[Kidder]

I do not use pride tape. I have a roll somewhere given to me as a gift and I’ve never broken the seal.

But let me explain why, as the reasons underline the importance of such an initiative.

I grew up in the era of shame, when lockerrooms mandated a closet where I changed amongst my peers, hidden but privy to anti-gay sentiment and rhetoric.

The hardfast rule was don’t react. Any flinch or any reaction, could give away my secret and, as I believed at the time, ruin and end my life.

Some in my position join in the harmful banter. Hard to be accused when you are the accuser. I’m thankful I never partook in bullying to conceal my identity. But sitting in silence absorbing the lockerroom talk, it left a lasting effect on my self esteem and self confidence that exists today — like a scar on the soul.

I left organized hockey. But I love the sport so much. I’d play street hockey with my buddies every day after school. I’d watch every Flames game I could, or listen to Peter Mahr as I went to sleep on nights I couldn’t. The sport resonates with me like almost nothing else in life. I actually never feel more like myself than when I’m out on a hockey rink.

I’m happy to say I eventually returned to hockey. Not only as a player, but as an instructor and a coach. Where I could share my passion and knowledge of the game I immersed myself in as a child and adolescent. It also gave me opportunity to ensure I could cultivate an environment welcoming to everyone. Race, gender, orientation, ability. Doesn’t matter. All are valued.

In essence the work I do is to protect future generations from the pain I had to endure. But despite my efforts, I can’t seem to fully undo the effect it had on me.

This past weekend I was involved in a charity hockey event, and got into conversation with a mom I greatly admire, and I know the respect is mutual. We’ve volunteered in the same circles for a while and she praises the work I’ve done with her kid in his development. So I’m in the midst of a story about a previous event where I had helped deliver the leftover uneaten food items to my former boyfriend’s work… and I tripped over the word. To where I bumbled my way to eventually settling on “friend.” Censoring myself and filling my body with anxiety and trepidation.

I’m not proud of that moment. It’s basically why my pride tape remains unrolled. It summons up the anxiety and fear of the vitriol that consumed me in my formative years. It’s painful and embarrassing to even admit. I’m essentially the person Ebola thinks we all should be. Letting the shame we grew up with because of our “choice” keep us in the shadows.

And that’s why I have great respect for all those that do dawn the pride tape. The allies especially. It’s just a subtle, silent reminder that times have changed, and there is support and inclusion out there. It does make an important difference in those lives connected to hockey.

Lastly I’d like to thank this Calgarypuck community, as some have already done. To watch the debate unfold on here over the decades, there have always been allies and advocates who have stood up and defended the lgbtq+ community. Not just those who were allies from the start, but to those who entered debates and discussions with open minds and reformed their opinions as they encountered new perspectives and differing viewpoints.

I’ve learned it’s imperative to focus on the support and not the detractors as we battle through life, and CP has developed into a wonderful welcoming community, evidenced by this thread.