motivated to keep holding on, but I've stared at the suicide clause in my term life insurance for hours at a time in many of the darkest moments. They're pretty much the only things I have energy to dedicate to anymore, or generate the only sense of feeling like I'm doing anything well up until they also hit their struggles and then I just feel like I've cursed them with many of my own shortcomings which makes it all feel so much worse.

A lot of this is learning late in life I have ADHD, realizing what that actually means, and then was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I just don't know how to take care of myself very well given those facts.

Things that used to feel intuitive and natural to pursue, I now look at through a filter of doubt where I wonder what my disabilities are preventing me from seeing, or if my urges are old (bad) habits flaring up.

This is a very difficult epiphany to have when you're already a grown ass man with dependents, debts and promises. Waking up one day, realizing how incompetent/immature you actually are.

So... what turned it around? I've been quite fortunate to get support from some expected and unexpected sources. Your social network really does make a difference. Having the diagnoses... as hard as they have been to accept at least give me a fighting chance to reset, humble myself and try to rebuild.

I HAVE to do things like limit access to the internet, drink less coffee, stay away from booze and weed, because I see how I was using those things to access dopamine that my body does not produce on it's own like normal people. I am not a normal person, and it is hard to change to fit societies expectations, or find a little niche in the world where it's actually okay to just be what I am. Again... fitness. I am a mental misfit for our norms, and honestly I'm quite vulnerable to the games that get played out there. This CRUSHES my mental health. It takes SO MUCH energy to hold awareness of these things and act accordingly.

Having stimulants have helped with the energy and discipline problems. Embracing the reality that I need unfocused, creative time to recover from focused time to prevent fatigue or burnout has been really big.

Not neglecting exercise has been super hard as I get older and more pain is on the other side of most movements. Adapting how I put my mind and body under physical stress has been one of the strangest aspects of this journey. But... move every day is a must.

I did an Ayahuasca ceremony in BC with some old friends this summer, which immediately broke my depressive symptoms. I was not expecting that at all. I went in wanting to melt my ego, and meet my fears. I came out feeling worthy of life and love, and much less negative self talk. I came out remembering how important it is to sing and move to literally vibrate the stress out of all the parts of your body. Amazing, amazing medicine.

Therapy still hasn't and continues to not be very effective, but I'm still trying to build adult-grade organizational and self-management skills. Its a matter of survival. This does make me sad, though, and makes me feel like I'll always be behind in a world that just seems to be moving faster every day. It is physically painful to manage a calendar, or learn a new stupid update on yet another MS Office tool or low-code SaaS piece of garbage that still requires a huge amount of organizational capabaility to set up before using.

I haven't even touched on how messed up my financial situation has become going through Covid, and I have no one to blame but myself. This one is really hard to accept. I may never really "recover" or be in a good place, but who knows... I'm kind of a prince of magic beans and am a pure Albertan... I swear I won't piss away the next windfall (if it ever comes).

So... not a 1-2, but not an 8. It's a journey.

Be kind to yourself, rest, and keep moving. There's always a move, even when you think there aren't any left.