Quote:
Originally Posted by CMPunk
I guess what I mean is, what motivates you to keep getting up day after day and living your life?
It's my 46th birthday this week and for the last 6 months to a year, my thoughts have gone to how much longer I want to live. The thought of living another 20-40 years just seems like a nightmare to me. My body is already breaking down, I already feel my memory going due to concussions and a family history of Alzheimer's. I can't imagine life in a nursing home, if I could even afford it.
I don't have any kids, I don't have many friends thanks to COVID and marriage. I usually work 6 days a week at two jobs to try and keep the bills paid, as I am not one of the CP elite. The only real social activity I have is hockey once or twice a week. I have family and a girlfriend that loves me, but it still doesn't feel like enough motivation to keep going.
If the Doctor told me I wasn't going to live past 50, I think that would be the biggest weight off my shoulders ever. The thought of not having to do this all anymore would be a huge relief to me. I think I'd be much happier at that point. I could make arrangements to have my loved ones taken care of, sell the house and enjoy myself one final time before that final day comes.
And yes, I will be talking to my doctor about this, however the cost of mental health isn't cheap. I think my benefits maybe cover two or three visits. I have reached out to EAP before as well, but they will only cover a handful of visits.
So how's your day been?
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sorry to hear.
I'm in the same boat. I'm sad you're not well, but in a way I feel better to not be alone as even coming here it generally seems to be sunshine and lollipops for people.
I wake up every day slightly disappointed that I lived through the night.
Without going into detail, every aspect of my life is crap and it's all falling apart, and I can't keep it together any more.
for example,
The "highlight" of my day yesterday was calling some creditors and explaining I just can't pay them this month and to please work with me, only to come home and find out my wife spent $60 at the grocery store when she was only supposed to spend $20. I have only about $20 for my family for the next 4 days to cover ANYTHING that comes up.
nothing like having having the constant shame of being on the older side and instead of being in a comfortable place, feeling like a failure to even be able to provide the basics for your family.
It's amazing how much advice from people for mental health involves things that cost money no matter if it's therapy or activities.