Battery tested with a proper load tester and it failed, so it was the battery. I'm SHOCKED that the random oil change place AMA sends you wouldn't be able to test a battery properly.
Maybe that way they never have to fill any warranty claims and people just replace the battery themselves out of frustration.
Also thankfully my window position reset itself after properly starting the car with the window fully up.
Also found out my block heater cable was broken, so that's a contributing factor as well.
Oh well, it'll all be fixed right in time for it to warm up.
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Uncertainty is an uncomfortable position.
But certainty is an absurd one.
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